Death is a Big Bargain Bucket O’Nuffin
an Interplanetary Egg Mcmuffin
without the Egg
just an infinity of empty bun instead

When you look at a pigeon
do you ever wonder what religion
it has, or hasn’t?
or if religion is entirely absent
in fowl?
and how’ll
you cope
if you get to the pearly gates and ask if they have any birds in there and they say nope?

the fact is
death as an act is
entirely passive
but the overall impact is massive
because really it’s everything
and nothing
all at once
and comes at a person on multiple fronts
from the holiest saints to the most unutterable non-saintly characters

if anyone ever frowns, looks me in the eye
and asks what I think happens when you die
I sigh
and try
to look confident
say I’m not hindu or muslim or protestant
but just a plain ol’ human kinda animal
admittedly particularly cute and adaptable
outward looking, international
but for all this, just a humble ol’ organism
suffering from a dose of cellular determinism
trying to make sense of being alive
and doing okay before I die

But you haven’t answered my question!
you shout in my general direction
your face red with congestion
(try breathing exercises is my suggestion)

so to recap
before I get knee-capped

I think death
is more than just a clinical absence of breath
no – that’s just the physical
it might help to imagine the umbilical
cord
stretching toward
you
from the infinite womb
of Gaia, I presume
(which is to say
That Infinite Thing that brought you here today)

In other words, the Great Fertile Nothing
you got popped outta that day with a whole lotta huffing
THAT’S where you’ll be heading
the opposite of begetting
which shouldn’t be upsetting
because it’s the norm
a return to the YOU before YOU were born
i.e. Nowhere
which is only fair
because if everyone went and lived forever
we’d be jammed up with clouds and harps and whatever

Religion? – I get it
but in my case forget it
I’ll live my life and do my best
then dive in the void for a nice long rest

and death didst come to me as in a dream
and I didst sit bolt upright in bed and scream
and my pajamas verily most heavily didst cream

Jiiiiiimmmmmmmyyyyyy he said
floating sulphurously over the bed

am I dead I said
no don’t worry he said
at least not yet

so what the hell is it
some kinda sick social visit

so…I don’t know… it was just getting boring
he said, yawning
then carefully resetting his jaw in the sling
he had to wear
round his skull instead of hair
to keep his jaw there

what d’ya mean – eternity?
I mean – you’ve got my sympathy
mate, but as far as I can see
that’s nothing to do with me
you’re having a laugh
I’ve got to get up in an hour and a half

somebody’s grumpy he said
maybe you should try going to bed
a weensy bit earlier at night
then maybe you wouldn’t be so clippy, alright?

yeah? well I heard death could be agonising
but I’d rather have that than patronising

don’t be mean, he said
sadly descending to the foot of the bed
where he smouldered with a strange intensity
that lacked discernible heat or density
which I have to admit was all pretty new to me

sorry, I said – you caught me off guard
I try to be understanding but it’s hard
especially when you’re so freakin’ charred
does that mean hell is hot
or not
is there a God?
Jesus Christ I hope not

actually no there isn’t
he sighed
carefully putting his scythe aside
crooking one bony knee over the other
idly picking fluff from my cover

you see – Jimmy – God is just a story you tell
about angels, prophets, heaven and hell
a touching way of making sense
of the fundamental questions of existence
to which the answer is oxygen and carbon
and if I’ve rocked your world I beg your pardon

okay – so – I don’t get it
Death comes to visit
and you want me to forget it?

I’m an allegory, dear
a gorgeous but hokey souvenir
a byproduct of consciousness
he said, clapping his phalanges
you mortals really are such a tease
you ask about God – well…take a look around
there are millions of deities to be found
in any place you care to look
from Weston-super-Mare to Çatalhöyük
I could talk you through the creation myths
but there’s nothing duller than shopping lists

he gaped at me
gappily
seemingly quite happily
with what I took to be affection
and I have to admit the conversation
was heading in a wholly unexpected direction

so.. how am I supposed to feel
now that I know that God’s not real?

Who knows? said Death as the clock struck twelve
you’ll just have to figure it out for yourself
and with a hopelessly boney stamp
and an inexplicable but theatrical dimming of the lamp
he flashed me a look that was scary but appealing
then shot straight up through the bedroom ceiling

I sat there wondering what I’d just seen
I mean
for someone supposedly fictional
he was pretty vocal and visual

but just as I lay back on the pillow
there was another booming billow
of fire and smoke
and the very same cloaky bloke
came floating back

Whaaaat? I said
sitting up in bed
Was that all a joke?
Were you toying with me?
Don’t be silly
he said
tip-toeing round the bed
trying to act all cool & blythe
I just came back to fetch my scythe

when you’re dead, you’re dead / with one definitive snip of the thread / away you float / head first down eternity’s capacious throat / or / maybe death is just a door / maybe you die and you go somewhere else / your consciousness melts / and you get sucked into another realm / Valhalla, maybe, with Odin posing at the helm / or Nirvana / Jannah, Trāyastriṃśa / Aukumea / variations on the idea of the holy layer / domes & levels / supervised by countless angels & devils / where finally you might get rewarded / for all those good deeds you meticulously hoarded / or punished for those you forgot / and pitched headfirst to somewhere hot / where all the tormented entities / gargle lava & prod each other with horrible utilities / like long-handled toasting forks / (according to the most reliable reports)

fact is / no-one understands it / as Shakespeare rightly pointed out in Hamlet / death is an undiscovered country from whose bourn no traveler returns / or blogs about their concerns / no pics on Flickr / Instagram or Twitter / or anything that might shed light on the guff / behind all that Life Ever After stuff / which is probably why these myths are so persistent / with so many contradictory versions co-existent

anyway / at the end of the day / it’ll probably just be like before I was born / people shopping and mowing the lawn / or things a little more obnoxious / with me, happily unconscious / circling the earth in a random atomic cook-up / just waiting for my mum & dad to hook-up