the maltese octopus

he was the kind of grifting, streetwise lurcher
if you ran him downtown to a cash converter
you might just score a coupla bucks
if you liked your mongrels bargain deluxe

a rough haired dog who knew you knew it
hair so wild you’d think he blew it
off-white, singed, like a throw of burned coconut
teeth all messy and badly broken up
dotted around his mouth like rubble
a body as lean as a two bit go kart
a heart as smart as humphrey bogart

I’d been hired to find an old toy octopus
whose police profile was a major shock to us
googly eyes, purple fur
strictly one for the connoisseur
I held out a pic, said ‘seen this toy?’
stan just sneered, said ‘boy oh boy!
not a looker so to speak
just so long as the perp don’t squeak’
I thanked him for his time and split
we both knew I wasn’t done with it

Later when Stan lit out for a sniff
I snuck back in and found the stiff
under the sofa with a cache of chews
the kind a rough haired lurcher might use
suddenly I heard the dog flap flap
I looked around but damn I was trapped
he laughed like a chimp at a cheap safari
‘so you found my stash of calamari’
then pulling a snub nosed .44
he backed away through the kitchen door

I caught him up on newfoundland drive
just as the black n’white arrived
he did his best with the rough n’stuff
but ended paws spread on the bonnet in cuffs
‘I guess you think you’re the nuts,’ he sneered
‘in your thrift store suit and your jazzy beard’
I tapped out a chesterfield, snapped my hat
ruffled his ears as they threw him in back
‘jes’ working’ the leads, stan – nothin’ special
now give my regards to the cats at the kennel’

barnaby rage by charles dickwad

were drivers this mad when it used to be carts
furiously tailgating in fits and starts
undertaking left, cutting in right
flashing their bullseye lamps at night
blasting out FM hard times rap
giving the horse’s arse a slap
to run faster into smoggy disaster
toll-booth, gin-proof, mad dog master
mud splatter, cobble clatter, bad mouth brutal
get ‘art the way you adjectival fopdoodle
clay pipe of crack, eyes wide red
homburg hat tipped back of the head
heart full of horrors, pocket full of rats
boots up on the dash reading oliver twats

bucket list

wear rubber gloves watching murder she wrote
take a balloon dog out for a float
hit the clubs with a ventriloquist’s dummy
go see tutankhamen dressed as a mummy
climb mount everest in slippers and duvet
present the queen with a barbed wire bouquet
work a week as a labourer for lego
play jerusalem allegretto
march on parliament with a zimmer frame army
make a new hospital outta origami
line the mall with cactus plants
win a staring contest with charles dance
change your star sign by deed poll to gemini
make the o2 into a giant lemon pie
that’s it from me – go make your own story
(but whatever you do, don’t vote tory)

seven bins sunak speaks to the nation

so after careful consideration
I present to the nation
those policies no longer for implementation:

a tax on condiments, especially ketchup
the legal obligation to go to a costume party and dress up
like an astronaut, or alternatively, Fred Astaire
a tax on old bears
especially those in such a state of poor repair
their freakish and lopsided expressions frankly scare
a tax on stairs
or any stair-related products
a tax on terrible twins (aka Castor & Pollux)
a tax on molluscs
funding to fix the nation’s gut biome
funding to help kids build homes
for rabbits, hamsters or gerbils
extra taxation on vexatious and unreliastic commercials
particularly washing powder and cars
a tax on Mars bars
a tax on large jars
impossible to open without spilling
a tax on cheese grilling
or any late-night, snack-related activity
restrictions on the use of radioactivity
for home lighting
any obligation to watch WWF fighting
and groan
any obligation to pick up a banana and pretend it is a phone
no to pant laws
specifying how many old pairs you can keep in your drawers
without acknowledging the many and egregious holes in the gussets
and I’m sorry but we refuse any calls to discuss this
further
no tax on Werther’s
Originals
no tax on words with more than three syllables
no tax on invisibles
(such as ghosts)
and finally it’s a NO to a tax on toast

as you can see we are a serious government
utilising powers of great insight and judgement
guiding this country through choppy waters
(honestly, spads, it’s like lambs to the slaughter)

when and where I left it

I built a time machine
left it on a bench
in 1917
bottom of a trench

the next worked fine
sweetly constructed
lost in 79
when Vesuvius erupted

improved version three
I left in the brig
of an interplanetary
mining ship

four’s long gone
wrapped in a liner
when Genghis Khan
invaded China

it’s always the same
my invention’s hot
it’s just a shame
my memory’s not