what a ride

I’m just your average homo sapiens
so I’ve no idea why I got abducted by aliens

I was out walking Stanley the dog
when there was this sudden creepy fog
then a noise like someone bowing a saw
that carried on annoyingly a minute or more
till a fierce white light snapped down
and I felt myself rising off the ground
waggling helpless as a mackerel
controlled by forces supernatural
till I rose up through a dodgy looking hatch
and landed on deck for the creatures to catch

Let me try to describe ‘em
I mean – at first I totally didn’t buy ‘em
they looked kinda hokey
sounded worse than me at karaoke
almond eyes, sensitive mouths
a bunch of tentacles north & south
if you ask anyone to draw an alien
from Buddhist monk to Episcopalian
I’m damned sure thems the figures you’d see
but that’s what I found leering down at me

They took me to their leader
an older unit with a badge that said PETER
(his real name was probably SCHNORQ or KLARHT
but they didn’t wanna alienate me right at the start)
he put my phone up on a giant screen
I put in the password twenty eighteen
the other aliens gathered round
moved their tentacles so I could sit down
as PETER swiped and the images swam
all the videos I’d watched on Instagram
and every time he’d stop and frown
and sigh and tut and shake his suckers
like humans were the ditziest mothafuckas
and he’d look to me for an explanation
to understand the population:

‘that’s someone falling over at a wedding
that’s Motor Bikin’ by Chris Spedding
that’s three kids jumping in the water
that’s a goose walking on wet mortar
that’s a kitten on a trampoline
that’s switching lip balm with germolene
that’s a wheelie and a stoppie
that’s a ten second paper poppy
that’s a guppy looks like Trump
that’s a starving dog on a dump
that’s a bunch of sweet Jedi moves
that’s a dachshund overdubbed with coconut hooves
that’s how to draw sheep
that’s Tom Hardy & Meryl Streep
that’s Rihanna in Tijuana
that’s Ray of Light by Madonna
that’s Ray Winstone on a lilo
that’s shortcrust versus filo
that’s bloopers from Friends
that’s Jennifer Aniston again
that’s a three year old doing a halfpipe
that’s a woodcock and a snipe
that’s le parkour
that’s Alan Moore
that’s a spiky dress at the Met
that’s a clown swallowing a cigarette
that’s a gas explosion at a depot
that’s a fashion selfie in Aleppo
that’s Grampa, Lily and Herman Munster
that’s a drunk guy falling in a dumpster
that’s a stream of molten lava
that’s J-Lo eating guava
that’s Miley Cyrus
that’s an anti-vaxxer wrestling someone dressed like the virus
that’s Charlize Theron reacting to confetti
that’s a good hard stare from Giacometti
that’s a fashion selfie in Chernobyl
that’s a bad flood in Grenoble
that’s someone eating a cake like a brain
that’s Jennifer Aniston again
that’s a bridge collapsing
that’s Miley Cyrus relaxing
that’s a dachshund with a pipe and beret
that’s three girls twerking on the MTA
that’s a fight at the checkout
that’s – no idea what that’s about…’

Peter suddenly raised a tentacle
slithered down sadly off his pedestal
‘thanks for your help in this difficult matter
I’ve seen enough of this mindless chatter
forget the probing – he’s not to blame
just toss him back to whence he came’

and the next thing I knew I was back in the forest
and Stanley was gone – completely lorest

rock n’roll alien

you see before us
the brightest star in the constellation of Capricornus
Deneb Algedi
actually, you know
it’s really not
that’s just the cute little system humans have got
of putting names to everything
like Elvis the King!
for example
my favourite mammal
that’s enough semantics for today
I can tell from the clacking beaks of my subordinates
they want me to sit down and set the coordinates

ricky in space

me and Ricky stepped out for a smoke
it was well misty, with a lot of spooky frog-croak
then suddenly the frogs stopped
and the fags from our fingers dropped
as a spaceship descended
and all the trash cans upended

an alien slithered out
looking like a cross between a trout
and an octopus
it was quite a shock to us

‘which one of you shithead’s Ricky?’
it spluttered, its icky mouthparts sticky
I gave it a tissue
‘thanks’ it said ‘an allergy issue’

I pointed to Ricky
who was looking a bit panicky
‘come on then’ it said, ‘I’m way behind schedule’
rolling its eye and waving a tentacle

so I said goodbye to Ricky
which was morally quite tricky
but if an alien asks for your friend by name
you can’t tell me you wouldn’t do the same

they were gone as quickly as turning off a torch
and I was left smoking alone on the porch


I got a text from Ricky yesterday
from somewhere in the region of Alpha Centauri
‘having a great time seeing the sights
I was angry at first but it turned out alright
we’re heading back now and I’ll tell you plenty
I won’t have aged but you’ll be a hundred and twenty’

I saw a UFO today

I saw a UFO today
they were auditing the Milky Way
probed me with a questionnaire
(I didn’t care
I wasn’t in the mood
but I didn’t want to seem rude
if they used their superior weaponry on me I’d be screwed).
it took ages
endless pages
jesus christ
I gritted my teeth and acted nice
eventually – finally – it was over
the door slid open on their interstellar rover
just before they left they thanked me for my time
covered me head to foot in slime
(something they said was a ritual amongst their folk
but one of them sniggered so I’m guessing it was a joke)
they flew away
thank god
but not
before handing me a gift that glowed in the light
‘a magic stone’ they said (oh really? yeah, right)