the most expensive present
I ever got as a kid
was a bike
I know – right?
I had no idea that night
what was waiting for me
when I woke up super early
tore through my presents
with a growing sense
something was missing
I mean the stuff
my brothers and sisters gave me
was okay
in a pocket money, birthday-right-after-Christmas, this’ll-have-to-do kinda way
but how many times can you say
wow … thanks… GREAT!
till the fake excitement starts to grate
I felt pretty bad
I couldn’t find a present from mum & dad

down at breakfast
mum was straight faced
said it’s time you fed the neighbour’s cat
and though honestly I was getting round to that
I thought it was a LITTLE bit tough
what with it being MY BIRTHDAY AND STUFF
but I said okay yep sure
snatched the key from its hook on the board
threw on a jacket, scarf and hat
trudged next door to feed the damned cat

and – yikes!
there in the kitchen was a brand new bike!
a label
on the handle
saying Happy Birthday Jim!
(the cat going mad so of course I fed him)

now – here’s the thing

my first response was screaming delight
I mean – c’mon, people – a bike!
but at the risk of sounding a bit obnoxious
I suddenly felt incredibly self-conscious

it was the set up
the way they dreamt up
the whole plan
mum? dad?
neither had
ever gone in for playful devices
the emotional messiness a surprise comprises
which is why this
knocked me sideways
these were untried ways
we were a big family raised
like a sensible flock
whose common stock
was cool detachment
orbiting each other like particle fragments
following the coded family ways
appropriate actions, the right things to say
and THAT’S why I suddenly felt self-conscious
and THAT’S why going home made me anxious

but of course I had to!
I couldn’t just step out on my birthday to feed the neighbour’s cat
and the next thing they’re telling detectives the colour of my hat

so eventually I walked back over to the house
made my entrance with embarrassing shouts
You rotten lot! but it sounded fake
my smile the smile a clown would make
gurning, pratfalling in for the sake
of a quietly breakfasting family circus
awkward as a bike on a kitchen surface

anyway – the whole damned enterprise was totally doomed, toast
two weeks later I rode straight into a lamppost