Amelia, the medium miniature schnauzer

There’s a Georgian mansion house and gardens occupying the spot where the Norman motte and bailey once was. These days, the only thing surviving of the stone castle that followed on from it are the vaults and tunnels beneath.
‘A little health and safety before I take you in,’ says the guide. ‘Can you hear me at the back? Shuffle up! No-one’s going anywhere until I’ve gone over the rules.’

I’m a little worried about mum. This is her ninetieth birthday party, after all, and although her health is pretty good generally, her right hip is beginning to give out, making her walk at a loping slant like a pantomime pirate. On the plus side, it might actually work to her advantage down there in the lopsided environment of the vaults. On the minus, she’s taking her miniature Schnauzer Amelia down with her. She won’t be dissuaded.
‘She’s sensitive to ghosts,’ she says. ‘It’ll be like taking a canary down the mines.’
‘Keep your hard hats on at all times,’ says the guide, tapping his head by way of illustration. ‘The ceiling is low and it curves in steeply either side. I estimate that each of you will bang your head four times. I’m never wrong about this.’
‘Is there a hat for Amelia?’ says Mum.
‘No,’ says the guide. ‘She’s low enough for that not to be a problem. Okay? If you’d like to follow me, then…’
And he turns and leads us down the worn stone steps, through the iron gates, and into the gloomy vaults that stretch ahead, lit by emergency lighting at spooky intervals.
Someone bumps their helmet on the lintel.
‘That’s one!’ shouts the guide.
‘He’s good’ whispers Mum.

Mum had her eightieth party at the castle, too. For some reason she didn’t go down the vaults then, which either suggests the older she gets the more risks she’s happy to take, or – more likely – that the poodle she had at that time was too elderly or sick to manage it. Everything Mum does is based on the dog of the moment. She refuses to put them in kennels, have a dog-sitter or leave them alone for a minute. Any family event, the primary concern will be the dog. It wouldn’t surprise me if she turned up at a wedding or a funeral with the dog carried in by four oiled slaves on a litter. Every dog she’s ever had has been utterly dependent with high-end requirements, existing on boiled rice and chicken, and pet soaps on the telly.
Funny thing is, Amelia is much less of a monster than you’d have any right to expect. Mum says she barks all the time, but she hasn’t barked once at the party. She’s quite content to sit in the shade under the table. She even lifts a paw and when I ask her – to shake, I thought, but I think she wants me to kiss a claw, like the pope’s ring.
‘She’s a very biddable dog,’ I say.
‘She’s protective,’ says Mum. ‘She won’t be parted from me for a second.’
Amelia puts her head on one side and stares into my eyes with that odd, gruff-wise expression Schnauzers have (or Schnau-tzers as Mum pronounces it, like it’s a make of machine pistol). Arriving at the party I half expected to see Amelia’s face on the balloons and banners when we came round the corner into the garden; as it was, she was prominently displayed on Mum’s lap, receiving tribute from the guests as they arrived, accepting all their strokes and tickles with the imperious and unquestioning hauteur of a president.

‘That’s two!’ says the guide, calling out from the front.
‘He’s very good,’ says Mum.

‘Now then,’ says the guide, stopping by a particular vent off to the left and gesturing with his stick. ‘We’ve got a colony of bats in there. Please don’t disturb them with any flash photography. They’re a protected species. If they do happen to fly out, resist the urge to flap around. Just remain calm and stand perfectly still. They’ll do a couple of circuits then go back in to roost. But don’t worry,’ he carries on. ‘They’re the only animals we’ve got down here. Present company excepted. There aren’t any others, not even rats.’
‘Rats don’t like bats,’ says Mum. ‘Or is it the other way round?’
It sounds like a quote – Alice in Wonderland? – and adds to the dreamy feel of the whole thing. Mum’s holding tightly to the arm of my eldest brother as we carry on into the vaults, either because of her frailty or because she doesn’t want to lose him again. After all, no-one’s seen him for ten years or more, but against all expectations he’s turned up at the party with his daughter. No one knows why he disappeared for so long, and Mum’s party isn’t the place to ask. For now, proceeding in a shuffling crouch through these dimly lit vaults, it feels like we’ve been magically called together for one, last ceremonial journey into the underworld.

We emerge into a longer, larger hall. Off at the far end is a single plastic chair, eerily lit by the emergency lighting. In front of us is a camping table with more of the chairs. The guide sits down on one of the chairs.
‘Gather round’ he says. ‘Now – this is where the local paranormal society like to set up their equipment. As you may or may not be aware, the castle – and particularly these vaults – are some of the most haunted spots in the county. Every so often we let the paranormal society camp down here for the night with all their equipment, their EVP recorders, full spectrum cams and what have you. Myself? I don’t believe in ghosts particularly, but they seem to think there’s something going on down here. They’ve shown me pictures of a dark figure over there in that corner where the chair is. The Blob, they call it. I don’t know. It’s an interesting phenomenon, whatever it is. And the place certainly takes on a special feeling in the early hours. I’ll tell you a story. Last year the paranormals were down for one of their regular sessions. And there was this chap – nice guy, very down to earth – and he came along with his girlfriend, because although he didn’t believe in ghosts she was very into the whole thing and he wanted to show her support. So here we were, all set up, and it was about two or three in the morning, and it was time for one of our regular breaks up top. And this chap, he says “I’ll stay down here on my own”. “Oh” we say “Are you sure about that?” “Sure I’m sure” he says. “I’ll be fine. And turn out all the lights when you go.” I think it was bravado – you know. Showing off in front of his girlfriend. Anyway, we did as he asked, we all left the chamber, and the last thing I did before I came up into the garden was turn out all the lights with the master switch. Then I joined the others having a cup of tea on the veranda of the main house. Well – I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced perfect darkness? Absolute, perfect silence? It’s a strange thing, something you don’t often get. In fact, I’d go as far as to say it’s rarely experienced, because however dark it gets there’s always a glimmer of something, even if it’s just starlight. Anyway – about ten minutes after I shut off the lights, there was this terrible wailing scream from the vaults, and the poor chap came sprawling up the steps, staggered across the lawn, and literally threw himself at us on the veranda. When he’d calmed down enough he told us what happened. Apparently he sat there in the dark, getting used to it, feeling quite relaxed, sleepy even – when suddenly he heard a scratching noise from over in the far corner. He didn’t like it, but he dismissed it as a rat – which, as you know, we don’t get down here. The next thing was the feeling of a heavy hand on his shoulder, and someone’s face at his ear, making gritty grinding noises with their teeth. That’s when he screamed and ran – headfirst through the pitch blackness. How he didn’t knock himself cold, I don’t know. And the worst thing was, he said – the worst thing – was he could hear footsteps following close behind him. I said to him, I said “that was probably the echo of your own footsteps” “So how come they followed me across the lawn as well?” he said. And that was that.’
Mum looks down at Amelia.
‘How strange!’ she says. ‘She hasn’t barked once!’


letter from paris

Bonjour, mes amis. Ca va?

So we’ve come on holiday to Paris, staying in an Airbnb in the 18th arrondissement, about a mile or so down the road from Montmartre. Staying in these flats is always interesting. My impression is they fall into two camps: those that are bought and let specifically as holiday accommodation, and those where the family clear out for a time to make a little extra on the side. I prefer the latter, actually, although it is a weird feeling, letting yourself into someone else’s place. I keep expecting them to turn up, find us all sitting eating dinner, and scream. But it’s a homey experience, that’s for sure, friendlier, more like real life, with none of that stultifying uniformity you get in hotels. And you get a small flavour of what it must be like to live round here, shop in the local markets, drink in the bars, ride the Metro.

It’s the little details that really make it. I like the weird drawings on the wall in one of the children’s rooms, one of them a kind of cosmic pig’s head in a field of stars that look worryingly like pentagrams. I like the fact that when we were looking for matches there were children’s baby teeth in the matchbox. I like it that there’s a cupboard with a sliding door that when you open it a hundred things fall out and it takes you half an hour to put it all back. Including a zipped bag of knives. And I like it that over the dining table there’s a gangster film poster called ‘Everyone’s Going to Die’.

I know that last paragraph probably reads as if I don’t like these things, but – honestly – I do. The point is, you definitely don’t get any of this in a hotel, which tends to present its comforts with all the meticulous warmth of a crime scene.

So all in all I like the apartment. Except one thing I don’t particularly like are the electric shutters on the windows. It seems as if you’re supposed to close them at night, but to me it feels too much like being banged up in a maximum security prison. It’s airless and cheerless and a little claustrophobic. It makes me think of all those films where heavy metal shutters were needed – I Am Legend, maybe, or Forbidden Planet (I know, I know – that’s a stretch – but it’s not necessarily an indication of age. I mean, I’ve seen Nosferatu, but I’m not a hundred. And to labour the point, I’ve read The Tempest but I’m not five hundred). Point is, in Forbidden Planet (based on The Tempest, ironically), the house of Dr Morbius has these gigantic iron shutters that clang into position at night to protect them against the monsters of the ID. So I suppose what I’m saying is that sometimes you’ll book through Airbnb and find yourself going to bed in a fortress on another planet. But that’s good, because I like to get out and see other worlds. Shutters permitting.

no photo

Flea markets are great places for taking pictures. There’s something poignant about the jumble of things, collections from other people’s lives – the ceramic hand that no doubt sat waving for decades on someone’s dressing table, now waving more in a drowning kind of way, struggling for a handhold in the tsunami of Mickey Mouse phones, crocodile boot jacks, thimble collections, spinning wheels, Meccano steam pumps, Chinese silk screens, hats, corsets, coins and rings and trays of lithographic stamps, and a hundred de-framed oil paintings, some good, some bad, some so completely terrible they’ve actually dragged themselves in the direction of the bin. It’s quite overwhelming.

It was raining. A drizzling start that grew in confidence and downright malevolence until finally we were sloshing heads down and hoods-up through the puddles, dodging cataracts of water falling from the stall tarpaulins. It was pretty miserable, and I was mindful of getting my camera wet, so we diverted to a more comprehensively covered area. The displays in this section were much more discretely spaced, as if the quality of each item and the subsequent price needed the extra room to breathe and properly be itself. The stall holders were different, too, more vigilant, less friendly. They sat on antique chairs brutally flipping through antique catalogues, regularly glancing over the tops of their bifocals, like security guards in a museum. It was pretty off-putting, I must admit. There was one cabinet that really caught my eye, though. It was beautifully put together in an oddly hypnotic way, the whole display like one of those grabber cranes at the fair, except instead of toy penguins, trolls and the like there was a delicately fabulous selection of things, a phrenology head, strings of amber beads, strange dolls, ceremonial daggers. I took out my camera and started playing with the settings. I felt a tap on the shoulder. It was a tall guy in a three piece suit and a three piece face (frown, flare, sneer). He leaned over and tapped the case, and a card taped to the top that I hadn’t noticed. No Photo. A hand-drawn picture of a camera with a red line through it.
‘Ah! Pardon!’ I said, very embarrassed, putting the lens cap back on and touching him on the shoulder in a friendly way. It was like touching a mannequin. He turned away to fuss with some shawls. He was mumbling whilst he did it, and even though I wasn’t entirely sure whether he was talking to me or not, I stayed to find out. My French is very bad, but this is what I think he said:
‘I get up early. It rains. I set up my shop. And for what? A photo?’
‘Je suis desolé,’ I said. ‘Au revoir, monsieur.’
I turned to see that my wife and girls had already moved on. A long way on.
The man watched me do the same.

*  *

You need a thick skin to do street photography. Or an adaptable one, like a chameleon. Up till now I’ve been too scared, and stuck to shots of nature, architecture, stuff that doesn’t move or protest. When I have taken pictures of people I’ve always felt a little furtive, trying to look as if I’m focusing on something else, then moving the camera to catch the real subject as an afterthought. I quite like hanging around places, to see what happens, though. It’s fascinating, the subtle changes to a place over time. Still, most of those shots are distant and a little too objective. I’d like to get a more intimate perspective on life in the streets – or wherever life happens to be happening – but I think I’ll need to work on my people skills first. In hindsight, maybe I could’ve made a start with that stallholder.

Although God knows what he’d have done if I’d tried to photograph HIM.



Walking into Aldrin’s, my local opticians is like walking back forty years straight onto the set of a seventies sitcom. The shop itself is a bewildering mish-mash of old shop dummies with lopsided glasses and spangly headscarves; a top shelf that’s like an ever changing shrine (this week it’s Bruce Lee / last week it was Egyptian pharoahs); a collection of chairs ranging in style from 1950s dentist to 1850s Parisian bar; a tall, rectangular glass display case filled with sunglasses, and in the shop window, a red corner sofa where a bunch of characters come and go for no apparent reason.

Mr Aldrin, the optician, is a witty, personable, slightly louche character in a tank top and pastel slacks, with jangling wrists of lucky charm bracelets, and a gold tooth. I don’t know whether he does it unconsciously, or whether he read about it in one of the magazines that lie about the shop – but Mr A always adopts exactly the same posture you take when you talk to him. To the extent that it’s become a bit of a thing whenever I go in to stand in the most ridiculous poses and see if he does the same. Which of course he always does.

There’s an old TV up on a bracket, and every time I’m in it’s playing something retro. Last week it was ‘Duel’, the early Spielberg road thriller; today it was concert footage of Roger Whittaker (Mr Aldrin: ‘Watch out! He’ll start whistling in a minute!) Although thinking about it, both Weaver and Whittaker were big spectacle wearers, so maybe that’s why he chose them.

Today I’ve gone in to pick up my new glasses.


SCENE: MAN goes into Aldrins Opticians. Roger Whittaker is whistling on the TV. There’s a CUSTOMER, a middle-aged woman, sitting neutrally in the window seats, a giant Scooby Doo cuddly toy leaning up against her. MR ALDRIN is pottering around the glasses display. MRS C, the very ancient woman who sits behind the counter, is … erm… sitting behind the counter.

SFX : Tinkle of a shop bell.

MAN: Morning!
MR A: A very good morning to you. How are you?
MAN: I’m good thanks. Yeah. How are you?
MR A: Absolutely no trace of a hangover.
MAN: Really? That’s great!
MR A: Vodka is so pure it burns clean away.
MAN: I never knew that.
MR A: My eldest took me to Vegas. His stag do.
MAN: I think I saw that film
MR A: They made me watch it before I went. And I have to say it was very helpful. We had a fabulous time. A pool to ourselves. And the waiters! They just kept coming and going with Vodkas and cokes. All told I think I must’ve been drinking about nineteen hours straight.
MAN: Nineteen?
MR A: And everything was as clear as these glasses by the end of it. At one point, Dan went off with his mates to see Calvin Harris. Y’know who Calvin Harris is, don’t you?
MAN: I think so.
MR A: Well I didn’t. That’s why I didn’t go. So I wandered off, and eventually I found myself at this show. A famous couple from the seventies. And they played six hours straight. And they were completely fabulous. Who d’you think it was?
MAN: I don’t know. Chas n’Dave?
MR A: One of them’s a girl.
MAN: Chas n’Dave – no – I’m kidding. Erm – Peters & Lee
MR A: Who?
MAN: Peters & Lee. You know. (closes his eyes and starts singing) ‘Welcome home….’
MR A: (shakes his head) You’re thinking of Ray Charles. No – it was Donny & Marie.
WOMAN: Osmond!
MR A: (pointing at her) That’s it!
WOMAN: Now he IS fabulous. (She picks up the Scooby Doo, dances it on her lap, then hugs it).
MR A: That’s Vegas for you. Full of surprises. And good value. Now then. What can I do for you?
MAN: I just wondered if my glasses were in.
MRS C: (grumpily) I did ring, you know.
MAN: Did you? Sorry. I didn’t get the message. Maybe our phone’s on the blink.
MRS C: (shrugs) Mind you, I left about a hundred messages for a customer the other day, and then eventually got a callback saying can you stop ringing this number, this is Salisbury.
MR A: Phones, eh? (secretly pulling face at me). I say, Mrs C – could you take the lettering off of these lenses for the gentleman? Shan’t keep you a moment.

(MRS C hauls out a large bottle of methylated spirits – pretends to take a swig – then starts cleaning the glasses)

WOMAN: I was at that Health Spa the other day. And I was lying on this lounger… by the pool….
MR A: Not the car park, then?
WOMAN: …and I could see this elderly man out of the corner of my eye, and I thought I know you. And I couldn’t help keep sneaking a look, because it’s terrible when you know you know something but you can’t quite…. you just can’t…..And when he left, and walked past me, he looked down at me and gave me a lovely big cheeky grin, and it was the grin what gave it away. I knew immediately who it was. Guess who it was.
MR A: I think we need a bit more detail.
MAN: Old or young?
WOMAN: Not very old. But quite old. Before YOUR time.
MR A: Well I know who Shakespeare is but I’m not four hundred and fifty, am I?
WOMAN: He was in a sitcom. I used to love it. About this old married couple. Although thinking about it he could only have been about thirty when they made it.
MR A: Brian Murphy!
WOMAN: (pointing at MR A, delighted) Yes!
(she dances the Scooby Doo around again. MAN is just about to ask her where it came from when MRS C interrupts, holding out the glasses…)
MRS C: Well do you want them or not?



rubbed out

IMG_0935If I had an old lamp, and I rubbed it, and a Genie rushed out (especially after all that shaking), and if, after a certain amount of impressive mid-air improvisation, it swept in close and offered me three wishes, the first one would be: Genie? I wish I had more friends.
G: More what now?
Me: More friends. I wish I had more friends!
G: Okay, wait, now. Jus’ a second. Y’see? First of all – let’s get one thing straight. It’s very important when doin’ this whole Three Wishes thing, you get the Ts and Cs absolutely watertight, y’know what I’m saying? You gotta concentrate. This shit’s important. You don’t want to end up saying something that through some legal bullshit smallprint kinda deal ends up giving you something truly awful.
Me: It’s what I want.
G: Okay then. So let’s just take a moment and knuckle down on the facts here. When you say more, do you really truly honest to God MEAN more? Or are we REALLY talking ‘any’? Because, my response to THAT would be: What – are you KIDDIN’ me?
Me: No! I do mean more. I think. I mean – I’ve got friends. Obviously I’ve got friends. C’mon! I’m not THAT bad! I can hold my end in a conversation.
G: Maybe that’s your problem right there, my friend. Holding your end in a conversation. That’s some weird vibey shit you’re giving them, right there.
Me: What I mean is, I can do the normal stuff. I don’t think I’m hard work.
G: Honey? We’re ALL hard work! It’s what makes us interesting.
Me: You, maybe.
G: The cute pants help.
Me: I don’t know. It’s just – sometimes I feel like I used to have friends, and I let ‘em go.
G: Shit happens, man. People move apart. You gotta make more of an EFFORT. You gotta join some CLUBS! Play some tennis or shit like that. Hit a few balls round the park, see where they land.
Me: It’s true. When I lived in London I used to play softball. I got to know a lot of people through that. And when I was at university I had friends. I even married one of them. That didn’t work out.
G: Sheesh! You’re the first person I ever offered three wishes to that had an instant nervous breakdown. I oughta open with a disclaimer.
Me: It brings it into focus, that’s the truth.
G: Okay. So – look. What you’re telling me is you need more friends?
Me: Wish Number One!
G: Great. Yeah – but – see? I’m not sure this is your actual wish territory. Sure I could do it! No problem! One snap of the fingers, there’d be thirty shiny happy people camped out on your lawn. You’d have to set up a ticket system, like at the deli.
Me: I wouldn’t mind.
G: But they wouldn’t be REAL friends. They’d LOOK like friends. They’d be CONVINCING. They’d sure as hell make a lot of friendly noises, make you tea, answer the phone at two a.m. But you’d soon get freaked out by all that uncanny valley shit. I’m good, but I’m not THAT good.
Me: So what do I do?
G: You gotta let go of the past. You gotta stop playing that broken record that keeps skipping back to the lines that hurt you, the throwaway comments like: ‘oh – he’s so alone’ or ‘a bit dry for some’ or ‘antisocial as ever, I see’ – the throwaway shit that’s particularly sticky for some reason. That lodges in the brain, and all you do is play it over to yourself over and over till you end up BELIEVIN’ it.
Me: How long were you IN that bottle?
G: It’s a lamp, num-nuts. And in answer to your question, long enough.
Me: Is this one of your special skills? Seeing into people’s souls?
G: Now – maybe this is why you don’t get the dinner invitations so much.
Me: So what do I do, then?
G: Number one? Relax. Things are almost always better than you think. Number two? Go through your address book and call someone up. Be like the tick on the shoe and JUS’ DO IT! Email at the very least. Ask if they wanna go out for a drink. Go see a show. Aladdin or something classy like that. Number Three? Join a club. I know, I know. It’s the kinda thing your momma woulda said, but y’know what? Your momma ain’t that bad. An’ you ain’t that bad, neither. IMHO.
Me: So you text in there?
G: Signal’s crap but I try to stay current.
Me: Thanks for the advice, Genie. I appreciate it.
G: No – thank YOU! I was getting a bit antsy stuck in that thing. There’s only so much you can do with a spout. So – what about them other wishes?
Me: I don’t know. Give them to someone else. I’ve always felt uneasy when people say they’re waiting to win the lottery. I can’t think of anything worse. It’s like admitting life’s so hopeless it’ll take divine intervention to save it.
G: (pause) No wonder you got no friends.


houseplant of darkness

I wasn’t being politically correct. I just didn’t feel comfortable calling it ‘Mother-in-Law’s Tongue’.

I mean, for one thing, I got on with my mother-in-law really well. She was kind, supportive, interesting, inspiring, good fun – in fact, as far from the caricature as it was possible to be. So calling the houseplant by that name felt like a betrayal. It’s something I’ve come across a few times in the past. Names for things that hang around too long, a fragment of grit in the soft parts of an oyster, accruing a showy veneer, a superficial value. I’d rather just spit the thing out and start again, with a new word.

Cathy, the shop assistant in the garden centre, was sweeping up. It was hot in the houseplant section, humid as a rainforest, bland music overhead instead of birds. Cathy was wearing a large button badge: Here to Help, but it should really have said Here to Sweat. She was sweating so much I wanted to sit her down and run off to find water, maybe a mountain stream in the patio furniture department or something. I could fill a coconut. There was a silvering sheen running right and left from under the collar of her forest green polo shirt, down over her sternum, plunging into the ravine of her décolletage. How she was going to get through the rest of the day without IV fluids I had no idea. Hopefully she was on a half-day.
‘Yes?’ she said, wiping her forehead with the back of her hand and then not so much leaning on her broom as propping her entire body up on it.
‘Have you got any Sansevieria?’IMG_0917
‘Some sansevi-what?’
‘Sansevieria. I think that’s what it’s called.’
She shook her head.
‘What’s it look like?’ she said.
‘I think it’s other name is Snake plant.’
‘Snake plant?’
‘I think so.’
‘Never heard of it. Show me a picture.’
‘It’s a really common houseplant,’ I said, pulling out my phone and going into Google history. ‘Tall and thin. Green, yellowy. You can’t kill it, apparently – which suits me. Low maintenance. There!’
I show her the picture.
‘So it’s Mother-in-Law’s Tongue you want?’
I hesitated.
‘Yep. That’s it,’ I said.
‘Follow me.’
She led me through a three-tiered jungle of Cheeseplants, Dragon Trees, Spider plants, Figs and cacti, to a shelf of Sansevieria of differing sizes.
‘There you go,’ she said. ‘Mother-in-Law’s Tongue.’
The one in the middle looked about the right size for the windowsill, so I took it down.
‘I’ll need some compost to go with it,’ I said. ‘What do you recommend?’
‘I’d recommend not re-potting. You can see – look – it’s got a fair bit of growing in there before it needs potting on.’
‘Yeah – but – I don’t like the pot.’
‘What d’you mean?’
‘Well it’s plastic. I’ve got one at home that’ll be really nice.’
Cathy shakes her head, and the drip of water that had been collecting at the end of her nose drops away. It’s like she’s watering the collection all by herself, just by wandering round.
‘Has it got a hole in it?’ she says.
‘Yes. It has.’
‘At the bottom?’
‘Well – yep. And I’ll put some shards of pot in the bottom to improve drainage, too.’
I thought that would impress her, but she gives a little shudder.
‘If you have to,’ she says. ‘Me? I would NOT repot it.’
‘I suppose I could just drop this pot into the nice pot.’
‘People do,’ she said.
‘It’s just – it wouldn’t look so great. This pot I’m thinking of – it’s only just a little bit bigger. I think it might be alright.’
‘Suit yourself,’ she said. ‘I can only advise.’
I felt awkward. It was easier adopting a dog from the RSPCA. It wouldn’t have surprised me if she’d insisted on a home visit, to see where I was going to put the plant. What plans I had for it when I was out.
She watched as I picked up the Sansevieria in one hand and a small pack of houseplant compost in the other and headed for the tills, warning shrieks all around me now – hers, or the capuchin monkeys in the canopy, it was impossible to tell.

* * *

In the car, I put the Sansevieria in the well of the passenger seat, using the compost bag to wedge it in place as best I could. It looked a bit shivery as I turned the engine over, so I tried to reassure it.
‘You’ll be fine in the new pot,’ I told it. ‘Don’t listen to her.’
But I could feel Cathy’s giant eyes superimposed on the sky above the glass canopy of the garden centre, following my car as I turned out of the car park: Cathy Kurtz, sweating, distractedly pulling off her wig, passing a hand backwards over her shining head: The horror! The horror!



enjoying the crab

Okay. So. I’m a futuristic marine, making my way with the rest of the corps through the undergrowth of some hostile alien territory, pointing laser rifles, making ridiculous hand gestures that are supposed to mean clicks or formation or something, who knows. Some of the other marines pass by in a troop carrier like a metal spider with fancy hydraulic legs. It’s impressive to look at but very unsteady. It’d be quicker and safer if they just got out and walked.

Suddenly I come up against a thick perspex screen with an alien behind it. Basically, the alien looks like a giant penis, with a tight fleshy head and a mouth full of crooked, spindly teeth. The alien stares at me for a while, then when it’s sure it has my complete attention, very slowly and deliberately puts a whole crab in its mouth. It crunches it up, maintaining eye contact, as if to say: You’re next. But I’m not convinced. I can see it’s not enjoying the crab.

The dream ends with us all playing football – marines, civilians, aliens – like we’re at a Cosplay convention and just decided to have a kick around in the car park. It’s a nice feeling, but I can’t help being a bit disappointed. Did I go to all that trouble and get dressed up for this?

* * *

There are lots of theories about why we dream. Some people think it’s just a kind of cerebral defrag, a way for the unplugged brain to process and store all the data flying around, and install important updates, so please – don’t wake up yet. The story element is entirely retrospective and incidental, that cute thing humans have been doing for thousands of years to try to make sense of the world. Dreams, lightning, religion – same thing. Others believe it’s your unconscious shooting a movie it hopes you’ll find personally enlightening, using whatever costumes and props it happens to have lying around. (And if you don’t – well, fine – it didn’t cost anything to make, being shot locally and entirely CGI). And then there are whole dictionaries and websites dedicated to listing the meanings behind all the thousands of common dream images (although I’m not sure that my understanding of crab is anything like yours – mine being ME as a ten year old in jelly sandals, turning over stones in a rock pool, and yours being YOU as the first mate of a trawler in the Bering Straits, hauling in a thousand dollars worth of Alaskan King Crab).

The only thing you can say for sure is that everyone dreams. Even the people who say they don’t, because if you watch them whilst they sleep (get them to sign something first) – well, excuse me, but they certainly wave their arms, jerk their legs, shout random things and spookily flick their eyes from side to side like the rest of us dreamers. So I’m guessing the difference is they can’t RECALL those dreams, or have decided it’s simply conversational death to even THINK about describing that dream they had when a bus made of cheese pulled over, the doors opened, and Maisie Williams was the driver, dressed as a cat.

So taking dreams to be your unconscious brain reaching up to your conscious brain, tapping it on the lobe and whispering: Hey! Look at this! THIS is what you REALLY feel about that thing you’ve been worrying about…, what the hell am I supposed to make of my alien dream?

A giant penis eating a crab?

Not enjoying it?



there’s something about rabbits

I meet Vicky over the woods. I hear her before I see her, singing along to a backing track.
‘I’m trying to get the words down,’ she says, tugging out the ear buds. ‘Concert’s next week.’
She pulls an eek face.
We fall in together, the dogs running on ahead.
Somehow, in the way these conversations go, we get to talking about rabbits.
‘Someone put a dead rabbit on the footbridge.’
‘Why would they do that?’
She shrugs.
‘I dunno. Some kinda cursey magic thing? Or a dog dropped it? Strange it was so carefully laid out on its side like that, though. I threw it in the bushes. At least it was some kind of burial.’
‘I was walking the Ridgeway this one time, and suddenly out of nowhere a big black rabbit leaped out of the bracken – stopped – looked at me – then leapt into the bracken the other side. It was so weird. It was just like it raised its eyebrows and pointed at me.’
‘A black rabbit?’
‘I know! Maybe it was an escaped pet. If it was, it’d come a long way. There weren’t any houses for miles. Anyway, a couple of seconds later a weasel leapt out of the bracken from the exact same spot – stopped – pulled the same what the hell are YOU doing here? expression – then carried on after the rabbit.’
‘If you’d stayed there longer you’d probably have seen a shit load of other animals. Goat. Tiger. Elephant…’
‘Maybe it was a genetic thing. Or maybe it was just filthy.’
We walk in silence for a bit, thinking about rabbits.
‘There’s a strange guy who lives near the pub,’ says Vicky after a while. ‘Half poacher, half crazy. We were sitting there having a drink. He comes wandering past with a big canvas bag on his shoulder, stops, puts the bag on the ground, dives in with both hands, pulls out a dead rabbit, and stands there looking at us. I didn’t know whether he wanted us to make an offer or clap. But then he moved his hands, and he was holding it in such a way that the head was in his right hand and the body in his left. Like some kind of fucked up magician. Then he put the two bits in the planter, picked up his bag again and carried on. The landlord didn’t seem that bothered, though. He came over with a carrier bag, used it as a glove to pick the rabbit up, tied it up, threw it in the bin. Like this was something that happened every week.’
‘There’s definitely something about rabbits…’
‘I went to this patient once. He had two long eared house rabbits. Lops I think they’re called. Anyway, he was sitting in his chair with a rabbit on each shoulder, watching Pulp Fiction. Tarantino’s a favourite he said. But anything with swords or guns they’re pretty much okay with. He told me how well trained they were. Yeah. It’s perfect. Every night we watch a film together, share a pizza, then they climb down, take my socks off, and we all go to bed.
‘Ew!’ says Vicky. ‘I can’t unhear that.’