spooked
poems
seven bins sunak speaks to the nation
so after careful consideration
I present to the nation
those policies no longer for implementation:
a tax on condiments, especially ketchup
the legal obligation to go to a costume party and dress up
like an astronaut, or alternatively, Fred Astaire
a tax on old bears
especially those in such a state of poor repair
their freakish and lopsided expressions frankly scare
a tax on stairs
or any stair-related products
a tax on terrible twins (aka Castor & Pollux)
a tax on molluscs
funding to fix the nation’s gut biome
funding to help kids build homes
for rabbits, hamsters or gerbils
extra taxation on vexatious and unreliastic commercials
particularly washing powder and cars
a tax on Mars bars
a tax on large jars
impossible to open without spilling
a tax on cheese grilling
or any late-night, snack-related activity
restrictions on the use of radioactivity
for home lighting
any obligation to watch WWF fighting
and groan
any obligation to pick up a banana and pretend it is a phone
no to pant laws
specifying how many old pairs you can keep in your drawers
without acknowledging the many and egregious holes in the gussets
and I’m sorry but we refuse any calls to discuss this
further
no tax on Werther’s
Originals
no tax on words with more than three syllables
no tax on invisibles
(such as ghosts)
and finally it’s a NO to a tax on toast
as you can see we are a serious government
utilising powers of great insight and judgement
guiding this country through choppy waters
(honestly, spads, it’s like lambs to the slaughter)
when and where I left it
I built a time machine
left it on a bench
in 1917
bottom of a trench
the next worked fine
sweetly constructed
lost in 79
when Vesuvius erupted
improved version three
I left in the brig
of an interplanetary
mining ship
four’s long gone
wrapped in a liner
when Genghis Khan
invaded China
it’s always the same
my invention’s hot
it’s just a shame
my memory’s not
the app
this traffic app’s crap
whoever’s the developer needs a slap
you may as well give up and use a map
a dusty one from the middle ages
that runs to fifty crusty pages
marked in places here be dragons
take a right for plague and flagons
following the sun south by southwest
the roads are for horses so do your best
I must’ve been crazy
but I used one called Waze
and I don’t want to trouble you
but if you flip the W
you get Maze
which pretty much covers the tricks it plays
I mean come on
all I wanted was the M1
that’s not a hard one
the traffic spine of the country
that furred up artery
of anaemic carpuscles on endless car journeys
road rage, end stage, exhaust pipe particulates
driving it the equivalent
of de-threading a prawn
with Leeds the tail and the head good ol’ Londawn
basically the country’s alimentary tract
full of shit and that’s a fact
I asked Maze to take me there
Maze said what … THE M1…? you SURE?
I said yeah
I was prepared
antideps: check
bottle o’water: yep
I’d signed the waiver
accepting all blame for my crazy behaviour
ready to join at junction 10
vanish and never be seen again
happy daze
so anywaze
off I went
next thing I knew I was lost in Ghent
apparently
a port city
in north west Belgium
I said hmm
Maze?
you’re crazy
you couldn’t be further off the track
turn us around and take me back
five minutes later I’m at the Colosseum, Rome
80 CE the date that’s shown
the crowd are furious
but not a little curious
to see a guy in a Skoda Yeti
tooting his horn at a gladiator with a machete
I screamed Maze? this is incredible!
your orientation’s TERRIBLE
take me back to where we started
so suddenly it’s 360 million years ago
and I’m flippering my way out of a swamp, so you know
I’m texting you now to say I’ll be late
and if you could give the dog his tea that’d be great
the promotion
dad appeared again last night
(I know, what are the chances, right?
all those years so buttoned up;
now he’s dead he won’t shut up)
this time was different
this time he was magnificent
in a tailored suit and fedora hat
a silver-topped cane and oxford spats
whaaaaat? I said
sitting up in bed
Alright, son? said dad
politely tipping the brim of his hat
grinning broadly from here to here
or those hollows where he once had ears
son? he said, looking around
then hanging his hat with my dressing gown
this is the last time I’ll be able to visit
though I hope you know I’m with you in spirit
the heavenly council have met and voted
and hey presto I’ve been promoted
that’s good – I think – I said, confused
unsure about the terms he used
promoted? really? from what to what?
hopefully not to anywhere hot…
nothing like that, he said; don’t worry
you shouldn’t think of death so terminally
it’s more a progression of altered states
and the clothes fit better and you don’t pay rates
all you gotta do is keep your nose clean
(which I have to admit is a tricky routine)
and eventually you get your reward
and a clothing allowance from the lord
so what are your duties? I hope it’s okay
you look a bit gangstery today
personal preference; I like to be sharp
though I wouldn’t go quite as far as a harp
my job description’s pretty whack
I don’t do much and they pay me a stack
all I do is witness god’s wonders
basically there to make up numbers
all things considered it’s easy work
and pretty good going for a printer’s clerk
what wonders? I said, the planet’s a mess
well let’s just say it’s a work in progress
things have always been in a state
but I didn’t come here for religious debate
it’s just that after a period of reflection
I regret not showing you more affection
it wasn’t that I didn’t feel it
it’s just I was brought up to conceal it
so – that’s it – that’s all I wanted you to know
and he reached for his hat and turned to go
and stood forlornly on the rug
so I jumped out of bed and gave him a hug
(which felt a bit awkward, but .. you know
as I gazed up into his empty sockets
and he took his phalanges out of his pockets
and returned the squeeze, and we stayed there a while
till he vanished in characteristic style
and I said to the air I knew that of course
now rest in peace you funny old corpse
ET phones it in
Mexican senators probe UFOs!
why the hell Mexico, nobody knows
any excuse to use fancy hotels
easier than dealing with drug cartels
please hold II
thank you for your call
we are currently experiencing high demand
and it might be better to call back
at another time
alternatively
have you tried divination?
there’s a mountain I’ve heard tell
a cold, faraway place
accessible only by foot
or hardy llama
a monastery there
rickety on a crag
where legend has it
every blood moon
the holy ones stand naked
upon the ramparts
offering their monkish tears
to the Tinea:
giant, moth-like entities
wings shimmering
like silver shrouds
who flap around their pates
uncoiling their proboscises
to sup upon the salty blubber
and thus sated
and the shivering monks
amusingly agitated
grant a singular vision
to the eldest amongst them
who hath done the course
within the last twelve months
and hath a certificate
so
ask them
they might know
dinosaurs are go!
dinosaurs are go!
how they got here
I don’t know
but they’re swapping the swamps
for big city romps
neon sign dining
and downtown chomps
ain’t it just like T Rex
to pose and flex
before it wrecks
the shopping mall and the multiplex?
just listen to the roars
of Pterosaur
as it pterosoars
then pturns to pterrify
the ptraders on the ptrading floor
and heaven help those puny cops
in the armoured car that bangs and pops
as it runs up on sirens and fatally stops
by Ankylosaurus and Triceratops
the channel news helicopter
going for the wow factor
acts as distractor
for Velociraptor
while palaeontologists
are pilloried as apologists
by rancorous news anchors
and columnists
then … everything falls quiet
TOO quiet
nobody expected anything like it
the dinosaurs
resorting
to a more lawful diet
ten years later
everything’s straighter
Allosaurus working as elevator
Apple signed up with Baryonyx
to model hot brands of mobile phonics
Kimmel makes a fuss
with Parasaurolophus
saying Hey man it’s Paris for all of us
DJ Archaeopteryx
has feathers in the mix
with Aaron Dessner and Taylor Swift
but a dawn will break in the big city swelter
when they wake to the sun on the old river delta
and rising as one they’ll shiver their tails
to sweep all the people over the rails
those audacious, cretaceous, reptilian heirs
reclaiming a world that once was theirs
please hold
thank you for your call
we are currently experiencing high demand
and there may be a delay
connecting to one of our customer service representatives
alternatively
why not try visiting our website?
augury
chuck sticks in the air
see how they land
sleep awhile
with an uncut bible
for a pillow
and when you awake
write your dreams
on a true, flat stone
and skip
over standing water
you should not have called us today my friend
we are in your fingers now
your synapses
that laughing?
that’s you, that is
please hold
for the next available
necromancer
you are number…less
in the void
last night of the tories
SOLO
Dear Land of Dopes, by Dopes art crowned
There’s so much I don’t get
Those Corpr’ate brows, their greed unbound
Once more there’s nothing left
These feudal laws, by Brexit gained
Shall whip thee well and long;
By Sun and Mail the lie maintained,
The country sold for a song
CHORUS
Land of Hopeless Tories, Smothering the Free
How shall we console thee, who are mourning thee?
Tighter still and tighter shall thy chains be set
Whoever made this god awful mess should be made to clear it up
Whoever made this god awful mess should be made to clear it up
jim clayton 