I’m Batter Man / my pancakes are dark and brutally, butterly fantancakes

I’m Ironing Man / lethal with a Tefal

I’m SpiderMan / I pick them up with my goddamn HANDS…

I’m Captain America / I really like America / I mean / just ‘cos Trump’s the de facto queen / and he’s always on Twitter venting his spleen / and his administration’s a malign machine / for monetising the American dream / and the Statue of Liberty’s on Sertraline / and the Bill of Rights / set alight / and tossed in a ravine / still, I love their films, books, paintings and music / so these days I’m feeling a little confusic

I’m Doctor String / because string’s an incredibly useful thing / you can tie up the roses / or really anything / that keeps swinging / open instead of closing / for parcels and packets / and a hundred other postal rackets

I’m the Incredible Bulk / not as slim of late / carrying a little holiday weight

I’m Woolverine / I prefer wool because it feels nice against my skin

I’m Pant Man / I iron my PANTS (see Ironing Man)

I’m basically Superman