once upon a crime…

I was given a test / I hadda chaperone the Capo’s princess / but I have to confess / as princesses go she was one priceless mess / in distress / in dis dress / so frocked up you’d never guess / where the princess endses and the big pink dress commenses / I mean – sure, she was gorgeous & glamorous / fifteen kindsa fabulous / but I tink the problem was she was ravenous / because they told her not to eat for about a minute / so they might have a chance to squeeze her in it / but despite the lack of a meatball sub / a pint of coke and a fro-yo tub / there was still no doubt about it / shit / no way was this thing gonna fit /

fuggedaboutit

so wha’d’ya gonna do? / the ditzy dame was through / givin’ it the big boo-hoo / a diva on a divan / sitting on her can / callin’ every goombah an also ran

then the carriages start to arrive / this pink-finned cadillac parks up outside / hooting its hooter / the chauffeur / a small time booster / name of Dylan the Rooster / on account of all the colourful suits and feathers / he wears in all kindsa weathers / and all the lay-lady-lays he likes / from Brooklyn Heights to the New Jersey turnpike / you bitches better get me ready / wails the princess sitting up, shakin’, unsteady / teary and bleary / her makeup all scary and smeary / of course says the maids / looking somewhat afraid / and I must confess / standing back from alla this? / I was too / I couldn’t see a way through / it’d take more than crystal pumps and a sequin shawl / to make this princess bell a’ the ball

but what could I do? / I’m strictly crew
I don’t got no fashion sense / the shoes I use are usually cement

so anyways / the maids / run around like mices / improvisin’ all kindsa clothing devices / and they forms a line to tighten the corset / and a’course it rips the moment they force it / spilling da princesses onto the flooring / where she rolls around roaring / then suddenly outs with this thing / a smart lil’ snub nose piece / she borrowed off her niece / and stuffed in the garter behind her knees / shooting whatever gets in her sights / paintings, statues, fancy lights / because this hotel pad’s pretty bling / or was till she shot up every damned thing / the mirror, the sofa / a taxidermy gopher / everything royally blown & plugged / with random slugs / the silver coffee jug / jumping & spattering / the chandelier shattering / dropping and scattering / till the princess is spent like the gun and knows it / violently throws it / sprawls face down on the bed / feathers flying up around her head / while I creeps slowly outta the closet / wondering how we gonna gets back the deposit

honey – it’s okay / I say / you don’t need to take on this way / the ball isn’t all it’s cracked up to be / the odds look pretty stacked to me / I tell ya what / why’n we go down the road for a spot? / jes’ you and me? / jeans and a T / treat’s on me / c’mon honey / forget the Rooster / he’ll get used ta’ / the idea / an’ disappear / when I make it clear / what needs to be happenin’ here

the princess comes round to my way of thinking / an hour later we’re in a dive bar drinking / throwing back shots and fistfuls of nuts / and we’re there till six when the bar finally shuts / and I take her back to the Capo’s palace in the heights / where he says did the ball work out alright / yeah she says papa it really did / an’ I owe it all to the Pumpkin Kid / and the Capo plants a kiss on my cheeks / says that’s the best news he got all week / there’s nothing means more than my princesses happinesses / fuggedaboutit I say with a grin / sleepily scratching my chin / but you want my advice? / hire yourself a couple more mice