General Election Now
flagging
if I was a witch I’d totally flex
spit three times and fatally hex
this nightmare tory government
of dodgy winks and covenants
selling off anything not screwed down
to generate cash to pass around
an Eton mess of cushty mates
with offshore funds and big estates
who sing the anthem, kiss the flag
and twist it into a handy rag
to gag Britannia and bind her wrists
and give free reign to monopolists
fourteen years of special measures
parties in clowning street, wreckers in chequers
infrastructure down in the dirt
everyone hurting, nothing works
but keep your nerve, people, don’t lose hope
there’s magic in a pencil when you go to vote
build-an-unbearable-tory workshop
- Choose Me: Pick the Tory you really want, from ex-forces wingnut to son-of-a-Viscount. We also have a range of working class hunks who speak their mind and wear union jack trunks
- Pick the Voice: Listen to a range of vigorous views, from snarky sniping to outright abuse
- Get Stuffing! : Customise your Tory with sounds, smells and stuffing (dodgy cash which we’re not discussing)
- First Media Outing: Give your Tory the love it deserves with an ego massage from Laura Kuenssberg
- Suit Me: Find the right look with suits we’ve arranged, from kevlar casuals to our non-stick range
- Certify: Once your Tory is ready to go, it’s important to give it a name, you know. We provide passports & legal certificates, affiliations to offshore syndicates, international relationships, Coutts accounts, bulging with money in curious amounts
- Elect Me: Now your Tory is ready to serve, high office of state with vice n’verve. Everyone’s favourite! The Media Bosses! Yours for just one of your pencil crosses.
square one yes please
thirteen years and counting
vote for me! vote for me!
clearly the best as you can see!
friends in high places
bungs with no traces
our sleeves
concealing
plenty of aces
verbal athletics
Eton genetics
on nodding terms with issues of ethics
vote for me! vote for me!
the choice of the finest quality!
our images glow
from top hat to toes
the press
are the best
at these things I suppose
just trust in your betters
to take the right measures
our names are framed with gilded letters
vote for me! vote for me!
the winning bet unequivocally!
we’ve such pizazz
and all that jazz
we’re rakes
on the take
wrapped up in a flag
we’ll keep you amused
till you feel confused
and we give the country a big blue bruise
vote for me! vote for me!
rosy futures guaranteed!
we’ll lose you in mazes
of parroted phrases
so slick
you’ll be sick
of the questions it raises
till you make it all stop
at the next vox pop
with a pen, a cross and a ballot box
general election now
the stink that stank by dr streuth
whose sleazes
are theses?
I put it to you, sir
you do as you pleases!
to me and to you
and to them and to meses!
you do SUCH harm, sir
with your dirty palm greasing
austerity severity!
services freezing!
your public fund plundering
and sundry seizing!
increasing policing
justice deceasing
I’m telling you, sir
it is MOST displeasing!
(oh why oh WHY
is not justice unleashing?)
(the poem ends here as the door’s kicked in; Police 1 and Police 2 rush in to arrest Dr Streuth for planning a public nuisance)
jim clayton 