I wanted to be Frodo
I showed them my walk
they said good god oh no
and made me an orc
I wanted to be Luke
my sword work was super
but my smile made them puke
so they made me a trooper
I wanted to be Jones
I said I was smart – see?
when I answered the phone
I’d been cast as a nazi
I wanted to be Jack
gave the reading plenty
when they called me back
I was pirate #20
Sliderman
does whatever a sliderman can
while still wearing socks
but moved on from crocs
bought them off Etsy
seriously expects he
looks hygge and sexy
squeaking off to answer the door
lime green rubber on laminate floor
Supermarketman
pushes a trolley and parks it man
antisocially across the row
so HE can easily shop n’go
while other shoppers mutter n’curse
and wave their fists and go in reverse
struggling to get to the chiller desserts
thinking they might
just toss the tosser some kryptonite
Thaw
wrenches open the freezer door
flails about in a furious manner
bashes away with a big claw hammer
clunking out hunks
of ice in chunks
pies n’burgers expired a month
soaked to his crocs
roaring it’s worse than Ragnarok
Mum began it, neatly and discreetly
backhanding a table tennis champ
in an old Cortina conveniently off ramp
later, got caught
on a badminton court
shuttlecocking
or something shocking
I think there was a baby?
not Dad’s maybe?
it’s all a bit hazy
meanwhile, Dad rode distance
to see his sister
he insisted
but suspiciously
dressed a little too lightly
for a ride down to Devon on a Honda C90
I’m guessing it was Margaret
the woman in the local supermarket
we saw one week
when she stopped us to speak
by the discounted meat
‘Have you told her yet?’ she said
staring at dad as she ruffled my head
I
You ask for succour but there’s none in our pockets. We spent it all on guns and rockets.
II
God offered his cheek to one that wouldst smite him. But then when he learned the meaning of smite He rolled up his sleeves and said ‘Okay! Right!’ And took the guy’s ear off in one big bite. Then Jesus stepped in to break up the fight. And they all ended up in the cells for the night.
III
Let us love one another for love is from God. And whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. And God knows we need a bit of love right now. So to recap – love one another because God is love and love God and get that love in as SOON as you can, PLEASE, because I’ve seen how He acts when the love gets squeezed. Earthquakes, wars, cancers, bugs – all these and more when you ration the hugs. God is everything, including your ass, so any questions best not ask. Show a bit of fealty. That sound real to ye?
someone was telling me about
his plans to cycle across Europe
detailing the miles between
one city and the next
what he’d wear
exactly what kinda bike
I said put a basket on the front
fill it with apples
and throw them at people as you go
no
he said
but the bike has two paninis
over the front wheel
someone else
was talking about
his grandfather
who fought in the first world war
mine did too
I said
he was in the first hoover battalion
they’d go in
with henrys on their backs
and clean out the trenches
oh he said
that sucks
someone else was telling me
about an old apple orchard
I like climbing trees
I said
but once I’m up
I tend to nest
and you have to poke me down
with a long stick
oh
she said
I’d use the stick to keep you up there
jim clayton 