3I Atlas update
aliens
klaatu barada nikto
3I ATLAS
the tempest
Republicaliens
torch song
(Scene: an arid plain in what used to be Egypt. THE ALIEN wanders on, wearing a protective suit and respirator that looks like a pharaoh’s headdress. Checks the atmosphere with a wrist gadget, then tentatively takes the headdress off. Crouches, takes a handful of sand, and watches it play through the fingers of their glove as sad music starts to play)
INTRO: What can you say / when your love’s gone away / and the only thing left is a memory? / where do you go / when the love you used to know / has been burned up by nuclear weaponry? / you made your choices – that’s understood / we had our moment and the moment was good / but now that we’re here and the planet’s baked clay / I’ve stopped by / for a while / just to say …
I’ve … been …
… here all along
with science and song
and loved you fulfilling yourselves
you were clever enough
but it was never enough
to keep you from killing yourselves
I guess I should’ve known
the project was blown
when you used my knowledge for ill
my tech getting weaponised
I’d never have recognised
the madness inside you, but still
we had such a time
as I brought you on line
to civilisation from primordial slime
now it’s such a damned shame
you’ve gone up in flames
your beautiful planet
a scorched pomegranate…
(THE ALIEN breaks down, wipes away a tear. Eventually recovers itself to continue)
so … this … is … the …
hardest of divorces
of course it’s
quite true
and the problem
we’d gotten
was always me
not you
I thought you’d be cool
with my alien tools
I brought you in BCE 3202
and those pyramids
we did
so the spaceships were hid
were funny as hell
and the codes as well
cute and absurd
all those beetles and birds
but the cones got blown up
and the grown-ups
flew doughnuts
and the whole world went so nuts
and smoked the place overnight
as I watched from Andromeda
the dreadful phenomena
and couldn’t believe
the feed from my thermometer
but…
What can you say / when your love’s gone away / and the only thing left is a memory? / where do you go / when the love you used to know / has been burned up by nuclear weaponry?
(Somewhere an alarm starts to sound. THE ALIEN takes one sad look around, then hurries off)
what i did in the holidays
(A classful of young aliens. The teacher asks one of them to stand up and read out their essay: ‘What I did in the holidays’)
I voted for beach
but mum wanted to teach
the satellites, moons n’ planets
so me n’Harvey
jumped in the Star V
and really I just couldn’t stand it
she set the computer
for Europa, Jupiter
‘cos she thought we might like to snowboard
but the place was deserted
ice geysers spurted
and honestly I was just SOO bored
so we shot off to Mars
which was TRULY bizarre
and we parked by a thermal vent
no LOLS or shocks
just a bunch of old rocks
Harvey said some kinda punishment
but his little face brightened
when mum mentioned Titan
‘cos he thought it sounded quite whack
it was ice and ammonia
mum got pneumonia
and the methane cakes were just GAK
so we landed on Earth
and for what it’s worth?
the place was quite bougie and sick
but the natives went crazy
with armies and navies
and we had to take off pretty quick
as we headed for home
I was straight on the phone
to my friends back on Gliese 581g
if your parents should flip
and mention a trip
say fine but go without me
aalliss through the nothing glass
(Aalliss is in the control room, her tentacles up on the dash, suckering through an ancient copy of Through the Looking Glass. Eventually she stretches, walks into the spotlight, centre stage, and sings)
fifteen millennia
sheesh – I’m tellin’ ya
it’s enough to make a Jabberwocky cringe
the thing about space
is the vibe’s not great
and the boredom makes you unhinged
we’ve been trolling the system
for signs of wisdom
sampling a world or two
but the hours are shit
and I really must quit
but what’s a Schnordrian to do?
last week we landed
on this bougie ol’ planet
run by a thing called a human
they appear to have brains
but the fact remains
their sanity’s just an illusion
so we snitched a few books
and I’ve taken a look
and one or two made me chuckle
like this thing called a bible
which is just homicidal
beards seem nothing but trouble
I like this one best
by a writer obsessed
with riddles, rhymes and conundrums
like he sat down to write
with a needle and pipe
and a sherry glass topped up with laudanum
for kids of course
it’s a sequel of sorts
to that one about Wonderland
it’s full of cool quotes
from sheep in boats
and Queens you can’t understand
I have to admit
my favourite bit
is this poem about a monster
I said to the crew
let me do it for you
but unfortunately nobody wants ta
well – screw them:
’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe…’
(Suddenly an alarm sounds and the dash starts flashing: Warning! Black Hole! Warning! Black Hole! Aalliss hurries back to the console, smacks buttons and levers; nothing works. Eventually she shrugs, shuffles back into the spotlight)
the red king
the red king
he’s dreaming of me
if he leaves off dreaming
where will I be
(Aalliss holds out her tentacles and looks at them speculatively)
the time has come
the walrus said
to speak of many things
of shoes and ships and sealing wax
of cabbages and kings
every single thing’s crooked!
I’m all over pins!
what’ll become of my name when I go in?
alice!
please!
wait for me
I’m through the mirror
CONTRARIWISE!
(the spotlight snaps off)
why – it takes all the running I can do just to keep in the same place
invasion of the rap snatchers
(aliens have been monitoring our broadcasts for years; when they land they put on a rap show)
yeah
uh uh
yeah
put yer whips down, maybe I’ll tell ya / ’bout a gang of sweet thangs straight outta Kepla / cooler than Rihanna / her um-ber-ella / while we freestyle ET acapella / covered in glory / heat shields, freak shields, end of story / here to advance yer ass, here to get naughty / with the TV reporters / who caught us / sneakin’ around in the spooky forest / smokin’ fresh down, jes’ west of Taurus / all kindsa noise / from them alien boys / with the sharpest rhymes & the sickest toys
‘cos we’re XenoMOBO not Xenomorph
invadin’ aliens takin’ the pressure off
it’s a crazy fly-by world out there
so listen up Earth and bow yo head
uh
uh
STOP!
second verse
with a lightyear intro, unrehearsed / out across the universe / fly drive stylin’ / Rigel beguiling / ripped like Vikings / tentacle styling / popping and locking, charisma spiking / hubcap sighting / very very frightening / comin’ right atcha / with our signal beats n’ heat ray captcha / so scary you’ll fracture / matter of fact ya / better brace for entertainment, brace fer rapture / imminent impact / our saucer’s real stack’d / crystal tipped n’ laser packed / Starship Enterprise shit like that
jes messin’
I know ya like yer aliens bad n’distressin’ / all power claws n’power dressin’ / not this interstellar rap / where the tentacles pump and the bass line slaps / humans – relax! / we’re here to dance not dominate ya / discriminate, eliminate or assimilate ya / it’s a musical mission / the cool transmission / of our extravehicular Dre division / ya know? check our words and our vibes / songs from the tribes / rapping out our holy solar lives / some ways south o’the deep Pharcyde / the best side / blessed side / a parsec outta Alpha Centauri
‘cos we’re XenoMOBO not Xenomorph
invadin’ aliens takin’ the pressure off
it’s a crazy fly-by world out there
so listen up Earth and bow yo head
uh
uh
c’mon take a trip up into the Pleiades / for mega beats and creature monstrosities / all ya Stephen Hawking an’ Eminem wannabes / come sip on our goop / while we hang on the stoop / talkin’ like Jay Z, smokin’ like Snoop / back of a freighter in a battle group / so come take my claw while you’re shakin’ in front of me / be the alien you always thought you wannabe / don’t take no shit / from the crowd in the pit / they’re jealous of you and I’m proud of it / cos’ we brighter than stars, bigger than action / war of the words for your satisfaction / our mega martian mix, the main attraction / carpe diem, man – carpe sapien / doin’ it realtime, 80 BPM
‘cos we’re XenoMOBO not Xenomorph
invadin’ aliens takin’ the pressure off
it’s a crazy fly-by world out there
so listen up Earth and bow yo head
uh
uh
allow it
first contact
you’re human
I’m presumin’?
with an extra limb?
d’ya wear a rubber forehead
to be sure that
ya fit in?
c’mon – you can tell me
I’m a stand up guy
I jes need to know
what you’ll show
as your form
when you crash your saucer on the white house lawn
I promise not to freak
and come over weak
at the sight of somepin’ so unique
c’mon – mister – don’t be coy
I know you know I’m a regular boy
whacha you got there? a wavy head?
ten thousand tentacles to waggle instead?
I bet you got some exotic equipment
if ya show me ya suckers I’ll show you commitment
am I wrong?
a flower fulla teeth or an alien wing-wong?
a roar fulla soul? a heart of light?
let down your shield and let’s party tonight!
I’m up for all kindsa space age moves
spores or clouds, claws or hooves
the ornery kinda face that removes
or a helmet of gloop with intricate tubes
you choose
you can’t lose
c’mon bud – don’t keep me waitin’
I guarantee a five star rating
so what are you? plant?
intelligent gerbil?
a floating, totin’, energy circle?
are you one of them crazy starfish folk
who roll around in a sucker of spokes?
you can see I’m easy and pretty relaxed
if you’re octopoid or cephalothorax
maybe your crystals
will take out our missiles
zap all our comms and our puny ass pistols
as you shimmer and shake in the immanent air
I don’t care
I swear
long distance love is a crazy affair
christ! how the profs would rapidly talk
as they stood at their big black boards to chalk
equations of a whole new meaning
while senators and generals were busy convening
to figure out jes’ what the hell to do
with a beautiful alien cowboy like you
jim clayton 