horse trading

cut to: a classy black horse / galloping through the grass and the gorse / like some photogenic force / of advertising nature / a strangely mystical creature / its glassy black eyes a prominent feature

joined by hundreds just the same / racing and chasing and tossing their manes / down through the broody CGI rain / to a flat and shining shore / where the bleary townsfolk have been eerily drawn / by the mysterious power of these equine forms / and they laugh and commune and stroke the horses’ noses / (magically cancelling their debts, one supposes)

Lloyds, the banking bucking bronco / stabled in gables of whitewashed stucco / where the public bail out its muck-o / only to watch it go / cantering away without restraint / over the counter and out the gate / through the highways and sly ways of the banking system / (stampeding horses – you can’t have missed ‘em)


meek speak

blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth
wow! sincerely? I mean – really?
THE EARTH! / think what THAT’LL be worth

but just to get you up to speed / I think it depends what bible you read / meek can mean GENTLE / not quite so detrimental / as full-blown meekness / which is more like a worthy kind of weakness / where you worry more and say less / and your capacity for humility is boundless / where you suffer things slowly / in a lowly, holy kind of hopelessness / but forgive me father for I digress

so – yeah! THE EARTH! / awarded to the meekiest first / where the boastful are toast and finally come off worst / and the real stars shining that apocalyptic night / will be all those cheeky, meeky acolytes / who trusting that things would finally come right / met in secret most Wednesday nights / half past six / to maximise their meekiness

anyway / the other thing they sometimes say / the alternative interpretation / vis-à-vis meek world domination / is that EARTH means LAND / which still sounds pretty grand / till you understand / that the word LAND / is entirely metaphorical / not geographical / nowhere contactable / legally contractable / as in THE PROMISED LAND / a particularly smoky, hokey kind of brand / nowhere you can stoop & scoop up sand / and let it trickle through your hand / and say / hey! / this is great! / this was totally worth the wait / then stand up straight / and realise too late / the Promised Land was just a panacea / an angelic analgesia / a landowning fantasia / designed to keep the meek sweet / whilst the earth is surrendered to a supranational elite / who put a girdle round the EARTH three times a week / for lunch in Manhattan, cocktails in Mustique / with an absolutely darling view / of the ripped & ready crew / they specifically hired to be hot / on the shiny deck of their exclusive yacht / that politicians / personal physicians / corrupt police chiefs & tax magicians / can come and go on their own volition / but anyone who might put them on the spot / about such conspicuous wealth and how it was got / absolutely and most certainly can NOT
so anyway – be a good meek
turn the other cheek
pick up your paycheck end of the week
don’t forget the lord is thy shepherd
(and I like my caviar lightly peppered)

bad buttons

I was feeling pretty nice / sittin’ back with a glass n’a slice / shooting the shit with two cops from vice / over at Giacometti’s joint / hearing their viewpoint / on the new appointment / to the City Police Department / the cute argument / concerning this particular advancement / which I said we were somewhat against / due to certain derogatory comments / certain individuals had caused to commence / in certain city wide supplements / which certain other parties will not be at liberty to overlook / or certain other parties will be coming right off of the book / and threaded on a Coney Island fishing hook

so anyways / things were going great / we were busy cleaning the steamer clams from our plates / setting things straight / telling the waiter to wait / leave the bottle and fetch a crate / when who should crash in lookin’ all teary and anxious / like a pink tornado blown straight outta Kansas / but the Capo’s daughter / Cora / so fired up you couldn’t ignore her

so what am I gotta do? / hey Cora! I hollered You’ve thrown a shoe! / my cop friends laughed but then disappeared smartish / they could tell it was time to get outta there sharpish / hey kid! / I said / I’m jes’ goofin’ wi’cha / come over here’n I’ll order a pitcher / beer or wine or somepin’ sweet n’red / whatever, she said / fuck it / collapsing in the chair like a destringed puppet

so we sat / chewed the fat / talked ‘bout this n’ that / her papa’s state of apoplectic ruin / over how many balls a week she was doin’
it ‘ain’t my fault the dice are loaded / this fairytale shit’s just so outmoded
you seein’ anyone?
I was – my cousin buttons
buttons? I said / shaking my head / giving the table a slap / why that no good piece of crap / you know why they call him buttons I’m guessin’? / one little push and he signs the confession
I don’t know why you’re so down on the kid / she said / he’s done stuff you never did
like what I said, throwing back a shot / I’m pretty hot / tell me what this button kid’s got
well he’s kind and he’s funny / and he works for his money
is that right? / is that why he stays out all night? / how j’ya think he earns his salami? / runnin’ black ops for the Salvation Army?
anyway / PK / this is all academic / said Cora, cracking her neck / then tapping out another cigarette / he’s run off with this broad called Betsy / a pole-dancing yeti / from Pulaski Park, Poughkeepsie
have you told your papa yet? / I said / feelin’ the usual dread / I mean – everyone knows it / you hardly need me disclose it / the Capo has a temper and rarely shows it / but when he does he totally blows it / acting somewhat notorious / running around like a rhinosorious
no, she said / lookin’ the other way / I’m saving it up for his birthday

Lesson 3 from The New Bible of Absolutely Bloody Everything

LIII: And there shall descend upon us the Last Great Instagram / rendering through a series of divine filters / that the heavenly host of engineers didst graciously build for us / one final, shining / profile defining / End of Time line / when all the images the dead have taken / will instantly be downloaded upon their awakening / and they shalt hold them up proudly in their phalangeal hands / and stand / for one last panoramic shot / on the slowest & widest setting God has got / and he shalt say thanks a lot / that’ll get me some hits / one more for safety and then that’s it / and great shall be the tumult across the land / and many followers shall be lost / and many smartphones smartly tossed / from the boatman’s boat when the moat is crossed / when the boatman shall laugh / most hammily & uncannily from the pointy end of the craft / at the most photogenic moment / (these things are important)
so endeth lesson three
sad emoji

ghost sheet

  1. Ghosts are lost in a persistent, inter-dimensional, crystalline time-lattice, so please be patient.
  2. Ghosts are not in themselves a cause of creaky doors, but they cannot resist taking advantage. Treat accordingly.
  3. Ghost to Living ratio = 10:1. Libraries have the highest concentrations; abandoned hospitals the lowest.
  4. Fairground Ghost Trains are ghost-free; actual trains suffer from over-ghosting, especially at peak times.
  5. Ghosts are tormented by the idea of hats.
  6. Ghosts have no sense of irony, cliché, personal boundaries, social etiquette. Ghost clowns are even worse.
  7. Ghosts are confused by whisks, pastry cutters & pizza wheels, and have a morbid fear of sandwich tins, so tend to avoid the kitchen.
  8. Ghosts are fascinated by cats, interested in dogs, amused by spiders, patronising about birds, withering about fish.
  9. Ghosts can be frozen indefinitely, but need careful handling when thawing.
  10. Ghosts are, for the most part, high maintenance / low carbon
  11. Crucifixes are unsightly, candles a fire hazard, Holy Water makes the place damp and chalk pentagrams spoil an otherwise charmingly rustic floor. To keep your place ghost free, simply air thoroughly, cook pizza and wear a hat.


cinderella & the pumpkin kid

once upon a crime…

I was given a test / I hadda chaperone the Capo’s princess / but I have to confess / as princesses go she was one priceless mess / in distress / in dis dress / so frocked up you’d never guess / where the princess endses and the big pink dress commenses / I mean – sure, she was gorgeous & glamorous / fifteen kindsa fabulous / but I tink the problem was she was ravenous / because they told her not to eat for about a minute / so they might have a chance to squeeze her in it / but despite the lack of a meatball sub / a pint of coke and a fro-yo tub / there was still no doubt about it / shit / no way was this thing gonna fit /


so wha’d’ya gonna do? / the ditzy dame was through / givin’ it the big boo-hoo / a diva on a divan / sitting on her can / callin’ every goombah an also ran

then the carriages start to arrive / this pink-finned cadillac parks up outside / hooting its hooter / the chauffeur / a small time booster / name of Dylan the Rooster / on account of all the colourful suits and feathers / he wears in all kindsa weathers / and all the lay-lady-lays he likes / from Brooklyn Heights to the New Jersey turnpike / you bitches better get me ready / wails the princess sitting up, shakin’, unsteady / teary and bleary / her makeup all scary and smeary / of course says the maids / looking somewhat afraid / and I must confess / standing back from alla this? / I was too / I couldn’t see a way through / it’d take more than crystal pumps and a sequin shawl / to make this princess bell a’ the ball

but what could I do? / I’m strictly crew
I don’t got no fashion sense / the shoes I use are usually cement

so anyways / the maids / run around like mices / improvisin’ all kindsa clothing devices / and they forms a line to tighten the corset / and a’course it rips the moment they force it / spilling da princesses onto the flooring / where she rolls around roaring / then suddenly outs with this thing / a smart lil’ snub nose piece / she borrowed off her niece / and stuffed in the garter behind her knees / shooting whatever gets in her sights / paintings, statues, fancy lights / because this hotel pad’s pretty bling / or was till she shot up every damned thing / the mirror, the sofa / a taxidermy gopher / everything royally blown & plugged / with random slugs / the silver coffee jug / jumping & spattering / the chandelier shattering / dropping and scattering / till the princess is spent like the gun and knows it / violently throws it / sprawls face down on the bed / feathers flying up around her head / while I creeps slowly outta the closet / wondering how we gonna gets back the deposit

honey – it’s okay / I say / you don’t need to take on this way / the ball isn’t all it’s cracked up to be / the odds look pretty stacked to me / I tell ya what / why’n we go down the road for a spot? / jes’ you and me? / jeans and a T / treat’s on me / c’mon honey / forget the Rooster / he’ll get used ta’ / the idea / an’ disappear / when I make it clear / what needs to be happenin’ here

the princess comes round to my way of thinking / an hour later we’re in a dive bar drinking / throwing back shots and fistfuls of nuts / and we’re there till six when the bar finally shuts / and I take her back to the Capo’s palace in the heights / where he says did the ball work out alright / yeah she says papa it really did / an’ I owe it all to the Pumpkin Kid / and the Capo plants a kiss on my cheeks / says that’s the best news he got all week / there’s nothing means more than my princesses happinesses / fuggedaboutit I say with a grin / sleepily scratching my chin / but you want my advice? / hire yourself a couple more mice


incident on delta vega

cut to:

Delta Vega, planet of ice / that Kirk & Spock visited against advice / (Scottie has failed to beam them back twice)
they’re tied to a rock / bruised & shocked / up against the clock / shivering / acting tough but not delivering /
set phasers to defrost, says Kirk / with a smirk / just before a Drakoulia sets to work / with something like a giant spork / so totally brutally / that when Scottie / foul-mouthed and stroppily / checking his readings microscopically / chucks a handful of raw Trilithium / to jazz up his skanky tanks of Dilithium / and the transporter beams wail & warble / and the tractor beams treble & wobble / and the sliders redouble without any repetition of the earlier trouble / suddenly the transporter floor / is spattered with matter and assorted gore

the first lieutenant vomits into a bucket

fuck it, says Scottie / fetch us a mop / who’s next up for the captain’s job?