what you will need:
essence of fox
zest of wolf
sloth extract
some bagpipes
a whisk
a balloon
a clock
3m of curly white carpet
a big box with nothing in it
packing tape

method:
Preheat the oven to gas mark 3 (to heat up your dinner while you’re working)
Cut six holes in the big box – one in front, one out back, four underneath.
Place the bagpipes in the box with the four long pipes poking through the underneath holes.
Put the pipe you blow through the back hole.
Put the whisk in the front hole.
Throw in the essence, the zest and the extract.
Wind up the clock and chuck it in.
Close the box.
Seal the box with packing tape.
Blow up the balloon. Draw eyes, nose & mouth on it. Stick it on the end of the whisk.
Cover the box with the curly white carpet.
Have your dinner (sneaking Stanley some cheese when no one’s looking.)

1 The Lurcher is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to get the lead down and walk him in green pastures: he draggeth me beside the muddy streams.
3 He outdoors my soul: He leadeth me in the paths of excitedness for his games’ sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of daffodils, I will fear no teazel: for thou art with me (somewhere – who knows?); thy run and thy woof they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest before me for beagle, or Bichon Frises on extension leads; thou annoyest my head with howls; my patience runneth over.
6 Surely dogness and treats shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lurcher forever, and never have enough room on the sofa.

I believe in dog
primarily because
dog does as dog should
dog sniffs around the neighbourhood
and smells that it is good

in the beginning
was the word
and the word was dog
and he quickly got soggy
because the woods were hellishly boggy
after the floods
but yea was he cleansed with suds

dog the lather
dog the suds
dog the toasty towelling
dog the growling
with pleasure
because verily he doth appreciate a rough towelling
without measure

ah dogs

from Diversions:
dog the chaser
dog the squeaky octopus displacer
dog the cheese grazer
dog the odd and crazy behaviour
dog the lazy snoozer
dog the hoover
dog the chewer
dog the rapturous window viewer
dog the sigh communicator
dog the hole creator
in the sofa
even though
we use a throw
in the hope
it wilt dissuade him
but lo
you know
verily it doth not faze him

from St Stanley’s Epistles to the Bristles:
‘and we didst go for a walk into the woods
and the walk was wet but quite springlike and good
and we didst meet upon the path a terrier called Reggie
and my Owner didst chat unto Reggie’s owner
and didst make this joke:

‘Verily if thou hast a dog called Reggie
then must thou get thyself another dog
and this other dog shalt thou name Ronnie’
and Reggie’s owner did laugh most politely
and move to the side of the path ever so slightly
and the walk didst continue
and the world was made anew
with a tripe stick treat for me to chew’

I’m turning into Stanley
he’s morphing into me
I write in my blog
how my mind is a fog
how I’m sure we’re becoming one big dog
who snoozes
when he chooses
and generally confuses
the basket on the floor for the sofa he uses
the whole thing such a buzz
the dog that is, the man that was

now it’s Stanley going to work, not me
managing quite effectively
only struggling because
he needs hands not claws
to neatly unwrap a pack of gauze
and grizzles a bunch
and wolfs his lunch
in a messy old crunch
and his deadly farts pack quite a punch
but still – I’m just a beginner
humans are ace but dogs are a winner

I can’t wait to tell you all about
the amazing thing I just found out
(quite accidentally)
Stanley isn’t Stanley
not a rescue lurcher but apparently
a traveller from the pet planet Wetnosa
and the reason he spends so much time on the sofa
is he’s busy transmitting secret data
to the bassets and beagles back home in the crater
the great big basket operations centre
topped by a quivering, bone-shaped antenna
receiving all the growls and barks
and collating them into complex charts
looked over by a chihuahua, completely hairless
who acts intrigued but really couldn’t care less