Honda C90

Mum began it, neatly and discreetly
backhanding a table tennis champ
in an old Cortina conveniently off ramp
later, got caught
on a badminton court
shuttlecocking
or something shocking
I think there was a baby?
not Dad’s maybe?
it’s all a bit hazy
meanwhile, Dad rode distance
to see his sister
he insisted
but suspiciously
dressed a little too lightly
for a ride down to Devon on a Honda C90
I’m guessing it was Margaret
the woman in the local supermarket
we saw one week
when she stopped us to speak
by the discounted meat
‘Have you told her yet?’ she said
staring at dad as she ruffled my head

3 verses from the Book of Equivocations

I
You ask for succour but there’s none in our pockets. We spent it all on guns and rockets.

II
God offered his cheek to one that wouldst smite him. But then when he learned the meaning of smite He rolled up his sleeves and said ‘Okay! Right!’ And took the guy’s ear off in one big bite. Then Jesus stepped in to break up the fight. And they all ended up in the cells for the night.

III
Let us love one another for love is from God. And whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. And God knows we need a bit of love right now. So to recap – love one another because God is love and love God and get that love in as SOON as you can, PLEASE, because I’ve seen how He acts when the love gets squeezed. Earthquakes, wars, cancers, bugs – all these and more when you ration the hugs. God is everything, including your ass, so any questions best not ask. Show a bit of fealty. That sound real to ye?

everyone’s funnier than me thankfully

someone was telling me about
his plans to cycle across Europe
detailing the miles between
one city and the next
what he’d wear
exactly what kinda bike
I said put a basket on the front
fill it with apples
and throw them at people as you go
no
he said
but the bike has two paninis
over the front wheel

someone else
was talking about
his grandfather
who fought in the first world war
mine did too
I said
he was in the first hoover battalion
they’d go in
with henrys on their backs
and clean out the trenches
oh he said
that sucks

someone else was telling me
about an old apple orchard
I like climbing trees
I said
but once I’m up
I tend to nest
and you have to poke me down
with a long stick
oh
she said
I’d use the stick to keep you up there

embarrassing moments #1

the terrifying dad of my best friend Gavin
was standing outside his workshop having
all his mates round from the biker club
to admire his work on a Tiger Cub

I stood there too but didn’t know mechanics
so when it went quiet I started to panic
I wanted them to see I was into bikes
but the only thing I could think of was pipes

I squatted down and grasped the exhaust
still red hot from riding of course
I gasped, said shit, flew straight backwards
(can’t remember my exact words)

and it wasn’t so much my pulsing red hand
as their silent treatment I couldn’t stand:
5 parts contemptuous, 5 parts saddened
then carrying on as if nothing had happened

what it looks like

it’s not a black dog
that howls and whines
it’s not a dark weed
that rises and binds
it’s not a grim mask
a scream, or a skeleton
it’s not an odd dance
or a glum-looking elephant
it’s not a low cloud
that rains on your bed
or a stream of squiggles
that wriggles from your head

no – it’s much less graphically cute than that
that void you’ve been keeping under your hat

is you

off lead

what do you do
with a dog like you
sniffing with his snout
running about
can’t hear a thing
so you have to shout
woolly as a rhino
extinct – I know
lived in the Pleistocene
Pleistocene not Plasticine
(is this really a poem about Stanley?
I think you’re getting sidetracked, sadly)

how to proceed
with Stanley off lead
yeti grade feet
tail so sweet
following his nose
back for a treat
lairy as loki
the series was hokey
Hiddelston charming
the dialogue jarring
(look – this is NOT a poem about dogs;
go find yourself another job)