Lesson 3 from The New Bible of Absolutely Bloody Everything

LIII: And there shall descend upon us the Last Great Instagram / rendering through a series of divine filters / that the heavenly host of engineers didst graciously build for us / one final, shining / profile defining / End of Time line / when all the images the dead have taken / will instantly be downloaded upon their awakening / and they shalt hold them up proudly in their phalangeal hands / and stand / for one last panoramic shot / on the slowest & widest setting God has got / and he shalt say thanks a lot / that’ll get me some hits / one more for safety and then that’s it / and great shall be the tumult across the land / and many followers shall be lost / and many smartphones smartly tossed / from the boatman’s boat when the moat is crossed / when the boatman shall laugh / most hammily & uncannily from the pointy end of the craft / at the most photogenic moment / (these things are important)
so endeth lesson three
sad emoji

ghost sheet

  1. Ghosts are lost in a persistent, inter-dimensional, crystalline time-lattice, so please be patient.
  2. Ghosts are not in themselves a cause of creaky doors, but they cannot resist taking advantage. Treat accordingly.
  3. Ghost to Living ratio = 10:1. Libraries have the highest concentrations; abandoned hospitals the lowest.
  4. Fairground Ghost Trains are ghost-free; actual trains suffer from over-ghosting, especially at peak times.
  5. Ghosts are tormented by the idea of hats.
  6. Ghosts have no sense of irony, cliché, personal boundaries, social etiquette. Ghost clowns are even worse.
  7. Ghosts are confused by whisks, pastry cutters & pizza wheels, and have a morbid fear of sandwich tins, so tend to avoid the kitchen.
  8. Ghosts are fascinated by cats, interested in dogs, amused by spiders, patronising about birds, withering about fish.
  9. Ghosts can be frozen indefinitely, but need careful handling when thawing.
  10. Ghosts are, for the most part, high maintenance / low carbon
  11. Crucifixes are unsightly, candles a fire hazard, Holy Water makes the place damp and chalk pentagrams spoil an otherwise charmingly rustic floor. To keep your place ghost free, simply air thoroughly, cook pizza and wear a hat.


cinderella & the pumpkin kid

once upon a crime…

I was given a test / I hadda chaperone the Capo’s princess / but I have to confess / as princesses go she was one priceless mess / in distress / in dis dress / so frocked up you’d never guess / where the princess endses and the big pink dress commenses / I mean – sure, she was gorgeous & glamorous / fifteen kindsa fabulous / but I tink the problem was she was ravenous / because they told her not to eat for about a minute / so they might have a chance to squeeze her in it / but despite the lack of a meatball sub / a pint of coke and a fro-yo tub / there was still no doubt about it / shit / no way was this thing gonna fit /


so wha’d’ya gonna do? / the ditzy dame was through / givin’ it the big boo-hoo / a diva on a divan / sitting on her can / callin’ every goombah an also ran

then the carriages start to arrive / this pink-finned cadillac parks up outside / hooting its hooter / the chauffeur / a small time booster / name of Dylan the Rooster / on account of all the colourful suits and feathers / he wears in all kindsa weathers / and all the lay-lady-lays he likes / from Brooklyn Heights to the New Jersey turnpike / you bitches better get me ready / wails the princess sitting up, shakin’, unsteady / teary and bleary / her makeup all scary and smeary / of course says the maids / looking somewhat afraid / and I must confess / standing back from alla this? / I was too / I couldn’t see a way through / it’d take more than crystal pumps and a sequin shawl / to make this princess bell a’ the ball

but what could I do? / I’m strictly crew
I don’t got no fashion sense / the shoes I use are usually cement

so anyways / the maids / run around like mices / improvisin’ all kindsa clothing devices / and they forms a line to tighten the corset / and a’course it rips the moment they force it / spilling da princesses onto the flooring / where she rolls around roaring / then suddenly outs with this thing / a smart lil’ snub nose piece / she borrowed off her niece / and stuffed in the garter behind her knees / shooting whatever gets in her sights / paintings, statues, fancy lights / because this hotel pad’s pretty bling / or was till she shot up every damned thing / the mirror, the sofa / a taxidermy gopher / everything royally blown & plugged / with random slugs / the silver coffee jug / jumping & spattering / the chandelier shattering / dropping and scattering / till the princess is spent like the gun and knows it / violently throws it / sprawls face down on the bed / feathers flying up around her head / while I creeps slowly outta the closet / wondering how we gonna gets back the deposit

honey – it’s okay / I say / you don’t need to take on this way / the ball isn’t all it’s cracked up to be / the odds look pretty stacked to me / I tell ya what / why’n we go down the road for a spot? / jes’ you and me? / jeans and a T / treat’s on me / c’mon honey / forget the Rooster / he’ll get used ta’ / the idea / an’ disappear / when I make it clear / what needs to be happenin’ here

the princess comes round to my way of thinking / an hour later we’re in a dive bar drinking / throwing back shots and fistfuls of nuts / and we’re there till six when the bar finally shuts / and I take her back to the Capo’s palace in the heights / where he says did the ball work out alright / yeah she says papa it really did / an’ I owe it all to the Pumpkin Kid / and the Capo plants a kiss on my cheeks / says that’s the best news he got all week / there’s nothing means more than my princesses happinesses / fuggedaboutit I say with a grin / sleepily scratching my chin / but you want my advice? / hire yourself a couple more mice


incident on delta vega

cut to:

Delta Vega, planet of ice / that Kirk & Spock visited against advice / (Scottie has failed to beam them back twice)
they’re tied to a rock / bruised & shocked / up against the clock / shivering / acting tough but not delivering /
set phasers to defrost, says Kirk / with a smirk / just before a Drakoulia sets to work / with something like a giant spork / so totally brutally / that when Scottie / foul-mouthed and stroppily / checking his readings microscopically / chucks a handful of raw Trilithium / to jazz up his skanky tanks of Dilithium / and the transporter beams wail & warble / and the tractor beams treble & wobble / and the sliders redouble without any repetition of the earlier trouble / suddenly the transporter floor / is spattered with matter and assorted gore

the first lieutenant vomits into a bucket

fuck it, says Scottie / fetch us a mop / who’s next up for the captain’s job?


troll for pm

‘Who’s that trip-trip-trapping over my bridge?’
snarls a troll
with a twitch
and a shout
leaping up and out
onto the decking
fully expecting
to be collecting
his toll

‘It is I, PR Goat Gruff’
says a goat, looking glam
in the medallion of a ram
an astrakhan coat
and other things of equal note
his hooves covered in glittery tat
his horns pushed up through his bowler hat

‘I’ll gobble you up!’ snarls the troll
suddenly not looking certain at all
scratching his head, his arse,
‘I’m not supposed to let anyone past!’
‘Love it! Adorable!’ says PR goat.
‘You totally get my vote.
You’ve got a job and you do it.’
The troll shrugs
gives his wig a tug
‘I get through it
Some days better than others.
But I’ve got this fetish about udders.’
‘Let’s stroll’
says the goat
leading the troll
over the moat
to the other side
where the goat confides
about politics & exit polls
banknotes & boltholes
security files & payrolls
loopholes, media controls
and the dead sea scrolls
‘where my Ts and Cs are writ!’
laughs the goat, quite a bit
‘What?’ says the troll, not getting it

Fast forward three goat years
The troll appears
in parliament
leader of the government
‘Friends! Goats! Countrymen!’ he roars
as troll police lock all the doors
and he grabs the parliamentary mace
swinging it about the place
‘Whoever crosses me gets THIS in the face!’
‘That’s my troll!’ smiles PR goat
then exits down the Thames in a boat


please don’t feed the troll

I’m a troll / fol-de-rol
I’ll swallow you & your followers whole / I’ll feast on your tweets / your cosy cliques / your clicks / your likes / your go-pros on your mountain bikes / you crossed the bridge for the last time, mate / I’m the faceless demon waitin’ at the gate / the curious shadow on the camera plate / the psychopath on the cycle path / livin’ it large with the crazy laugh / hiding in the tall grass / on the dark side of the pass / yaaaasssss / I’m the creature beyond all knowing / feeding on the instagoats coming and going

I’m a troll / fol-de-rol
sipping warm milk from a bird-shaped bowl / that I hold / cold and anonymous / in poisonous claws / behind locked doors / busily working away at the keys / scrolling & scrawling obscenities / with inappropriate emojis / all over your stories / your tragedies / your memories / forget it! / don’t you get it? / I was born with a snout / for sniffing you out / I know the perfect combination of verbal abomination that’ll make you shout / it’s like a pig with truffles / I’ve got an instinct for anti-social scuffles / the irony is I’m highly empathetic / I just choose not to act on it / you know – you millennials make me laugh / you had no idea at the start / all the jeers & sneers you’d be hosting / when you published your site and started posting

I’m a troll / fol-de-rol
quietly playing my role / taking my toll / pushing your buttons with my buttons / just your average kind of sadist, really / your Nigel, Norman or Mavis Dearly / typing away with tea and scones / humming along to Norah Jones / my only, lonely aim in life / to seize the moment & twist the knife / as far below the line as I can reach / and then screech / and clap / and happily sit back / with a thumping heart / to wait for the weeping & wailing to start / and then / when it’s reached its peak / I’ll slowly extend a sneaky beak / and neatly / and very discreetly / drink deeply / from where the tears flow thickest & most sweetly

I’m a troll / fol-de-rolIMG_0817