Liz? Rishi? time for a quickie? it’s your pay-per-view paparazzi danke schon and mille grazie try to look busy we’ll be done in a jiffy – LOVE what you’ve done to your cave in the city
corporate lawyers in power showers / soap themselves in the early hours / practising smiles and Bonnie Tyler ballads / dreaming of oligarchs and caesar salads
quick! johnson’s smiling so make your obeisance he thanks you most affably for your patience the money transferred without complications so he’ll expedite your applications actore non probante reus absolvitur now DO fuck off and DON’T slam the door
holy shit n’guacamole! where’s my cake so I can have it and eat it slowly? in the favourite T I’ve had from new the meek shall inherit the earth / if that’s alright with the rest of you
sorry sorry I’m new here I just wanted to pass through here I didn’t know you were supposed to queue here isn’t this Dover? the place where all the boats cross over?
whaddya mean, failure to launch? more like a failure to lunch sit the fuck down and blow the conch
But wait – here comes… MOGG he’s written a frightfully elegant blog the trick behind assets, bricks and mortar is holding the stick and throwing the dog in the water
Rue Britannia! Britannia rues the waves / Old Money never, never, never shall acknowledge the vast sums that were made from slavery / Hmm / almost there / the rhythm’s off but the meaning’s there / maybe the whole thing needs rewriting / it’s too downbeat, unexciting / we need something happy with a snappy refrain / we can sing together as we circle the drain
I’m Sunak in sliders sucking a popsicle / Truss on a bus and Boris in hospital / nicely stage managed but getting uncomfortable / crowd scenes biblical / placards & principles / typical / I thought we made this woke shit criminal? / we can tell from here they know it’s over / so we run for cover / out of the shit and into clover / ride in the back of a bullet-proof motor / with a crux of champers and a special branch chauffeur / on a rollercoaster road trip to Greece / live tweeted except for the Russian meets / lying as we lie on our loungers on the beach / paying off the police / working on gags for the after dinner speech
I’m ET with his ship on the meter / sticking my neck out saying take me to your leader / but cops will be cops and follow procedure / they brutalise, ziptie the crying creature / think I’m Iranian / possibly Canadian / deport me home as an illegal alien
I’m Scooby Doo / five o’clock shadow and Velma tattoo / snarling at the screws / in the state calaboose / desperate for news / struggling to get through / on the attorney line to the Cartoon Zoo
I’m Jesus on Kimmel / hair by Ferretti eyes by Rimmel / talking about his new book Sacrificial / initially charming / but progressively more alarming / till the producers / worried about revenues and viewers / pull the plug on the studio computers / and Jimmy says shit / that wasn’t in the script / I didn’t anticipate that one little bit / I can only apologise most sincerely for it / and Jesus lifts his eyes to camera 3 / says My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? / can’t you let something go right for me occasionally?
I’m Puff the Homeless Dragon / flaggin’ down a wagon / outta breath and outta luck / fuck / they took the cave when I couldn’t pay / now I’m headin’ for the capital / with all the other fictional radicals / to see what’s cooking and find something flammable
I’m Putin / smiling and putting the route in / to Google maps / scratching my scrote through my John Wayne chaps / while Surge the Purge Lavrov snaps / his antique Red Army braces / photoshopping our faces / onto famous people in famous places / saying Vladdy? / everybody’s favourite, Bond-style baddy? / are you ready? / C’mon! Let’s send tanks to spit some gravel / in a kick-ass convoy down the road less travelled
I’m running a temperature, taking stock / shivering quietly in the dock / I wouldn’t normally call but you’ve always been my rock / and it’s fast approaching midnight on my Elvis clock
Sometimes when I’m arriving / or leaving / or deciding it’s high time I stopped / and dropped / all the buying and complying / all the dealing and denying / the blind believing / like sometimes when I’m driving / somewhere nice / or not / somewhere cold / or hot / listening to podcasts / forecasts / browsing through broadcast whatnots / the latest schemes / dietary regimes / ponzi queens / killer kitten memes / diana ross and the supremes / political extremes / bin Salman with a book out / on how to plan the perfect Turkish cookout / Cameron with his crook out / in his sheikhy shepherd hut on the lookout / while Johnson jokes from the downing street dugout / that’s papered throughout / with the pages of the standards handbook he’s torn out / and on daytime TV / a deputation from the Chinese embassy / interviews photogenically / on the inherent harmony / of Feng Shui for Peng Shuai / and I wonder whether it will rain again today / and flood / and sweep me away in a wave of mud / and whether I look good in this hood / or whether I should / just accept my age / gracefully / and wander off tastefully / and lose myself in what I did or didn’t do yesterday / and once again I forget what it’s all about / because even though I’ve tried and tried to figure it out / once again I’m circling the roundabout / gripping the steering wheel wracked with doubt
Welcome to the new world war / a little different to the ones before / which were just too damned destructive / brainlessly brutal & counter-productive / so in an effort to conserve precious resources / and save ourselves millions on military forces / I’m pitching a saner, alternative event / which I hope you’ll back one hundred percent
I’m a Demagogue…Get Me Out of Here!
Okay – so – all the world leaders / all the conflict pleaders / xenophobia breeders / rally rousing autocue readers / they’ll all be darted / before the conflict’s started / drugged and helicoptered / onto a tropical island we’ve adopted / to undergo the bushtucker war trials we’ve concocted / surrounded by cameras / concealed in bananas / fake cockatoos / pouches of kangaroos / hollowed out bamboos / and so on / giving the viewers plenty to go on / to see what these people are REALLY like / when they’re forced to hike / through inhospitable jungle / and struggle / to find water / or food / and shower in a waterfall in the nude / (that’ll be an extra / you can elect to / pay on top / of the subscription you’ve got / pretty niche I know / but there you go / so…. / if you wanna see Boris / naked in a forest….)
Terribly sorry – technical glitch / forgive the interruption and on with the pitch…
You’ll see Xi Jinping / trying to look cool and convincing / but undeniably wincing / as he sits before the steadicam / chopsticks ready and wham! / they take the lid off the dish / and it’s as terrible and horrible as you could wish / and you watch him carefully raise from the receptacle / a single, wrinkled deep-fried testacle / and after cursing all our yesterdays and tomorrows / he chews it once and bravely swallows
Hear Scott Morrison / chuntering on and on / about nuclear subs and rockets / whilst fondling a Dairy Milk in his khaki pockets
Watch Kim Jong-un / bellowing like King Kong / on a fraying vine rope / as he builds himself up to cope / with the horrifying grope / for tokens in the box / they’ve hung above the canyon of snap-happy crocs
Follow Joe Biden / playin’ hide n’ / seek / with a reaper drone in a bug-filled creek / whilst he’s forced to speak / his thoughts today / on truth, justice and the American Way / and what’s going on in Guantanamo Bay
See Vladimir Putin / using his shirt to carry fruit in / then go full Rasputin / when the vote’s finally in / and he’s out / a popular eviction without a doubt / his tough guy act completed / the entire Russian Federation defeated / which I think you’ll admit is harsh but fair / and the reason this season’s so populaire
Hosted as always by Ant and Dec who’ll hand the winner a giant cheque signed by the head of the United Nations so that’s the format – any questions?