poems

the martians and the jupitans

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

you wouldn’t need
a psychiatry degree
to see
Jem’s psychotic
his voice hypnotic
his face a dramatic
mask of tragedy
fixed in calamity
his bald head shiny
his thick-lensed glasses thumbed and grimy
standing in the sitting room declaiming evil
a world of terror committed by people
with almond eyes, lifeless hands
the martians and the jupitans

they’ve taken over the army
the government, the political parties
they’re trying to stop me
with pills the evil doctor got me
but I won’t rest till they’re killed
and the pits are filled
with them evil, EVIL
martians and jupitans
y’understand?

they come down years ago
you know?
crazy but true
see these tattoos?
thas’ what they use
to control all men
I should never NEVER a’had them
I were jes a kid
it’s evil EVIL what they did

Emmerdale, EastEnders, Coronation Street
ah’m a big soap fan
it works a treat
makes life survivable and sweet
the only thing that works
while they’re out there making plans
the martians and the jupitans

no trespassin that means YOU

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

they say we’re headin’
for insectageddon
climates
us primates
‘ll soon be regrettin’
well if them’s the breaks
ah’ve done what it takes
ta ride the riots n’tides n’quakes
ma’ gates triple lock’d
ma’ driveway block’d
nuff cans
in the stands
to suit all demands
bios and sutures
whatever the futures
I’m done with yer politics
thu hell with apocalypse
but ah sh’ain’t debate ya
I sure ain’t ya saviour
I don’ give two shits
fer no smart behaviour
jes’ turn around tonto
quit mah land pronto
git where’ver the shit yah git to
together we fall, divided we stand
that’s the road, this is my land
y’uner’stan?
so les’ end the conversation
’bout god’s goddam creation
I’m plum outta patience
yer under surveillance
my boys are ready ta count ta ten
y’all take yer chances after then

enormous big horror spiders from mars or wherever

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

Dan, a hanger-left-in-the-jacket type
stands at the console gnawing his pipe
sighs, jangling the change in his pockets
watching the scientists prep the rockets

‘General – it’s almost half past eight!
‘If we don’t act now we’ll be too late!’
‘Damn it, Dan! We’re doing our best!
‘If you can do better, man – be my guest!’

‘Fine!’ says Dan, grabbing his fedora
‘Arrivederci signore, signora’
Cut to: Dan strapped in a seat
waxing his hair to keep it neat

His fiance Janet looks in to say
he’s the smartest fool in the USA
they smooch a while and smoke cigars
five minutes later they’re landing on Mars

they climb down the ladder, just her n’him
(someone plays a theremin)
suddenly Janet bites her knuckle
hears a spidery kinda chuckle

her perfectly made-up blue eyes widen
Martian spiders on the horizon!
she falls to the ground; Dan tries to raise her
nerfs at the bugs with a bougie laser

nothing works; they just keep comin’
clackers smackin’, feelers drummin’
Janet says hold me, Dan just grimaces
‘Let’s get married with spiders as witnesses’

the spiders prime their spinnerets
snap their jaws like castanets
snack on the duo then turn their antenna
on the screaming people in the cinemma

ripping up seats, crunching metals
tossing the audience back like pretzels
stomp outside through the screams and honks
munching Manhattan, Long Island, The Bronx

Montanna, Idaho, Massachusetts
with a hyperactive mass of chew sets
Canada, Ireland, Mozambique
a world-beating smorgasbord, so to speakants

then with everything horribly shook up
they stop where they are and suddenly look up
see you reading this poem there
and

teamwork makes the dream work

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

look – to be honest
this is heaven sent
it is what it is
one hundred and ten percent

think outside the box, mate
dare to dream n’hope
but don’t drink the kool aid
push the envelope

move fast, smash things
and FYI
the fat lady sings
with the KPIs

let’s stick a pin in that
I lack the bandwidth
I need next level, ASAP
paradigm shift

think A grade advertainment
open kimono
maximum engagement
ducks in a row

top line heuristic?
best in show
balls-in ballistic
clock watching hard no

let’s run it up the flagpole
see who salutes
play whack-a-mole
with the low hanging fruits

hit the ground running
all hands on deck
the cavalry isn’t coming
with all due respect

at the end of the day
you’ve earned your chops
but it’s my way or the highway
so call the cops

the NEW new version

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

4: When they reached the tomb / boom! / open wide! / the boulder-themed door had been rolled aside! / I mean – how the hell would you shift such a rock / without some tackle and a pickup truck? / and despite being very sore afraid / of the tracks in the sand the door had made / they silently sandalled their way inside / and then out they cried / for instead of the corpse of their former chief / an angel sat smiling with perfect teeth / who didst simper and wave / raising his perfect eyebrows to say / hey! / it’s okay / the guy you saw crucified on the cross / has gone upstairs to meet the boss / so don’t just stand in the sand full of doubt / do a neat little turnabout / get yourselves off to Galilee / because I’m telling you very happily / you’ll find him somewhere in that locality

5: Grumbling and mumbling / about arch angels with attitude or something / they spun on their sandals and quickly fled / filled with confusion and all kindsa dread / ditching the uber and hitching instead

6: Mary told the others she’d seen Him / when He dropped by her house to drive out a demon / they gave her a look like yep….oh…kaay / are you SURE you’ve had your meds today?

7: A disciple saw Him out in the country / but decorum aside and putting it bluntly / when it came to issues of resurrection / he wasn’t the sharpest beard in the collection

8: Later, He appeared to them in the cafe / and maketh them blow the froth from their latte / and He rebuked them for their lack of trust / how their beardy theories made Him feel crushed / and verily the disciples were cowed and hushed / for they’d never seen Him quite this flushed

9: And He said to them: drop those cinnamon twirls / and get thee in haste out into the world / and preach the word to any who’ll listen / because if you think this is easy let me tell thee it isn’t / and in My name shall you pick up snakes! / and do whatever the heck it takes / to impress upon the population / the messianic situation

10: And straightaway He didst rise to God / and sit Himself down with a sigh and a nod / saying whaddya have to DO with those guys? / I thought resurrection would be a big surprise / but they sit there gabbling like braindead oiks / and God sayeth son please lower thy voice

11: And the disciples went out and spread the word / and preached the miracle that had occurred / and judging by all the churches and bells / you’d have to think they did pretty well

common idioms (revised)

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

he who laughs last
laughs worryingly fast

you’re skating on thin ice
climate change – nice

let sleeping dogs lie
unless they’re on Inflacam and basically high

the elephant in the room
when you’ve told them it’s only dogs you groom

catch more flies with honey than vinegar
no wonder the neighbours think you’re sinister

you heard it straight from the horse’s mouth
but didn’t have a clue what he was on about

it’s not rocket science
see your course supervisor for further guidance

you’re the apple of my eye
but I’m a gardener not an ophthalmologist, FYI

take everything with a pinch of salt
high blood pressure comes as default

have a monkey on your back
when you went IN to monkey world with a rucksack

barking up the wrong tree
anger management classes start on Monday

plenty more fish in the sea
not for much longer unfortunately

cold hands
no gloves

wild about swimming

~ jim clayton ~ Leave a comment

quit the histrionics
get back to your red tops, your weekend comics
this is business, dummies – basic economics
you take the shit we line our pockets
profits equals juicy deposits
and for future reference?
our stated preference
is always affluence over effluence
and – sorry to interrupt ya
simply put we’ve mugged ya
in plain sight
okay snowflake is that alright?
and if not you know where you can stick your pipes
straight up the arse of our sharp city pinstripes
so we can shit whenever, wherever we like
directly in the lakes and rivers and seas
in quite extraordinary quantities

it’s the dumpster definition of zero-sum
the piece de l’excrescence, la creme de la scum
the shitty hand on the golden pump
the bottom line, the boardroom rump
good for the margins, bad for the tum
yaddah yaddah our kingdom come
our profits be served, our will be done
in business not in health
in sickness and in wealth
forever in fever
ah men
(mindful of our margin percent)
what the eye doesn’t see the arse doesn’t grieve over
if the smell’s too bad just put your sleeve over
your nose
we propose
because accountants disclose
when treatments declined our profits rose
so we permanently diverted the overflows
it’s just the way the storm drain goes
(why you put up with it god ONLY knows)

whaddya mean you can’t paddle or snorkel?
you’re worried about eels, barbels and turtles?
death when you take a gobful and gurgle?
REALLY, Feargal?
let me help you square that circle:
profits good, spending bad
and if I’ve helped you just a little, I’m glad
now run along back to the 1980s – that’s super
and if you must swim carry a pooper scooper