this gig’s crummy / god I miss mummy / they treat me like a ventriloquist’s dummy / with the jewels and the wraps / the ears and the hats / please believe me I never wanted that / but you can’t beat fate so here I’m sat / reading out rubbish like a feckless twat / if diamonds are forever then so’s my shame / can’t they hire another heir to play their dreadful game?

you scratch my back I’ll scratch Sunak
keep the car running – I’ll see you out back
the planet’s burning but what do we care
so long as there’s a profit in the company share

my government tells me I mustn’t be glum / sitting like a rector with a sceptre up his bum / but I’m a monarch on a mission / safeguarding tradition / trying my best to keep a regal disposition / Jesus Christ but I need a painkiller / psst – have you a stash in your sash, Camilla? / no? bloody hell! / you’re as useless as Suella / and if she drags her haggish face this way you watch me tell her / I’m going to crown that Sunak the moment I meet him / where’s Guy Fawkes when you really need him?

you scratch my back I’ll scratch Sunak
keep the car running – I’ll see you out back
the planet’s burning but what do we care
so long as there’s a profit in the company share

I mean what’s the point of this ludicrous farce? / the Tories are finished and out on their arse / the country too, now you mention it / everything collapsing, the seas full of shit / whatever happened to looking after it? / this throne of kings, this sceptred isle? / I’ll tell you what – it’s a steaming great pile / Shakespeare would’ve had a conniptious fit / if he’d lived to see what they did with it / my dear old ancestor James the first / he’d have known a useful curse / to throw on this government and all its works / fifty years I sweated my bollocks off / on environmental causes these chimps have no concept of / now it’s just about sneaking shit past / profits first and country last / for tuppence ha’penny I’d chuck it in and quit / but no – I have to go and put my royal seal on it

you scratch my back I’ll scratch Sunak
keep the car running – I’ll see you out back
the planet’s burning but what do we care
so long as there’s a profit in the company share