Rishi Sunak
vote car
seven bins sunak speaks to the nation
so after careful consideration
I present to the nation
those policies no longer for implementation:
a tax on condiments, especially ketchup
the legal obligation to go to a costume party and dress up
like an astronaut, or alternatively, Fred Astaire
a tax on old bears
especially those in such a state of poor repair
their freakish and lopsided expressions frankly scare
a tax on stairs
or any stair-related products
a tax on terrible twins (aka Castor & Pollux)
a tax on molluscs
funding to fix the nation’s gut biome
funding to help kids build homes
for rabbits, hamsters or gerbils
extra taxation on vexatious and unreliastic commercials
particularly washing powder and cars
a tax on Mars bars
a tax on large jars
impossible to open without spilling
a tax on cheese grilling
or any late-night, snack-related activity
restrictions on the use of radioactivity
for home lighting
any obligation to watch WWF fighting
and groan
any obligation to pick up a banana and pretend it is a phone
no to pant laws
specifying how many old pairs you can keep in your drawers
without acknowledging the many and egregious holes in the gussets
and I’m sorry but we refuse any calls to discuss this
further
no tax on Werther’s
Originals
no tax on words with more than three syllables
no tax on invisibles
(such as ghosts)
and finally it’s a NO to a tax on toast
as you can see we are a serious government
utilising powers of great insight and judgement
guiding this country through choppy waters
(honestly, spads, it’s like lambs to the slaughter)
the (un)divine comedy
They should put up a big red sign at Dover
a block print banner to flutter over
the border kiosks around the port
(to give you plenty of time to abort):
Abandon all hope, ye who enter here
which reads a little way south of severe
but let’s be honest and riotously clear
we’ve suffered the Tories for twelve long years
I mean – Dante described nine circles of Hell
but even HE would’ve baulked at TWELVE
We’ve had Cameron and his referendum
The Maybot jerking ad infinitum
the virus years of Boris the Clown
piffling and waffling, his pants falling down
and when he was finally tossed with the trash
a million years of a leadership clash
which no-one could vote for – SO ironic
ending up with Trussonomics
which kicked a hole in the economy – thanks
so she got fired for spooking the banks
and now the Austerity Brothers, Sunak & Hunt
who say they’re honest but let’s be blunt
one’s a banker and the other’s a former health minister, I think?
but
at least the PM knows about struggle
with worries that’d make the rest of us buckle
it must be hard getting by when you’re wealthy
houses in Kensington, apartments in Chelsea
mansions in Yorkshire, Santa Monica
that’s why you’ll find him playing harmonica
‘Spare some change? I’m overwhelmed;
those swimming pools won’t fill themselves’
anyway
two more years and then we vote
one last chance to stay afloat
but if that fails then – shrug – oh well
I’ll skateboard screaming through the circles of hell
status update XXI
I’m the snores not applause / at the end of the Blackpool Tory chorus / shaken awake and stampeding for the doors / too little Capricorn, too much Taurus / the clean up bill enormous / corporate fraud & tax avoidance / cockiness next to godliness / now – it’s all been rather nice / but I see you’re missing the old school tie / so here’s some advice / run for the gates and don’t think twice / I’ll count to five…
I’m checking the CCTV from time to time / counting all the robots waiting in line / system code like nursery rhymes / programmed to believe in better times / circuit soup, nuts & bolts pie
Eat less, do more – is THAT what your message is? / There needs no ghost, come from the grave, To tell me this / anyway – for your information? / I’ve already had that conversation / relax, max / I got the app / every last crumb of that cake is mapped
Words flail me / assail & nail me / totally top n’tail me / my pen impales me / Vlad the Impaler’s smiling – that twisted ol’ cat / but he misses the point and I turn him down flat / I’d do anything for love (but I won’t do that)
I’m the snail of failure slowly going crazy / dreaming of home but my memory’s hazy / draggin’ my slimy ass to the line / the world on my back the whole goddamn time
I’m Donald Trump / slumped / waving top of the garbage dump / Make America Great Again! / yeah? – well it’s been grating constantly since way back when
I’m Dishy Rishy in fiscal drag / dipping for lippy in a Gucci bag / leaning back, lighting a fag / saying l’m shagged / I’m like – totally done with your poverty / your endless talk of economic robbery / inequality / but you see? / what really bothers me? / your hair’s a mess and your shoes a monstrosity / now get the hell off my adorable property
Give us this day our daily bread / a car for the drive and a gun for the bed / you wished on a star and got this shit instead
jim clayton 