poems

replacement bus service

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

sorry if this is a horrible surprise
but there’s really no such thing as SUNRISE
objects in space have no up or down
they just troll around
the void
devoid
of direction
their only connection
with Earth
a gravitational line for what it’s worth

it’s not even called THE SUN
it’s just a ball of plasma that runs till it’s done
like that light you keep at the top of the stairs
so when you wake up at night you don’t feel scared

to summarise
re sunrise:
all directions are equivalent
(Newton had theories but remained ambivalent)
I mean – is the universe isotropic?
(hot topic)
does it have uniformity in all orientations?
or is it changeable in some situations?
is the CMB dipole purely kinematic, or does it signal anisotropy of the universe, resulting in the breakdown of the FLRW metric and the cosmological principle?
(I can tell by your frown you’re not convincible
but of course I didn’t KNOW all that
as a matter of fact
it couldn’t be easier
I copied it straight from wikipedia)

Anyway – it’s five o’clock – am I awake? – you betcha
there aren’t any taxis so I’m coming to getcha

Macmoff

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

(Darkness. GRAND MOFF TARKIN walks on, brooding, intense. A spotlight snaps on. He looks out into the audience, and begins his monologue)

If it it were gone when ’tis gone, then ’twere well
It were gone quickly: if this planetary erasure
Could sweep up the field of debris, and net
In one deft swoop, success; one detonation
And ’tis done, and dusted, here
Upon this safe and orbital moment,
We’d punch the button. But in these cases
We still have judgement: and th’Imperial Edict,
Being receiv’d, turns upon itself,
And tempts us to touch another button
A big red one, marked
WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT TOUCH
A button I’m drawn to overmuch
On these long and lonely travails
Through rebel infested sectors;
Hath cause to make me overthink
And talk to myself like this a lot
Truly hath this planet need of my help
First, as the greater intelligence
Who perforce shoulds’t know better
Than to simply shrug and zap the equator;
Then, as protector, who shoulds’t provide
Th’inhabitants with Superlaser Deflectors
Not bear the Superlaser myself
This planet hath borne its faculties so prettily
A lush miscellany of cones and ferns
That were wont to set the CGI beasts at a roar
Verily this chorus shoulds’t plead like jurors
‘Gainst the unfair ferocity of their erasure;
And pity, like a ghastly Ewok
Inadvisably introduced in Episode Six
Striding the blast on a dumb ass glider,
Horsed upon George’s drear imagination;
Blowing the horrid deed in every nerd’s eye,
That tears shall blur their spectacles.
I have no spur but a talent for cruelty
Tight boots and tunics, all gains’t a background
Of underwhelming underlings
Stormtroopers who don’t seem to know
Their articulated arse from their blaster

Oh, well. Whatever

(Destroys Alderaan)

torch song

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

(Scene: an arid plain in what used to be Egypt. THE ALIEN wanders on, wearing a protective suit and respirator that looks like a pharaoh’s headdress. Checks the atmosphere with a wrist gadget, then tentatively takes the headdress off. Crouches, takes a handful of sand, and watches it play through the fingers of their glove as sad music starts to play)

INTRO: What can you say / when your love’s gone away / and the only thing left is a memory? / where do you go / when the love you used to know / has been burned up by nuclear weaponry? / you made your choices – that’s understood / we had our moment and the moment was good / but now that we’re here and the planet’s baked clay / I’ve stopped by / for a while / just to say …

I’ve … been …

… here all along
with science and song
and loved you fulfilling yourselves
you were clever enough
but it was never enough
to keep you from killing yourselves
I guess I should’ve known
the project was blown
when you used my knowledge for ill
my tech getting weaponised
I’d never have recognised
the madness inside you, but still
we had such a time
as I brought you on line
to civilisation from primordial slime
now it’s such a damned shame
you’ve gone up in flames
your beautiful planet
a scorched pomegranate…

(THE ALIEN breaks down, wipes away a tear. Eventually recovers itself to continue)

so … this … is … the …

hardest of divorces
of course it’s
quite true
and the problem
we’d gotten
was always me
not you
I thought you’d be cool
with my alien tools
I brought you in BCE 3202

and those pyramids
we did
so the spaceships were hid
were funny as hell
and the codes as well
cute and absurd
all those beetles and birds

but the cones got blown up
and the grown-ups
flew doughnuts
and the whole world went so nuts
and smoked the place overnight

as I watched from Andromeda
the dreadful phenomena
and couldn’t believe
the feed from my thermometer

but…

What can you say / when your love’s gone away / and the only thing left is a memory? / where do you go / when the love you used to know / has been burned up by nuclear weaponry?

(Somewhere an alarm starts to sound. THE ALIEN takes one sad look around, then hurries off)

what i did in the holidays

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

(A classful of young aliens. The teacher asks one of them to stand up and read out their essay: ‘What I did in the holidays’)

I voted for beach
but mum wanted to teach
the satellites, moons n’ planets
so me n’Harvey
jumped in the Star V
and really I just couldn’t stand it

she set the computer
for Europa, Jupiter
‘cos she thought we might like to snowboard
but the place was deserted
ice geysers spurted
and honestly I was just SOO bored

so we shot off to Mars
which was TRULY bizarre
and we parked by a thermal vent
no LOLS or shocks
just a bunch of old rocks
Harvey said some kinda punishment

but his little face brightened
when mum mentioned Titan
‘cos he thought it sounded quite whack
it was ice and ammonia
mum got pneumonia
and the methane cakes were just GAK

so we landed on Earth
and for what it’s worth?
the place was quite bougie and sick
but the natives went crazy
with armies and navies
and we had to take off pretty quick

as we headed for home
I was straight on the phone
to my friends back on Gliese 581g
if your parents should flip
and mention a trip
say fine but go without me

aalliss through the nothing glass

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

(Aalliss is in the control room, her tentacles up on the dash, suckering through an ancient copy of Through the Looking Glass. Eventually she stretches, walks into the spotlight, centre stage, and sings)

fifteen millennia
sheesh – I’m tellin’ ya
it’s enough to make a Jabberwocky cringe
the thing about space
is the vibe’s not great
and the boredom makes you unhinged
we’ve been trolling the system
for signs of wisdom
sampling a world or two
but the hours are shit
and I really must quit
but what’s a Schnordrian to do?
last week we landed
on this bougie ol’ planet
run by a thing called a human
they appear to have brains
but the fact remains
their sanity’s just an illusion
so we snitched a few books
and I’ve taken a look
and one or two made me chuckle
like this thing called a bible
which is just homicidal
beards seem nothing but trouble

I like this one best
by a writer obsessed
with riddles, rhymes and conundrums
like he sat down to write
with a needle and pipe
and a sherry glass topped up with laudanum
for kids of course
it’s a sequel of sorts
to that one about Wonderland
it’s full of cool quotes
from sheep in boats
and Queens you can’t understand
I have to admit
my favourite bit
is this poem about a monster
I said to the crew
let me do it for you
but unfortunately nobody wants ta

well – screw them:

’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe…’

(Suddenly an alarm sounds and the dash starts flashing: Warning! Black Hole! Warning! Black Hole! Aalliss hurries back to the console, smacks buttons and levers; nothing works. Eventually she shrugs, shuffles back into the spotlight)

the red king
the red king
he’s dreaming of me
if he leaves off dreaming
where will I be

(Aalliss holds out her tentacles and looks at them speculatively)

the time has come
the walrus said
to speak of many things
of shoes and ships and sealing wax
of cabbages and kings

every single thing’s crooked!
I’m all over pins!
what’ll become of my name when I go in?

alice!
please!
wait for me

I’m through the mirror
CONTRARIWISE!

(the spotlight snaps off)

why – it takes all the running I can do just to keep in the same place

invasion of the rap snatchers

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

(aliens have been monitoring our broadcasts for years; when they land they put on a rap show)

yeah
uh uh
yeah

put yer whips down, maybe I’ll tell ya / ’bout a gang of sweet thangs straight outta Kepla / cooler than Rihanna / her um-ber-ella / while we freestyle ET acapella / covered in glory / heat shields, freak shields, end of story / here to advance yer ass, here to get naughty / with the TV reporters / who caught us / sneakin’ around in the spooky forest / smokin’ fresh down, jes’ west of Taurus / all kindsa noise / from them alien boys / with the sharpest rhymes & the sickest toys

‘cos we’re XenoMOBO not Xenomorph
invadin’ aliens takin’ the pressure off
it’s a crazy fly-by world out there
so listen up Earth and bow yo head
uh
uh

STOP!
second verse

with a lightyear intro, unrehearsed / out across the universe / fly drive stylin’ / Rigel beguiling / ripped like Vikings / tentacle styling / popping and locking, charisma spiking / hubcap sighting / very very frightening / comin’ right atcha / with our signal beats n’ heat ray captcha / so scary you’ll fracture / matter of fact ya / better brace for entertainment, brace fer rapture / imminent impact / our saucer’s real stack’d / crystal tipped n’ laser packed / Starship Enterprise shit like that

jes messin’

I know ya like yer aliens bad n’distressin’ / all power claws n’power dressin’ / not this interstellar rap / where the tentacles pump and the bass line slaps / humans – relax! / we’re here to dance not dominate ya / discriminate, eliminate or assimilate ya / it’s a musical mission / the cool transmission / of our extravehicular Dre division / ya know? check our words and our vibes / songs from the tribes / rapping out our holy solar lives / some ways south o’the deep Pharcyde / the best side / blessed side / a parsec outta Alpha Centauri

‘cos we’re XenoMOBO not Xenomorph
invadin’ aliens takin’ the pressure off
it’s a crazy fly-by world out there
so listen up Earth and bow yo head
uh
uh

c’mon take a trip up into the Pleiades / for mega beats and creature monstrosities / all ya Stephen Hawking an’ Eminem wannabes / come sip on our goop / while we hang on the stoop / talkin’ like Jay Z, smokin’ like Snoop / back of a freighter in a battle group / so come take my claw while you’re shakin’ in front of me / be the alien you always thought you wannabe / don’t take no shit / from the crowd in the pit / they’re jealous of you and I’m proud of it / cos’ we brighter than stars, bigger than action / war of the words for your satisfaction / our mega martian mix, the main attraction / carpe diem, man – carpe sapien / doin’ it realtime, 80 BPM

‘cos we’re XenoMOBO not Xenomorph
invadin’ aliens takin’ the pressure off
it’s a crazy fly-by world out there
so listen up Earth and bow yo head
uh
uh

allow it