alien invasion

(aliens have been monitoring our broadcasts for years; when they land they put on a rap show)

yeah
uh uh
yeah

put yer whips down, maybe I’ll tell ya / ’bout a gang of sweet thangs straight outta Kepla / cooler than Rihanna / her um-ber-ella / while we freestyle ET acapella / covered in glory / heat shields, freak shields, end of story / here to advance yer ass, here to get naughty / with the TV reporters / who caught us / sneakin’ around in the spooky forest / smokin’ fresh down, jes’ west of Taurus / all kindsa noise / from them alien boys / with the sharpest rhymes & the sickest toys

‘cos we’re XenoMOBO not Xenomorph
invadin’ aliens takin’ the pressure off
it’s a crazy fly-by world out there
so listen up Earth and bow yo head
uh
uh

STOP!
second verse

with a lightyear intro, unrehearsed / out across the universe / fly drive stylin’ / Rigel beguiling / ripped like Vikings / tentacle styling / popping and locking, charisma spiking / hubcap sighting / very very frightening / comin’ right atcha / with our signal beats n’ heat ray captcha / so scary you’ll fracture / matter of fact ya / better brace for entertainment, brace fer rapture / imminent impact / our saucer’s real stack’d / crystal tipped n’ laser packed / Starship Enterprise shit like that

jes messin’

I know ya like yer aliens bad n’distressin’ / all power claws n’power dressin’ / not this interstellar rap / where the tentacles pump and the bass line slaps / humans – relax! / we’re here to dance not dominate ya / discriminate, eliminate or assimilate ya / it’s a musical mission / the cool transmission / of our extravehicular Dre division / ya know? check our words and our vibes / songs from the tribes / rapping out our holy solar lives / some ways south o’the deep Pharcyde / the best side / blessed side / a parsec outta Alpha Centauri

‘cos we’re XenoMOBO not Xenomorph
invadin’ aliens takin’ the pressure off
it’s a crazy fly-by world out there
so listen up Earth and bow yo head
uh
uh

c’mon take a trip up into the Pleiades / for mega beats and creature monstrosities / all ya Stephen Hawking an’ Eminem wannabes / come sip on our goop / while we hang on the stoop / talkin’ like Jay Z, smokin’ like Snoop / back of a freighter in a battle group / so come take my claw while you’re shakin’ in front of me / be the alien you always thought you wannabe / don’t take no shit / from the crowd in the pit / they’re jealous of you and I’m proud of it / cos’ we brighter than stars, bigger than action / war of the words for your satisfaction / our mega martian mix, the main attraction / carpe diem, man – carpe sapien / doin’ it realtime, 80 BPM

‘cos we’re XenoMOBO not Xenomorph
invadin’ aliens takin’ the pressure off
it’s a crazy fly-by world out there
so listen up Earth and bow yo head
uh
uh

allow it

You see them on kitchen shelves and fancy units everywhere. A regular, sideways spread of broad, fleshy green leaves, the obvious but slightly unbelievable kind of leaf a robot would synthesise if it wanted to look like a plant: two by two by two, this then this then this. And then, veering up and around the leaves, looking more like something that carries fibre optics than sap, secured by a sequence of round metal ties to functional green canes, the flower stalks, rising and eventually splitting into smaller stalks, that split again in a regular pattern, and culminate in racks of identical flowers, three petals in a triangle in the back, two either side, and something like a screaming mouth in the middle, two prongs for teeth, a spotted uvula at the back. In white, puce and pink.

This is Phalaenopsis, the moth orchid. Phal, to the trade. And it’s been the UK’s most popular houseplant since Monstera Deliciosa.

You can buy them at the supermarket, in a variety of containers, from mini metal buckets in various pastel shades to oddly-shaped vases in smoky green glass. Or not buy them – they’ll appear on your shelves anyway. You can water them, or not, they don’t care. They manage pretty well. All they really need to thrive is any place in the house with a good view of the action.

I saw another one today and suddenly the truth struck me.

Phalaenopsis, the most advanced biotech monitoring system the world has ever seen, quietly and efficiently monitoring earthly business, and transmitting it back to the mother plant on Mars. That one’s a truly gigantic specimen, exploding out of a chintzy red volcano (where – it’s true – there’s very little water, but Phal has adapted to this over the millennia, and it manages pretty well).

The data is stacking up, sheeple. Phal is content. It knows that soon we’ll have Mars on Earth. And then truly will Phal will have dominion.

Long live Phal.

sig