poems
status update XL
I’m free as a fart in the late cretaceous / huge and horny and happily herbaceous / munching in swamps that are shit but spacious / but dearie lord and goodness gracious / the atmosphere is quite outrageous / implausibly clawsy and dentally tenacious / why is everything so damned predacious?
I’m a pirate waving his cutlass har-haaar / as he crashes into a seaside bar / demanding to know where the diamonds are / but no-one seems to give a shit / it’s out of season, they’re out of it / a little disappointing I must admit / mate! stow yer noise and quit / yawns the barman, wiping the bar a bit / costume’s great – love the stitchin’ / the curly beard is proper bitchin’ / if you’re lookin’ for work we’re short in the kitchen
I’m a dog on lead, a cat on sax / blasting through the latest tracks / from our platinum album Petallax / rider of bourbon and salty snacks / it’s all good, man, jes’ relax! / we’ll soothe your ears if you scratch our backs
I’m noah’s ark sailing toward / whatever was left when the waters roared / a domestic crew of animals on board / a mouse with a mop, a lion with an ironing board
I’m Gary Cooper in a bar with chaps / snarling hey! this party slaps
I’m a wealthy clown with a squirty cigar / spinning tie and comedy car / rubber teeth and hair bizarre / who goes into politics and gets quite far / as the party-loving ethics tzar
I’m Colonel Mustard in the conservatory with the aneurysm / causing another family schism / the Reverend Plum / acting dumb / thy kingdom come, thy will be done / the old soak’s dead let’s have some fun
I’m a hokey poem about faith n’devotion / stuffed in a bottle and tossed in the ocean
sixty and so what
listen to the man from the land that time forgot
his heart is young but his knees are not
when he dances he chances everything he’s got
but it’s a pretty sweet spot
so
thanks a lot
sixty and so what
but it really doesn’t matter
if you think you’d rather scatter
than listen to a rapper
like ya granddad but badder
his hair all cropped
his waistline flopped
rowing up to heaven
in a knitted tank top
clap hands
clap hands
see you all later in the promised land
where it’s hot
or maybe not
sixty and so what
I’m here to advise ya
I’m older not wiser
just because I know … who … Morecambe & Wise are
This is your life and other surprises
What do points make? (Points make prizes)
Starsky & Hutch, Miami Vice
nice to see ya to see ya nice
Dear Jim, can I meet the antichrist?
Showaddywaddy, Johnny Morris, Eric Sykes
Yikes
the rest I forgot
sixty and so what
It’s Red Alert for Captain Kirk
Shatner pants cos his shields don’t work
Bones on the phone saying this won’t hurt
yeah? been there done that got the red shirt
It’s life Jim but not as we know it
Klingons are crazy, man, please don’t blow it
The crew’s had enough of your starfleet shit
UHURU’S TAKING OVER THE GODDAMN SHIP
c’mon – beam me up
sixty and so what
it’s praying by proxy
maxxing my moxie
taxing my brains and the orthodoxy
rhyming the shocks
burning the clocks
one last chance for opportunity knocks
rapping as they’re tapping down the lid on the box
running outta time fresh out the blocks
the pistol shot
for a medal or not
sixty and so what
if this is the room I guess I must be the elephant
it’s time to quit worrying – you’re NEVER irrelevant
you’re here till you’re not
so give it all you’ve got
sixty and so what
the universe says let’s dance
whaddya mean – can’t dance?
sure you can!
you been dancing
since your heart first began
getting down to party on
with a proto rumbocardium
riding the heat
of the big bang beat
infinity’s drum
for a polka of molecules in the dancehall of your mum
c’mon!
you’re dancing now
exactly where you are
shyly leaning against the bar
cradling a bottle
because that’s what’ll
get you out on the floor
that or pills or a whole lot more
but trust me – let’s go
just let go
we’ll take it slow
nothing above us nothing below
suspended in a boogie chamber of light
whose disco scatter’s
been agitating matter
since the universe first went all mick jagger
bored of coldly hanging onto nothing
really wanna be startin’ somethin
tea, biscuits & astrophysics
13.8bn years ago there was nothing
not a goddamn thing
so getting from that to everything
is really quite something
I mean – at what point do you even start counting?
there isn’t even TIME?
nothing going forward, not even slime
okay – fine
I admit it
I didn’t take science at school I quit it
and I’m not at all religious
the idea God was involved is highly suspicious
I have to say, though, it seems a stretch
for infinity to shake itself and fetch
whole galaxies of stuff
when forever was perfectly good enough
if you’re happy doing nothing
why do something
I mean – WHY?
it’s mystifying
everything’s fine – why risk it?
from absolute zero to a digestive biscuit?
the rapture
I met him in an empty house
his wife had died last May
now he’s got cancer of the mouth
refusing treatment they say
do you have faith he asked me straight
I said I’m sorry no
he asked how I live in such a state
with nowhere for my soul to go
he told me the tale of a man who died
his wife knelt down to pray
and when the ambulance stopped outside
the man was quite okay
‘all of it perfectly documented
the miraculous power of prayer’
he asked if I was interested
I said I was, to be fair
‘the rapture is almost upon us!’ he said
Jesus is close at hand!
don’t be one of those left for dead!
ascend to the promised land!
when the end times finally come
the sinful will lament
as the saved all rise in number
roughly ten percent’
I wanted to hear him answer
why God had to be so rough
why God had given him cancer
but I wasn’t brave enough
whatever brings you serenity
stories of a fierce dictator
or surrendering your identity
and falling back into nature
whatever. it’s all just weaving
working the warp and the weft
I said we’d be back next evening
shook his hand warmly and left
neanderthal astronomer
official name? C/2022 E3 (ZTF)
some kinda comet registration I guess
more snappily known as The Green Comet
a crazy ball of ice or summat
high-tailing it outta the Oort cloud
every 50,000 years or thereabouts
FYI
the Oort cloud is a circle of icy crap
on the furthest edge of the solar map
well
I’m sorry
but
this particular neanderthal
can’t see any comets at all
as a put on my hoodie and beanie and go
freezing my Oorts off on the patio
scanning the skies without a hope
wishing I had a telescope
nadhim zahawi
(sung to the tune of Eleanor Rigby, with sincere apologies to Lennon & McCartney)
aah look at all the tory cronies
aah look at all the tory cronies
nadhim zahawi
picks up his tax with a lurch when the audit has been
big income streams
waits at the window
wearing the smile that he keeps in a jar by the door
for TV and more
all the tory cronies
where do they all come from
all the belusconis
where do they all belong
rich rishi sunak
practising gestures for questions that no one will hear
no one comes near
look at him working
wearing his sliders inside when there’s nobody there
selling his shares
all the tory cronies
where do they all come from
all the belusconis
where do they all belong
nadhim zahawi
lied to the house and was feted for playing the game
no sense of shame
rich rishi sunak
wiping the sleaze from his hands as he walks from the box
dreaming of stocks
all the tory cronies
where do they all come from
all the belusconis
where do they all belong
jim clayton 