Author: jim clayton

the king’s rap

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

this gig’s crummy / god I miss mummy / they treat me like a ventriloquist’s dummy / with the jewels and the wraps / the ears and the hats / please believe me I never wanted that / but you can’t beat fate so here I’m sat / reading out rubbish like a feckless twat / if diamonds are forever then so’s my shame / can’t they hire another heir to play their dreadful game?

you scratch my back I’ll scratch Sunak
keep the car running – I’ll see you out back
the planet’s burning but what do we care
so long as there’s a profit in the company share

my government tells me I mustn’t be glum / sitting like a rector with a sceptre up his bum / but I’m a monarch on a mission / safeguarding tradition / trying my best to keep a regal disposition / Jesus Christ but I need a painkiller / psst – have you a stash in your sash, Camilla? / no? bloody hell! / you’re as useless as Suella / and if she drags her haggish face this way you watch me tell her / I’m going to crown that Sunak the moment I meet him / where’s Guy Fawkes when you really need him?

you scratch my back I’ll scratch Sunak
keep the car running – I’ll see you out back
the planet’s burning but what do we care
so long as there’s a profit in the company share

I mean what’s the point of this ludicrous farce? / the Tories are finished and out on their arse / the country too, now you mention it / everything collapsing, the seas full of shit / whatever happened to looking after it? / this throne of kings, this sceptred isle? / I’ll tell you what – it’s a steaming great pile / Shakespeare would’ve had a conniptious fit / if he’d lived to see what they did with it / my dear old ancestor James the first / he’d have known a useful curse / to throw on this government and all its works / fifty years I sweated my bollocks off / on environmental causes these chimps have no concept of / now it’s just about sneaking shit past / profits first and country last / for tuppence ha’penny I’d chuck it in and quit / but no – I have to go and put my royal seal on it

you scratch my back I’ll scratch Sunak
keep the car running – I’ll see you out back
the planet’s burning but what do we care
so long as there’s a profit in the company share

hi I’m 5

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

hi
I’m Jim
or James
depending what names
you’re comfortable using
which I admit is confusing
so a number’s fine
officially mine’s
number five
the fifth to arrive
in a succession
of seven
which I’m guessing
begs the question
why the obsession
with so many kids?
especially living in the house we did
the usual
two-up, two-down kinda shoe
like that old woman who lived in one and had so many kids she didn’t know what to do
(I know that line really doesn’t fit
but it’s quite ironic when you think of it)
life growing up was crazy
dinners were straight out of Martin Scorsese
dad was moody, sullen, hairless
mum used to say they weren’t catholic just careless

stanley’s poppins

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

(with sincere apologies to the Sherman bros.)

aaoooowh….

Supersmellystinkystanleyexpelwhiffatrocious
Even just the sound of him is something quite ferocious
If he lets off next to you you’ll have a bad thrombosis
Supersmellystinkystanleyexpelwhiffatrocious

bum did a little whistle bum did a sigh
bum did a little whistle bum did a sigh

One day I heard a funny squeak when I was on the rug
I gave my nose a little tweak to guard it from the fug
But then it hit me properly and nature did the rest
And as they laid my body out these fateful words I said…

aaoooowh….

(repeat ad nauseam….)

thirteen years and counting

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

vote for me! vote for me!
clearly the best as you can see!
friends in high places
bungs with no traces
our sleeves
concealing
plenty of aces
verbal athletics
Eton genetics
on nodding terms with issues of ethics

vote for me! vote for me!
the choice of the finest quality!
our images glow
from top hat to toes
the press
are the best
at these things I suppose
just trust in your betters
to take the right measures
our names are framed with gilded letters

vote for me! vote for me!
the winning bet unequivocally!
we’ve such pizazz
and all that jazz
we’re rakes
on the take
wrapped up in a flag
we’ll keep you amused
till you feel confused
and we give the country a big blue bruise

vote for me! vote for me!
rosy futures guaranteed!
we’ll lose you in mazes
of parroted phrases
so slick
you’ll be sick
of the questions it raises
till you make it all stop
at the next vox pop
with a pen, a cross and a ballot box

Jim’s gym nightmare

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

there’s skeletor
on the pelaton
the invisible man
on the resistance band
the thing
on the rings
jabba the hutt
on the pull ups
the lost brain
on the cross trainer
gill man
on the pull down
dracula
on the squat rack
the basilisk
on the weight stack
Imhotep
on the pec deck
the abominable snowman
on some kinda
abdominal programme
T-Rex
in a tick vest
flexing
it’s all so vexxing
I don’t know why I bother with the gym
it’s so full of monsters I can’t get in

the pied piper of petroleum

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

(with apologies to R. Browning)

It’s grim!
How everyone here just follows him
the oily piper in the streets
filling the barrels to the brim
to keep the engines fuming sweet
and stop the lights from going dim
as he plays the oil producers’ hymn
for profits fat and taxes thin
and holding back
the science that
might slow the earth’s sad tailspin

But yet!
governments LOVE the oil execs
who fill their coffers fat
so pumps and platforms they protect
from shouty types in beanie hats
who want a world that isn’t wrecked
replacing oil with cleaner tech
the dying order they reject
but the piper explains
it’s short term gain
and the kids’ll pick up the final cheque