about 4 billion years ago
give a take a week or so
our Last Universal Common Ancestor
did its single cellular best ta
scrape a living around some vents
which as livings go is quite intense
fast forward through the family tree
and we end up with a dog called Stanley
half grey wolf, half old sofa
a perfectly adapted eater and loafer
a mishmash of such indescribable looks
Darwin would’ve tossed his books
it was finally quiet on the clinical desk
the end of the day with nothing much left
we were slumped around it talking about death
I remembered the chats I had with mum
about life and death and what you become
she wanted hope; I tried to give her some
but it’s hard when you don’t believe in spirit
just every natural thing has a limit
and the really magical thing is physics
her proof of course was the ghost of Fred
who appeared one night at the foot of her bed
and THAT’S the first she knew he was dead
anyway, we often chatted about this
reincarnation versus fiery pits
we’d always end on good terms with a kiss
I was shopping in Sainsbury’s (the vegetable aisle)
when my sister rang to say she’d died
in bed that night with the dog by her side
so after all those talks about maggots
angels and spirits, atoms and planets
I lost the connection weighing carrots
MATHS?
that’s a laugh
maths is BORING
counting numbers gets me snoring
SCIENCE?
silence
science is shit
how’s Einstein gonna get ya fit?
TECH?
total vibe check
I’d rather Netflix and chill
lifting pencils makes me ill
Biology’s
quality
when they talk about sex
and you get the dope on glutes and pecs
mate
I can’t wait
to quit that place
the only thing keeps me bangin’ is weights
L? / what the HELL? / (Latin for fifty) thanks for the intel / but – sorry to disabuse ya / it might as well be L for loser / L for laborious word producer / L for lightweight literary manoeuvre / L for lame attempts at humour / hilarious as a doctor confirming the rumour by miming the word for metastasizing tumour / L for lairy media consumer / (it’s taken me YEARS to reach this letter / you’d think I’d have rhymes that suited it better)
so
anyway
I’m a bichon frise pulling a heist / I’m Briggs’ Snowman getting iced / I’m Wile E Coyote vs Jesus Christ / bulging head in an Acme vice / I’m a certified wreck in big fat glasses / no idea where his head or his arse is / thus qualifying for government passes / as the ikebana beast of a thousand vases / I’m a doll in a diner / a dozy climber / a comedy puppet on a white star liner / dancing while the stern rears higher / the Captain snoring on a bougie recliner / I’m fast approaching absolute zero / a feckless fake and surrogate hero / I’m Florence Pugh as Robert de Niro / I’m a Dignitas drive-by in a retail park / I’m Indy giving in and looking at the Ark / ending up like the Nazi crew / who melt pretty quick into fascist goo / cos God is love but what the fuck / if you mess around with His shit, good luck
I’m a perp with a harp, a snail with a halo / the writing equivalent of poetry drano / I’m a flaming text / an awkward flex / a nervous witch with a first-time hex / King Kong putting on giant specs / I’m monkeypox, zoonotic bats / the end of the world with falafel wraps / close to something, close to collapse / a narcoleptic addicted to naps / a politician nodding and saying perhaps / none of this working / all of it hurting / working the ropes on the L-themed curtain…
in summary, then:
I’m Cary Grant and the Fondant Fancies
I’m Paul Newman and the Sauce Captains
I’m Selena Gomez and the Fountains of Grace
Isiah: And the wolf and the lamb shall feed together / the wolf won’t enjoy it whatsoever / while the lamb she owns her shit she’s clever / reads the runes, reads the weather / sees the set-up / doesn’t get het-up / the wolf goes home and trolls no let-up / but the lamb’s in control / posts a poll / glory hallelujah or glory hole / all goes to plan / the wolf cops a ban / while she makes a killing on OnlyLambs
Braverman, Braverman / abracadaver fan / out of the crypt to creep up the ladder man / warm as a body bag, sharp as a cramp / aura of chloroform, top note of damp / shoes of a psycho, suits of a vamp / humanity cavity / lightweight no gravity / viciousness vented / deeply demented / id not hid but ego dented / rancid ambassador / poisonous parameters / medusa’s a loser snakes are for amateurs / waving her flag, raging at boats / would transport her mother for ten more votes
So…erm…whatever you’re thinking there’s a law against it / I’m sorry but they sold it off and fenced it / marches charged and rules upended / courts defriended / giving it all the government’s got / a cross between Clarkson and Oakenshott / dive down the ranking / country’s tanking / you’re only safe if you work in banking / lighting cigars with a bill of rights / doesn’t the army look beautiful tonight?
Dream sequence: May I? says Jesus, my A.I. butler / a cross between He-Man and Ivor Cutler / ever-present, hyper-aware / says rude things but I don’t care / blushing at his language, laughing at his gripes / as he fucks me breathless with chromium pipes / cleaning me up with hygienic wipes / a floozy in the jacuzzi / a diamond doozy / occasionally crazy but I’m not choosy
M’lud – I hardly think the jury needs reminding / not a word of this rap is legally binding
I wanted statement glasses
not ones that just differentiate
where my head and my ass is
something truly great
she didn’t blink
what about these James?
she said – whaddya think?
holding out frames
as heavy and square as a brick
thick black and crazy
the kind you’d see in a flick
by Martin Scorsese
they’re funny, specksy
she said – I adore ya
you look like Joe Pesci
is that statement enough for ya?
thank you for your call
we apologise for the delay
in answering your query
our customer service representatives know you are waiting
we are currently experiencing a high number of enquiries
and it may be better
to call back
when things have straightened out a little
and when THAT may be
is beyond our ken
is that an expression?
beyond our ken?
no idea where that came from
Barbie?
Highlander?
anyway
we do apologise for the delay
but it’s been like this a while
we’d hire more staff
but it’s not as simple as that
listen
sometimes it takes more than a phone call
sometimes you have to find strange new powers
throw a rope made of stars
round the neck
of the beast
that stalks you
and drag it home
know what I mean?
meanwhile
there’s no one here
no one
NOT A ONE
excluding that house spider
squatting by the skirting
with hairy intent
I’m not kidding
legs all over the place
like a footballer
a lunatic
eyebrows even
bristling with attitude
you and they
my friend
the only sentient creatures
listening to this message
and
psst
wanna know something?
the spider ain’t bothered
at the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month I was patiently queuing to pay for my lunch fresh pasta, sauce, broccoli spears waiting in line at one of the cashiers (there were just too many discouraging scenes spilling around the self service machines) when a voice said : ‘join us in a moment of remembrance’ and before she’d even finished the sentence the lights started fading, the place fell quiet and apart from coughing everyone was silent I stared at the point of sale display opposite me at the checkout today ibuprofen, lip salve and handy wipes for coping with cold related gripes and I thought of a sappy line, as it goes: we’re lucky it’s salve not salvos then the lights flickered on, the noise came back and my bougie lunch trundled off down the track and I felt a bit cowed – The Somme, The Blitz all that suffering and dying FOR THIS?
this gig’s crummy / god I miss mummy / they treat me like a ventriloquist’s dummy / with the jewels and the wraps / the ears and the hats / please believe me I never wanted that / but you can’t beat fate so here I’m sat / reading out rubbish like a feckless twat / if diamonds are forever then so’s my shame / can’t they hire another heir to play their dreadful game?
you scratch my back I’ll scratch Sunak
keep the car running – I’ll see you out back
the planet’s burning but what do we care
so long as there’s a profit in the company share
my government tells me I mustn’t be glum / sitting like a rector with a sceptre up his bum / but I’m a monarch on a mission / safeguarding tradition / trying my best to keep a regal disposition / Jesus Christ but I need a painkiller / psst – have you a stash in your sash, Camilla? / no? bloody hell! / you’re as useless as Suella / and if she drags her haggish face this way you watch me tell her / I’m going to crown that Sunak the moment I meet him / where’s Guy Fawkes when you really need him?
you scratch my back I’ll scratch Sunak
keep the car running – I’ll see you out back
the planet’s burning but what do we care
so long as there’s a profit in the company share
I mean what’s the point of this ludicrous farce? / the Tories are finished and out on their arse / the country too, now you mention it / everything collapsing, the seas full of shit / whatever happened to looking after it? / this throne of kings, this sceptred isle? / I’ll tell you what – it’s a steaming great pile / Shakespeare would’ve had a conniptious fit / if he’d lived to see what they did with it / my dear old ancestor James the first / he’d have known a useful curse / to throw on this government and all its works / fifty years I sweated my bollocks off / on environmental causes these chimps have no concept of / now it’s just about sneaking shit past / profits first and country last / for tuppence ha’penny I’d chuck it in and quit / but no – I have to go and put my royal seal on it
you scratch my back I’ll scratch Sunak
keep the car running – I’ll see you out back
the planet’s burning but what do we care
so long as there’s a profit in the company share
hi
I’m Jim
or James
depending what names
you’re comfortable using
which I admit is confusing
so a number’s fine
officially mine’s
number five
the fifth to arrive
in a succession
of seven
which I’m guessing
begs the question
why the obsession
with so many kids?
especially living in the house we did
the usual
two-up, two-down kinda shoe
like that old woman who lived in one and had so many kids she didn’t know what to do
(I know that line really doesn’t fit
but it’s quite ironic when you think of it)
life growing up was crazy
dinners were straight out of Martin Scorsese
dad was moody, sullen, hairless
mum used to say they weren’t catholic just careless
jim clayton 