heavy duty medication

The two most startling things about Morris are his height and his baseball cap. The cap is for the Toronto Blue Jays. I only know that because when he turns round the name is printed in big letters on the fastener. That bold splash of red, blue and white seems to draw the colour out of the rest of him – a great, stooping stalk of a guy, dressed in brown slippers, grey slacks and a leached, off-white shirt.
‘In here,’ he says. ‘Follow the bear.’
We go through into the lounge. It’s orderly but lonely, the kind of place that doesn’t have much but what there is falls easily to hand.
Morris takes his cap off and points to a scabbed wound a cinch above his left eyebrow.
‘Ouch!’ I say. ‘How’d that happen?’
‘I fell,’ he says. ‘It’s a long story.’
‘But you didn’t go to hospital.’
‘Nah. What would I want to go there for? It’s full of sick people.’
I have to nod at that.
I go through the usual questions, with a slant towards someone with a head injury. Everything seems fine. He’s getting over it. The doctor adjusted his meds. Things are happening.
‘Everyone’s been very kind,’ he says, slapping the cap back on.
I start the examination.
‘Tell me a bit more about this fall,’ I say. ‘Was it a trip kinda deal? Or did you have a funny turn?’
‘Neither. I fell outta bed and cracked my head on the side table. It bled like a bastard so I called the paramedics. But these things bleed a lot. So. Apparently you need a lot of blood up in your head to keep your brains afloat. There was just one paramedic. He was very, very good. Surprisingly cheerful, even though it was the middle of the night. I said to him, I said: How d’you manage it? Being so cheerful n’all? And he turned round to me and he said: Morris? I love my work – but I’m also on some heavy duty medication. Which I thought was a good answer.’
‘I like that!’
‘Heavy duty medication. That’s what I need, I think.’
‘You’re not doing so bad.’
‘I suppose you’ve got to have a sense of humour in that line of work.’
‘Have you fallen out of bed before?’
‘Never. This was my first time. But I won’t be rushing back to repeat the experience.’
‘What happened exactly?’
‘Promise you won’t laugh?’
‘I’ll try.’
‘Okay. So. I was having this dream. I was playing at Old Trafford, I was running up the pitch with the ball at my feet, taking them all on. I could see George Best making a play for it way over on the right. And I was just about to cross when some bastard came studs up from nowhere and took me down. And when I woke up I was lying on the carpet  covered in blood.’
‘That’s a red card, right there.’
‘When I told the paramedic what happened he laughed and said he’d seen some bad tackles in his time, but never one that knocked someone sixty years into the future.’
‘I wonder who he was.’
‘What? The paramedic? I don’t know.’
Morris sighs and straightens his cap.
‘The way things are these days, I probably dreamed him, too.’

life is strange

Just to the right of Ian’s basement door, set back in an alcove lined with astro turf, is a large, plaster of paris copy of the Venus de Milo, pink and white fairy lights wrapped so tightly round her head and body it’s like the cabling cut off her circulation and caused the arms to drop off. And Venus isn’t the only one suffering. Every conceivable fabulous beast or mythical creature, cast in iron, plastic or stone, has been staked out in the porch area, some in conversational groups, some peeping out from behind fake rocks fitfully lit by solar lamps, some staring down in attitudes of petrified indifference from the few plants still alive in the raised bed behind me. Coming from the dark street down these basement steps into such a muddle of light is like sneaking into a cheap psychedelic grotto without paying. I ring the doorbell – disappointingly normal – and wonder what Ian will look like, as I stand back and wait.

Eventually – after such a long time I wonder if I should ring again – Ian shuffles into view, his pallor and exhaustion made more striking by the colour and fuss around us.

Come in, come in! he croaks. Go through to the bedroom, would you? He waves me through, then slowly closes the door, pausing for a moment to press his nose to the glass, as if he half expected the illuminated Venus to turn and smile back at him.

The flat is like a long and extensive burrow made entirely out of books, Tiffany lamps placed strategically here and there for illumination, along with a glowing square above the messy bed: a large reproduction of a Greek tableau – a naked warrior wrestling a satyr – the whole thing wrapped in white neon rope.

Ian moves to the side of the bed, then collapses back onto it, gradually finding the energy to draw his legs up into a half-tuck foetal position.
‘I won’t ever do it again,’ he says.
I think he means answer the door, but I’m not sure, so I say: ‘Do what, Ian?’
‘Run backwards’
‘Is that what happened when you had the accident?’
He nods, then pushes himself up onto one elbow so he can see me more clearly.
‘Yes. It was such a lovely evening I thought, why not? But then I tripped and fell and cracked my head. When I awoke I was lying here in bed with blood all over the pillow. So I called that number – you know – whatever it is – and the next thing I knew there were two burly men in green standing over me, taking notes. We think you should come with us they said. Oh really? I said. Why should I come with you? Because we think you might have a bleed on the brain. A bleed on the brain? I said. Whatever next? But suddenly I was in hospital, you see? Weeks, I was there. Weeks and weeks. Months, quite possibly, I couldn’t really say. And now here I am, talking to you. Isn’t life strange?’

He smiles at me, and at the same time the lights around the tableau buzz and flicker, as if somehow the neon rope was connected to Ian in some way. Then they blaze on again as brightly as before.
‘Let’s see how you are today, Ian,’ I tell him, unpacking my bag.
‘Oh – if you insist,’ he sighs, then rolls onto his back.

about a squirrel

‘Tell me about the squirrel.’
‘It would never have happened if Sheila were still alive.’
‘Was she good with squirrels?’
‘She was good with everything. I’m lost without her. Lost and lonely.’
‘I’m sorry to hear that.’
‘It’s not your fault.’
‘So go on, then. What’s all this about a squirrel?’
‘I’d just got back from the shops. I opened the front door and came into the hallway, put the bag down, leant the stick in the corner, turned round to close the door when I heard this little skittery noise from the bedroom. Hello I said. Who’s there? Because I thought it might be a burglar. Which, in a way, it was. So I nudged forward a little bit, and there was the skittery noise again, and something falling over, like a glass. So I said Right! I’m calling the police – although the phone was in the kitchen, and anyway, to be honest with you, I had a feeling it was too small to be a burglar. More likely a cat or something. But you say stupid things when you’re on your own, don’t you? Sheila wouldn’t have had none of that. She’d have marched right in there and sorted it out, burglar or otherwise. She was always the same, right from when we met. She weren’t afraid of nothing, except maybe at the end, and that was different. That was more than anyone could’ve coped with. Anyway, there I was, standing in the hallway, wondering what to do, picking my stick up again and holding it out in front of me, when suddenly – wham! Out flies this squirrel. And I know I’ve probably remembered it all wrong, because it happened so quick, but I swear, this squirrel, he ran up the wall, across the ceiling, back down the other side, through my legs and out the front door. And I spun round on the spot to whack him one, and fell over, and I must’ve caught my head on the hall table, because next thing I know I’m sitting on the carpet covered in blood, and my daughter Carol’s standing over me, and shes’s saying Oh my God, Dad. What happened to you? And I told her about the squirrel, and she told the paramedics, and now everyone thinks I’m this crazy old fool who got mugged by a squirrel. But I tell you what, they’re not like they used to be. I remember when a squirrel would tiptoe up to you and maybe take a nut or two out your hand. Now they’re just as likely to steal your car and burn your house down. But things change, I suppose. Life goes on. I just wish I was coping better.’