austerity astrology

Aries
Pioneering and courageous / you love to share your outrageous / personality / and vivacious company / with the rest of us / girl? you’re the best of us
(under normal circumstances / but with Boris I’m sorry but I don’t rate your chances)

Taurus
Determined and loyal / your practical approach is the oil / we need / to keep society up to speed / and speaking honestly? / the other star signs rely on you constantly
(it’s usually that way / but you’ll need to find extra credit today)

Gemini
Sharp and sexy / you handle issues of startling complexity / with your fleet & soulful duality / smart and adaptable / phenomenally compatible
(in happier times / now you’re running county lines)

Cancer
Emotional & receptive / your hard shell can be deceptive / in fact you’re a natural source of electricity / and although you value domesticity / you can still find room for eccentricity
(in the past / before your bills got quite so vast)

Leo
Enthusiastic, emphatic / a flair for the dramatic / you live life to the marvellous max / oriented to the bad boy side of the tracks / in Burberry glasses & Gucci slacks
(these days you’re a little more off-the-rack / the queue for Primark’s round the back )

Virgo
A perfectionist with a heart of gold / your loyal spirit is a joy to behold / standing your ground / bringing order to the chaos all around
(or did, formerly / up until Sunak’s Spring statement, unfortunately)

Libra
Social & diplomatic / you have a fearless drive towards the democratic / seeing the positive not the negative / balanced, empathetic, deeply sensitive
(these days you need a little more luck / with the Tories in power your scales are fucked)

Scorpio
Passionate & cunning / sometimes you’re a little ‘all or nothing’ / but your joie de vie will enliven the situation / and win you oodles of adoration
(what can I say? / I’m afraid the food bank’s closed on Wednesdays )

Sagittarius
You’re wild and impulsive and refuse to be boxed / laughing your way free of the toughest locks / and although you lack focus some of the time / your beautiful dreams are always sublime!
(until Brexit / when we all got thrown headfirst through the exit)

Capricorn
A reserved and patient goat you may be / but that’s why you’re the leading lady! / hardworking, resilient / never less than brilliant / and although you’re last to hear any rumour / you’re blessed with a mordant sense of humour
(so here’s a thing to make you laugh / the room’s so cold you’re sat in your scarf)

Aquarius
One of a kind / you totally know your own mind / hungry for knowledge, socially inventive / the pursuit of wisdom your soul’s incentive
(but if you didn’t go to Eton / you may as well accept you’re beaten)

Pisces
You swim upstream, emotionally intuitive / your skill and your instincts frequently lucrative / and even though you take on too much / you don’t care how hard you work and such
(which is just as well / because I hear there are vacancies at the local motel)