the father of christmas

The bible has no date for Jesus’ nativity
but given all the shepherds in the general vicinity
winter was likely much too soon
and they cut the cord in May or June

So how did we arrive
at December 25?

Well – in 312 Constantine seized the eagle
and the next year made Christianity legal
the Romans used to celebrate Saturnalia
with a lot of proto-christmas paraphernalia
which was all to do with the winter solstice
a pagan occasion where everyone got pissed
because I hardly think you need me to say
you REALLY need a party on the shortest day
and although Constantine was apparently Christian
it didn’t hurt his political position
to consolidate all the pagan myths
into one big Christmas shopping list

So now when you’re in the supermarket
after queuing in the car for an hour to park it
pushing your trolley round the crowded aisles
sprouts and turnips in threatening piles
with everyone steadily going insane
Band Aid on the tannoy again

you’ll know who to blame

the day I’ve had

the day I’ve had
the DAY I’ve had

I finally make it on to Dragon’s Den
with a pitch
to get rich
as a personal online fitness witch
showing the muggles how to stretch
their hexes
and I demonstrate some magical flexes
safe for all ages & sexes
but the Dragons are perplexed
Peter says he’s out
wiggles the knot of his tie about
Hi I’m Deborah
says Deborah
hi Deborah
my expertise
is the leisure industry
down in the west country?
she smiles at me
and so you see
for that reason, I’m out
I scream & shout
wave my hands about
everyone’s shocked
the room ripples and rocks
floods with green fog
the dragons turn into frogs
I’m led away
by security
but hey – fine by me

honestly – the day I’ve had
the DAY I’ve had

I mean, even though I’m semi-retired
from The Christmas Enquirer
I’m unexpectedly wired
with a task
to unmask
Santa Claus, or Papa Noel
or whatever the hell
it is you call him
and then somehow stall him
and wait for backup
but not rack up
too many expenses
on the flimsiest of pretenses
like last time
I say – okay – fine
so I dress like one of his little helpers
tour the emergency rooms and shelters
till I find him in a candy crack alley in Atlanta
bellowing his bullshit Christmas propaganda
hurling garbage cans
at the tinsel-capped cops in their vans
screaming jes’ a goddamn second, man!
don’t you fuck with those elves!
they’ll piss on your sacks and shit on your shelves!
I get the scoop
but I’m papped-out & pooped
finally done with the glitter and puke
so I go back to writing my book
about the pagan winter solstice
and how much better it is
(I got an advance
from Victor Gollancz
but you soon get through it
so if you could see your way to it
and stand me my rent
I’ll totally cut you ten percent)