nadhim zahawi

(sung to the tune of Eleanor Rigby, with sincere apologies to Lennon & McCartney)

aah look at all the tory cronies
aah look at all the tory cronies

nadhim zahawi
picks up his tax with a lurch when the audit has been
big income streams
waits at the window
wearing the smile that he keeps in a jar by the door
for TV and more

all the tory cronies
where do they all come from
all the belusconis
where do they all belong

rich rishi sunak
practising gestures for questions that no one will hear
no one comes near
look at him working
wearing his sliders inside when there’s nobody there
selling his shares

all the tory cronies
where do they all come from
all the belusconis
where do they all belong

nadhim zahawi
lied to the house and was feted for playing the game
no sense of shame
rich rishi sunak
wiping the sleaze from his hands as he walks from the box
dreaming of stocks

all the tory cronies
where do they all come from
all the belusconis
where do they all belong

a hat like that

have you seen my toothbrush?
no
oh my god – are you ACTUALLY using it?
NO! this is mine. yours is in the bag
what – LOOSE? not even IN something? eww
what’s eww about that?
who KNOWS what else you’ve had in there.
what do you think I’ve had in there?
exactly.
are you going to have a shower?
no. I’ll wait till I get home
what about your teeth?
I’ll do them then
what – in the shower?
no? who the fuck cleans their teeth in the shower?
you’re weird
you don’t get to talk to me about weird when you’re wearing a hat like that

old father time

driving through a forest
heading back
from a new year’s eve party
the moon a lamp
angled in our faces
when suddenly we stopped
at the back
of a queue of traffic
stacked along the road
blue lights panicking
the trees
either side

‘an accident’ I said
getting out to look
just as a man
with his hood up
hunched in the cold
came walking back
from the scene

‘a deer’ he said
‘someone hit it
the police are finishing off’

I got back in the car
‘a deer’ I said

there was a crack
like a car backfiring
then another

‘shouldn’t be too much longer’
I said
yawning

oh no, dino

there’s a dino loose in Barbieland
causing all kindsa tyrano-sized troubles
security gate buckles
converting convertibles
snacking on collectables
hot tub huddles
tossed down clean
the barbecue-themed
blue eyed couples
fixed smile struggles
the whole scene getting WAAAY outta hand

there’s a dino loose in Barbieland
he musta just bust out the Park I guess
dressed to oppress
feet to depress
a million gnashers more or less
scranning on guests
a grand design
for an ad hoc dine
(but I have to confess
very little finesse)
to the disco sounds of the groovy house band

Stanley’s DNA report

Stanley is a mongrel
which means he’s a bundle
of lotsa different things
so this report untangles
a few of those strings:

it says here that he’s
approximately 5 percent cheese
10 percent sneeze
2 percent howl
4 percent scowl
1 percent essence of frustrated owl
9 percent Viking
9 percent liking
the striking
of ridiculous poses
3 percent noses
about 5 percent ruined sofa
it discloses
10 percent paws
like big clawsy loafers
4 percent whiff
2 percent sniff
3 percent wearing his
hair in a quiff
1 percent manly
1 percent Bramley
1 percent ludicrous modus operandi
1 percent the painter Modigliani
twelve percent scraggly
four percent baggly
but essentially
one hundred and ten percent Stanley

status update XXXIX

I’m the Tory Party in control / fiddle-dee-dee and fol-de-rol / the poor must learn to be self-reliant / unless we see you’re a wealthy client / in which case advance friend and be recognised / your donations will always be classified / in fact – you’ll see we’ve organised / a secret nod and a VIP lane / for cooperation and mutual gain / the rest of you losers can just go hang / you haven’t the dough to be in our gang / so it’s cheers, pip-pip and cigars all round / as we burn the rules and scorch the ground

and…in other news

I went to the corner shop and asked for a sprite / and certainly got what I went for alright / a mischievous fellow with gills and fangs / seashell booties, kelpy bangs / and I stood there a minute all pensive and quiet / then asked him if he was sure it was diet / but the geezer just shook his head and laughed / so I took the thing home and ran him a bath

I’m the creature from the black lagoon / escaping the swamp in a hot air balloon / shouting smell ya later, losers / but I’m attacked by drones from a distant computer / royally fried in monstrous chunks / from the ghastly gills to the speedo trunks / plummeting back to earth with a bump

I’m your average, messianic prick / scented beard and bald head slick / posing on a bonnet for an insta pic

I’m a zombie dressed in abercrombie & fitch / staggering onto the football pitch / the ref blows hard on his little black whistle / and I end up carded, barred and gristle

I’m a ghost gone glamping, a wraith in a wrap / I’m the spirit of justice taking a nap

I’m Aurora adrift on a bougie cruise / a disney princess with a disney bruise

I’m a syncopated waiter with spoon and cup / rapping in the kitchen as the plates come up

I’m a desperate submarine captain, poor soul / octopuses pointing and laughing through the porthole

please welcome onstage for the final soliloquy / Macbeth, chuffing on a roll-up miserably:

(pause, while he smokes ad nauseum / staring out at the auditorium)

out, OUT brief candle, life’s but a walking shadow / over too quick and rigged from the get-go / you do what you can but the next thing you know / you’re stitched up by witches at the end of the show / and the only way now you get to play the Adelphi / is as the skull in the hands of an actor called Chelsea

and this is the way the world ends.
This is the way the world ends.
This is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang but a selfie.

red riding hood ltd

Once upon a time
there was a grandmother
whose primary carer
was a young girl
who also worked for the
red riding hood care agency ltd.

One day
the girl set off to see her grandma
happy as usual
skipping through the forest
with a basket
of microwave meals
a carton of long-life milk
a copy of TV Quick
and a new blister pack of meds

Suddenly a hideous wolf
disguised as a campaigning tory MP
stepped out in front of her
and asked where she was going
and who she planned on voting for
the girl politely told him
the wolf said interesting
then turned
and raced on ahead
to get to the cottage before her

When the wolf got to the cottage
he evicted the grandmother
for non-payment of energy bills
then dressed up in her clothes
and jumped in her bed
just as the girl
came in through the door

‘Whoa! Grandma!’ she said
‘What big eyes you have!’
‘All the better
for seeing how much more
we can screw you over for’ said the wolf
‘And what big teeth you have, Grandma!’
‘All the better
for gobbling up your employer’s margins!’ said the wolf.
‘And what a cold heart you have, Grandma!’
‘All the better
for talking austerity
and economic prudence
whilst at the same time
awarding lucrative contracts to all the other
wolves in the pack!’

At that moment the Grandmother
stormed back in
snatched up an axe
and dispatched the wolf
with one blow.
‘Whoa! Grandma!’ said the girl
‘You’re pretty handy with that axe!’
‘Yeah? Well – you don’t get to ninety
without learning how to swing,’
puffed the Grandmother
then wiped her brow
and said ‘but now I hear myself saying that
I guess it could do with editing’

The two of them laughed,
the girl put the axe
back in the umbrella stand,
helped her grandmother
rinse off all the blood
at the kitchen sink,
fetched her blister pack,
pressed out her psych meds,
made her a cup of tea
and a sachet
of 2 minute porridge
then left her watching
Murder, She Wrote