Author: jim clayton

chives

~ jim clayton ~ 2 Comments

I was in the garden
thinking hard n’
startin’
to feel words were dumb
grass was grass, the sun, the sun
(creatively blocked, to use the jargon)

suddenly I’m dry flow
a vacant little shit show
a no go kinda poet
a kid with a trumpet
who blows and pumps it
but it just sounds bad and he has to dump it

I know it’s absurd
all because I saw some herbs
in a rotten ol’ planter start to emerge
yeah! I felt so alive
looking at chives
but the words I wanted wouldn’t arrive

a sign I should quit
stop for a bit
put the pen down, be done with it
finally fuck this
spike the haikus, kill the couplets
cut the chives, make some omelettes

oh no you don’t

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

it seems we can’t avoid
the asteroid

so Bezos builds a cock-shaped rocket
gets Amazon trucks to stock it
charges a billion bucks to go on it

the usual suspects apply:
all the sheikhs in Dubai
Trump, natch
an extra seat for his thatch
Zuckerberg, Musk, Gates
Putin and assorted mates
the back seats sprawling with plutocrats
sundry arsey aristocrats
the guy who bought Tiffany’s
having an epiphany
at the porthole tearfully
as the doors slam shut
and before you can tut
the rocket shoots up in a cloud of dust

but oh! what a shock!
it flies
through the skies
straight into the rock
coming in from the sun at one o’clock

and the first thing wiped
is the rocket in flight

which is good to know
‘cos the crowd below
need something to smile about before they go

the kraken vs.palace pier

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

down in the depths of the crabsick sea
a terrible monster calls to thee
with suckers like saucers
and eyes that authors
have struggled to render effectively:
the kraken barks

full centuries long hast it bust its chops
on barnacl’d rigs and sundry rocks
with fearful appendicals
very like tentacles
handy for tossing back seadogs in smocks:
the kraken barks

when – finally, fatefully roused from slumber
by oil rig drill or submarine blunder
with direful roar
will paddle to shore
and the overpriced pier rides rip asunder:
the kraken barks

where it’s all leading apparently

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

I was at the gym
rowing
going
nowhere
with everything I had
while watching an ad
for a luxury cremation service

apparently this purchase
of a fully-paid up furnace
guarantees us
when we’re ready for Jesus
in other words snuff it
that the family won’t say stuff it
let’s rough it
we haven’t the lolly
so we’ll sling him in a shopping trolley
and wheel him down the boating lake
(it’s not fenced-off)
for a bargain, DIY Viking send-off

no

rather

this beloved partner
fit former father
gym-toned parvenu
will get escorted down the avenue
with an honour guard of rowers to a right royal barbecue

(or something – I didn’t really understand it TBH)

what they got away with

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

you wouldn’t believe
kids’ TV
all the way back in the 1970s
there are so many sick and horrifying examples
the following’s just a nauseating sample:

The Zombles
A family of hideous underground creatures
who hide on the Common and come out to eat ya
feasting on the livers n’guts
of anyone dropping coffee cups

Badpuss
The most important, the most beautiful, the most magical
saggy old cloth cat whose nickname is Hannibal

Strange Hill
A secondary school you can only go
if you died a hundred years ago

Captain Bugwash
An undead pirate who roams the seas
crawling in worms and crabs and fleas

Rentaghost
Self-explanatory really