okay google

okay google / I’ve been clean, I’ve been tidy, I’ve been frugal / I’ve dived inside to realise my spirit guide and found his name is Dougal / (yeah – I was disappointed / I always thought I might be the anointed one / a priest of the sun king / or some thing / a tenth century brigand / or an OD’d rock n’roll legend / not some wall-eyed, flash drive, IT guy / who cashed his chips early and moved to Skye / pissed every night on Johnny Walkers / fell overboard & drowned instagramming orcas / but hey / apparently that’s the way / of these spirit world hosts / you can choose your friends but you sure as hell can’t choose your ghosts)

so – anyway – google / sorry to be so brutal / & blunt / such a feckless, graceless so & so / but frankly / y’know / I’m just so frazzled by your dazzling glow-show / all the things you think & know / it stuns my senses and lays me low / like a freakish man-baby in a baby-grow / big red J for Jim / lying on his back in the baby gym / waggling his limbs / at all the beautiful crap dangling down at him / I need help sorting this shit out / I have to know what I’m really about / google – search illumination, please / or halloumi-nation – the enlightened cheese / that will squeak the truth to me / because – O M Gee / I crave epiphany / like a deb craves anything by Tiffany / maybe what I need’s some seedy paleo regime / a viral meme / a deniable but viable revenue stream / a lifetime supply of anti-irony cream / cmon! / let me do your bidding / because who am I kidding? / I need your apps like crack / anything you’ve got to get me on track / to keep the wolves of self-doubt off my back / and before you object / to show my respect / I’m perfectly willing to click accept / when you ask about cookies before you connect / and although Dougal has started wailing & moaning / warning me to be circumspect / what the heck / it’s just personal data / like tossing a milkless goat into a volcano crater / a meaningless gesture / it’s what Caesar would call totalis no-brainium / until you wake up smoked like Herculaneum

I’m sorry, google / I’m in such a moodle / as morbid as a standard poodle / staring at his reflection in a puddle / finally seeing what they’ve been saying at last / that the time for pom-pom legs has passed / and I need to let go / and grow / and be strong / and run on / and be truly wild / like some howling, prowling, woolly wolf child / & sniff out my own, uniquely ME kind of hustle / like my best friend Jake (Jake? The jack russell?)

because did you know, google? / according to Dougal? / we’ve all been hexed / by that witch Alexa / do you accept it? / has he guessed it? / has the government really suppressed it? / or is it just some bullshit tweets / he swallowed last week / in that digital wasteland of lies and leaks / infested with catfish & sockpuppet geeks / where everyone’s an oracle and everyone speaks / at once, like the tower of babel / in the bible / chaotically indescribable / (not that I’ve ever read it / *snorts* / but I’m always careful to check my source / so I spent an exhaustive minute googling it, of course) / but hey – I’m suddenly feeling long & lean / drawn out in a dream / like I’m disintegrating into the screen / pixelatedly extreme / uploading so slow I could scream / okay google – I need a meme / a kitten swinging off a branch / paws above an avalanche / strapline : hang on in there mate…

okay google – thanks, that’s great

mail merge

mr & mrs dream reduction
mr & mrs standard complexion
mr & mrs do me down
mr & mrs London bound
mr & mrs simply wired
mr & mrs newly acquired
mr & mrs hyline hens
mr & mrs why ask again
mr & mrs hares a’boxin’
mr & mrs cytotoxin
mr & mrs backroom baying
mr & mrs slackline swaying
mr & mrs referendum disaster
mr & mrs cooperative disorder
mr & mrs haggle hassle
mr & mrs tattered tassel
mr & mrs wobble wattle
mr & mrs hot water bottle
mr & mrs go wash your face
mr & mrs go watch your space
mr & mrs reasonable open day
mr & mrs IVA
mr & mrs soubriquet
mr & mrs fixable synth
mr & mrs unoccupied plinth
mr & mrs bargain hunter
mr & mrs landscape gardenerIMG_0254
mr & mrs dry xylem
mr & mrs unexpected item
mr & mrs lazy leitmotiv
mr & mrs keith

genesis 2:7 II

And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground
(because the LG could see there was plenty around;
exactly what tools He used the bible doesn’t say
but I suppose He was just naturally good with clay)


He breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul
wasting no time at all
taking his toll
on all the other creatures
and complex eco-systemic features
spooling out behind him on the evolutionary scroll

thanks be to God

but hey

all this is a long-winded way to say
that out and about today
with Lola the dog
I came across a rotten log
that looked a bit like an apocalyptic serpent
about to swallow God’s starry firmament
(or would do if my f-stop was properly determinant )
and I thought – if I propped a little man up in the foreground, with a stick
it might give the picture an emotional kick
you know – a piquant focus –
poetic hocus pocus
like foregrounding a monstrous bulldozer with a crocus
so I looked around for something to use
(exactly like God, but in cagoule and shoes)
instead of the dust of the ground
all I found
was an old cow pat
enticingly dry and flat
so I thought I’d cut a man out of that
but the pat was too crumbly
my hands too cold & my fingers fumbly
and then the penknife
jackknifed, the blade snapped shut
and suddenly there was blood
dripping on the pat man and the mud
and I yelped, and dropped the knife,
and cursed this foolish, photographic life
wrapping a tissue round my thumb
swearing at the clumsy fucker I’d become
but wondering if the blood would animate
this hokey man of shit I’d tried to create
but no – he didn’t move a fibre
didn’t jump up, wave, run off or whatever
he just lay there looking like a sorry piece of crap
not at all the cute figure I needed for the snap
(and by the way, can I say right here?
the Lord God had the right idea
avoiding any similar conclusion
choosing breath of life over blood transfusion)IMG_0251

so I left my primitive pat man unpapped on the log
and staggered home howling after the dog
my attempt at creation a complete disaster
fuck that shit – all I need is a plaster

emmerich knows

this is not a rehearsal, sheeple / this is Operation Too Many People / Wanting Too Much Stuff / the bail bond version of The World is Not Enough / because at the end of the day / the cost is WAY more than unlimited texts / a fancy new handset / it’s about limited natural resource to share / it’s the wind in your thinning hair / it’s muddy waters and smoggy air / it’s that polar bear / there / wobbling by on what’s left of the Larsen B / C / or D / or whatever / sweating in the unseasonably balmy weather / underfed, indisposed / balancing on the last of the floes / to melt beneath its hairy toes / watching as you pose with your extended family / at the end of a selfie stick / instagram slick & super quick / on the luxury deck / of the good ship Charlie Darwin / saying everything’s charming, charming / & wondering why attenborough was quite so alarming / but you only give it three stars on Trip Advisor / because you’re three thousand down and none the wiser / the weather was shit / you were sea sick / the dramamine didn’t take care of it / but anyway / hey / you’re basically okay / you’re an optimist at heart / I mean – where do you start? / nothing’s impossible / you’ve just got to be philosophical / it’s not as if none of this happened before / I mean – look at the dinosaurs / the original baby boomers / you can’t tell me they weren’t big consumers / admittedly mostly ferns and cones / in the more temperate zones / supersize meat eaters / on a scale / that would make whittingstall pale / running helter skelter / through muddy swamps and river deltas / leaping pronto back of a brontoburger / with a side order of allosaur / volcanoes and asteroids permitting / I mean – c’mon – they never thought of quitting / moaning about how hot it was getting / no – they clacked their jaws / and waggled their claws / and let dinosaurs be dinosaurs / I mean – when all’s said and done / the earth was always going to fall into the sun / so why not relax and have a little fun? / did you ever see that film from the 1950s / (bear with me on this, please) / the Incredible Shrinking Man? / I think / anyway / basically / it’s about this guy who shrinks – A LOT / because he sunbathes on his yacht / through a cloud of radiation / and without any explanation / finds his clothes are too loose / till he ends up sneaking around in a doll’s house / playing cat and mouse / with a cat / (true dat) / reducing in increasingly tiny increments / cleverly utilising household implements / until he ends up in a fight to the death / with a spider on a window ledge / on the prowl for spider snacks / but he catches it good in the cephalothorax / with a sewing needle / covering our resourceful indiveedle / in acky spider goo / but when it’s eat or be eaten, what d’you do? / then he walks outside through a vent / looks up at the starry firmament / and thinks about his existential position / in light of his chronically minimising condition / and he says: ‘The unbelievably small and the unbelievably vast eventually meet, like the closing of a gigantic circle’ / (or that’s what he says according to google)

anyway, point is

films will always have something to say about this shit / take roland emmerich / cgi king of apocalyptic schtick / he predicted all this / with a cute, self-cleansing, Gaia kind of twist / (mark my words – we’ll be quoting from him / in years to come when the news is grim / already do – to give it some context / look at Chicago and the polar vortex)

for instance – my favourite scene from his oeuvre? / (a small thing, true but it hits a nerve):

Ian Holm is giving the team some broody looks / then he pulls some whiskey from out behind a bunch of science books / and you know exactly what adrian lester’s thinking / can this really be the last shit I’ll ever be drinking? / while / miles away / on that apocalyptic day / after tomorrow / on the way / to Balmoral / a fleet of royal helicopters start popping & dropping / rotor blades stopping / the pilots so many helmeted icicles / airworthy as a frozen bicycle / while inside, unseen / poor Elizabeth, our very own snow queen / is suddenly just so much royal frosting / illustrating what climate change was really costing

because trust me – EMMERICH KNOWS / how the world is only just so / until uh-oh / where’d it all go? / the greenland ice sheet & the Tibetan plateau / the indus & the ganges / vanisheees / c02 & methane exponential / rains torrential / wildfires residential / territorial & water wars potential / while the politicians & presidents / & sundry other residents / get it too late / why attenborough was so awesomely great / why he’d shake his head and close his eyes so sadly / and talk about how we were fucking things up so badly

but – my bad / there’s always comfort to be had / in blinkered denial / waving our hats rodeo style / as we ride flaming into the chasm / on the poor earth’s dying spasm / this shrink-wrapped, oil-tapped, carbon clapped / flaming cinder we called home / it’ll be alright – now leave me alone


jurassic pork

ladies & gentlemen / if I could have your attention / first of all, apologies for the heavy security regimen / but as you can see we’re a pretty serious bunch / and anyway, I’ve got what you might call a hunch / that when it comes to the crunch / you’d rather not end up some other fucker’s lunch / so – hands inside the car at all times please / whilst I run you out to the compound beyond the trees / the first stop on our little tour today / so when y’all ready back there? well, then – okay!

the park was opened two thousand and sixty / the world’s first megafauna facility / comprising five artificial islands of stunning complexity / viable biodomes of staggering convexity / where DNA diversity / is pursued with seismic scientific activity / and detailed dexterity / facilitating  productivity / resistance to adversity / and of course the biggest prize / sheer motherfucking SIZE! / I know, I know – that’s a lot to swallow / are y’all managing to follow? / good / I thought you would / now – if you just shield your eyes from the glare / there! that’s BD 1 / that’s where all the fun / begun / back when we started having all that trouble with the sun / and it looked like the human race was – well – run / but I don’t need to tell you good folks that / I’m sure y’all got the t-shirt ‘n the lead-lined hat …

[radio suddenly squawking / someone frantically talking]
what the fuck?
[he stops the truck]

just a minute folks / whyn’cha pass round the smokes / whilst I talk to my ol’ pal Pablo / used to ride in the rodeo / y’know / but the silly ol’ so-and-so / he gets a bit twitchy / jes ‘cos the electric fence can be glitchy / so please excuse me, woncha? / we’ll soon be back on our wild adventure

Hey there, Pablo? / Wha’d’ya know? / Como estas? / Quiero respuestas no preguntas! / Okay. Uh-hum. I see. No shit! / Call out the choppers and we’ll make a run for it….

Ladies and Gentlemen! / can I have your attention again? / Could I ask y’all to buckle up / while I jes’ swing around and head back to the lockup / please ignore / the roaring / and the meaty rumble up through the flooring / it’s nothing to worry about / jes’ a few of the stock got out / but you’re perfectly safe in this lil’ ol’ car / and remember, objects in the mirror look closer than they are

going viral

not alive, you said
but then – not exactly dead
& once they’ve duped those host receptors
to replicate their DNA vectors
they’ll ride you like a pony in a penny arcade
till you’re busted, broke and laid away
so – to me – I have to say with some insistence
that qualifies for some kinda existence
and another thing
just because I don’t got wings
don’t mean I can’t fly
the trick is knowing when to specialise
listen! a virus can drift through space
settle in some godforsaken place
wait for you to land and step out the rocket
take your hands from out your pocket
pull up your visor and sniff the air
and bang – they’ll get right up in there
and the next thing you know you’re back on the station
blabbering on in isolation
true story
so I’m sorry, people, but I have to disagree
viruses are very much alive it seems to me
and just because they don’t got no evolutionary fuss
hell – all it means is they’re cleverer than usimg_0183