:::::: If your computer’s on a download go-slow / the best way to improve its general work flow / is to make the small but positive point / that actually you’re in charge of the joint / by backgrounding a photo of the exact same machine / showering sparks with an axe through its screen

:::::: If your laptop starts losing data / shoving pdfs through a graphical grater / swallowing megabytes like an alligator / simply upload a clip of a Dell / hanging from a tree branch by the power cable / sparks jumping from its intel oblongata / as screaming children whack it like a pinata

::::: If your computer continually freezes / does whatever the hell it pleases / crashes more often than a clown on the flying trapezes / quickly bring it to its mother-boarding senses / by showing it clips of the HAL 9000 and Genisys / freeze-frame the fireball and  nuclear flash / then open your wallet to show you’ve the cash / to buy another when this one’s ash

:::::: If your laptop gives you blue screen / flips you the single digit screen / the ‘oh no you don’t’ screen / the ‘thought you would but you won’t’ screen / the ‘I will burn your dreams’ screen / the ‘in cyberspace everyone can hear you scream’ screen / the ‘bucket of blue blood on the head of the prom queen’ screen / the ‘robert de niro hard restart with a pencil through the heart’ screen / the ‘go back to crayon & paper you big blue baby’ screen / the world-wide, file fried, access denied’ screen / the ‘end of the road, system code, sucker-mode’ screen / well then / my advice in that situation / is to rise serenely from your station / and slickly / and quickly / and very directly / without hesitation / rain violent destruction / upon that technological abomination / with a sentimental, surprisingly hefty present / a simple, glass blown, paperweight elephant

and when you’re through / and you’ve done all the damage you can do / and the hardware’s charred ware / and the software’s nowhere / and the laptop’s a flat-top / and the key’s are in pieces all over the floor
just breathe
and leave
and quietly close the door