if Chucky chucks chops in a butcher’s shop
how many rookie cops to stop
the plucky Chucky chucking?
how many shots
have the rookie cops got
when they see another chop
and mistake the steak
for a meaty make of Glock?
poor Chucky chop chucker
family man, long haul trucker
unlucky fucker
couldn’t make rent
savings spent
friends lament
his sad descent
an economic victim to a large extent
(the rookie cops get off of course
for lawful use of lethal force)
Halloween’s been cancelled
the bats have flit
the mummy is saying
her ghouls will be staying
back home in the family crypt
the ghosts are roosting
in shivering clumps
Frankenstein frankly
down in the dumps
the vampires stuck
in the castle cellar
under the floorboards
under the weather
huddled together
with only their thumbs to suck
the golem
is ho hum
lumpishly no fun
the werewolf
nowhere to be found
the killer clown
way outta town
the witch finally ditched
her broom and then hitched
for landings on easier ground
and all because they’d seen the news
the wars and cruelty had them confused
and honestly – what should they do?
they assumed that the humans
were suffering delusions
about monsters and who was who
so save your candy on halloween night
kick your pumpkin and curse
the monsters have quit
and you’d have to admit
they’re right – people are worse
was TV
important to me?
you bet
that’s why I’ll be buried
in an old TV set
circa 1973
and the priest administering the last TV Times to me
will be
Shaggy
from Scooby Doo
who’ll
gulp and point
slam the TV tie-in book and say ZOINKS!
then manically skedaddle
down the middle of the chapel
chased by a glowing sexton prowling
outside the batty church, growling
but who ultimately slips up
when he straightaway gets tripped up
by Daphne & Velma
sobbing beneath a big umbrella
which they use to hook ‘em
and when the cops put the cuffs on to book ‘em
the sexton cynically curls his lips
says he would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for them kids
and Scooby gets a Scooby snack
and the ceremony picks up pretty soon after that
led by Hong Kong Phooey and Spot the cat
through a cemetery of leaning screens
under a flyby of Wacky Races machines
as Top Cat
slowly takes off his hat
and Benny the Ball bawls
and The Brain and Office Dibble
stifle their sniffles
but everyone cheers when they hear a shout
Spot bangs the TV and I jump out
I’m sorry but THERE IS NO GOD
and you’d have to say
if there WAS, day to day
they’re doing a pretty terrible job
war, famine, cruelty, fennel
disease, deception
the film inception
having to put your dog in the kennel
why? why go to all that trouble
making sadness and suffering
bad teeth and buffering
from an eternity of inert but happy rubble?
just to have people who’ll tremble & praise them?
legions of clerics, holymen, priests
shamans in hats and fancy briefs
all terrified you won’t save them?
jeez. it’s like some kind of celestial baby
playing with armies
tornadoes, tsunamis
just ‘cos they’re bored and going crazy
there’s no such thing as an atheist in a fox hole
you say, looking smug
is that a fact? (smile / sigh / shrug)
well apparently not if you were born in Vauxhall
driven by caffeine
and the pull of routine
stoic and steadfast
straight after breakfast
I head upstairs
to my desk and chair
to sit there
and type
500 words of freewrite
like a prolix golem
then afterwards a poem
and I have to say stanley
will almost inevitably
walk up in front of me
I’m glad of the company
doggedly content
two word hounds head down on the scent
poor Robert Shaw
getting fatally gnawed
on that boat
when he’d done his best
to keep it afloat
tagging the shark
with barrels and rope
but ending up sneaker deep in its throat
saying aaargh and geeennnneeesh
through bloody gritted teeth
as Carcharodon carcharias
chowed down on his sorry ass
succumbing to the bite
of the big great white
despite
all his fight
Quint couldn’t quite
grapple this
the last shark snack from the Indianapolis
Robin Williams had some great one liners
he said politicians should wear sponsor jackets like Nascar drivers
so we know who owns them
absolutely! it would totally expose them
so we could quickly see the people who’ll phone them
to twitch their puppet strings and loan them
hefty amounts of moolah and scratch
the bigger the sponsor the bigger the patch
he’s TOTALLY right
and I wish he was here on stage tonight
to riff on the tragic depth of their lies
acting the part in suits and ties
but underneath their slick disguise
hiding the WhatsApp group replies
the champagne dinners behind oak doors
gentlemen’s clubs with parquet floors
fat cigars and thick guffaws
about the new and complex laws
they’ll sneakily draft and bring to pass
to maximise yield but cover their arse
and awkward reforms put out to grass
THEN we’d see who wields the pen
in the cabinet rooms at Number Ten
jim clayton 