- Choose Me: Pick the Tory you really want, from ex-forces wingnut to son-of-a-Viscount. We also have a range of working class hunks who speak their mind and wear union jack trunks
- Pick the Voice: Listen to a range of vigorous views, from snarky sniping to outright abuse
- Get Stuffing! : Customise your Tory with sounds, smells and stuffing (dodgy cash which we’re not discussing)
- First Media Outing: Give your Tory the love it deserves with an ego massage from Laura Kuenssberg
- Suit Me: Find the right look with suits we’ve arranged, from kevlar casuals to our non-stick range
- Certify: Once your Tory is ready to go, it’s important to give it a name, you know. We provide passports & legal certificates, affiliations to offshore syndicates, international relationships, Coutts accounts, bulging with money in curious amounts
- Elect Me: Now your Tory is ready to serve, high office of state with vice n’verve. Everyone’s favourite! The Media Bosses! Yours for just one of your pencil crosses.
jim clayton 