status update XX

I’m Mr Old Testament / adjusting my robes, questioning the experiment / out of touch, out of my element / high in the sky in my hipster beard and shit / finally admitting it / this is one unholy mess and I’m quitting it / having a messy, messianic fit / that’s me in the corner, losing my religion / the Cook’s gone crazy in the heavenly kitchen / losing His purpose / losing His focus / wondering what’s left to serve – plagues or locusts

I’m a butcher in Gucci, a gangster in spats / I’m Mikhail Mouse in Armani combats / fancy that? / no – not really / I mean that most sincerely / I’m tired of these unsolicited dictator pics / why are people still such gluttons / for autocrats posing with fingers on buttons? / bad boys in the media / political toxaemia / Putin the boot in to Wikipedia / rebranding Russian social media / Instagrim, TikCop, Erasebook, Twister / putting the bad in vlad and the misery in mister / the winters hard and cruel and slow / while Putin jigs like old Gepetto / flattening countries and torching ghettos / carving out his malign portfolio / Boris Johnson as Political Pinocchio / I’m a reeeeaalll boy / but who gets annoyed / when his nose grows so big he can’t avoid / everyone laughing when he waffles and rambles / his hair in a shambles / his Russian strings in such terrible tangles / he strangles / anyone so dim / to think of standing close to him

I’m an influencer pirate / swinging in for selfies at the latest riot / fifteen cops on a dead man’s chest / yo ho ho and a kevlar vest / access all areas with a pass marked press / in a skull & crossbones party dress / pouting in amazement / setting things up on the flaming pavement / for some molotov cocktail product placement

I’m the creature from the black lagoon / who believed the hype and rose too soon / now I’m lying like a love-lorn loon / in a witness-protection motel room / staring at the parking lot. howling at the moon / missing the swamp, the buzz of mosquitos / living on Love is Blind and microwave burritos

Because everything always comes with a price / don’t read the small print, don’t think twice / from hammers and sickles to stars and stripes / lighting up the sleepless city nights / with heavy duty explosive delights / Lucy in the sky with cluster bombs / medals of gold, silver and bronze / provisioned bunkers for neo cons / but in the end what’ll we have to show for it? / the collapse of civilisation as we know it / some tragic, patriotic pageant queen / taking one last selfie in a submarine / somewhere off the Philippines / as the ice cap melts / the statue of liberty tilts / and everyone runs around screaming on stilts / and there’s nothing left to say / except Oyeh! Oyeh! / welcome to the last great segue / humanity’s ultimate passing-out parade / where one day / it’s headlines and military displays / the next it’s wastelands and tardigrades

status update XVIII

I’m Sunak in sliders sucking a popsicle / Truss on a bus and Boris in hospital / nicely stage managed but getting uncomfortable / crowd scenes biblical / placards & principles / typical / I thought we made this woke shit criminal? / we can tell from here they know it’s over / so we run for cover / out of the shit and into clover / ride in the back of a bullet-proof motor / with a crux of champers and a special branch chauffeur / on a rollercoaster road trip to Greece / live tweeted except for the Russian meets / lying as we lie on our loungers on the beach / paying off the police / working on gags for the after dinner speech

I’m ET with his ship on the meter / sticking my neck out saying take me to your leader / but cops will be cops and follow procedure / they brutalise, ziptie the crying creature / think I’m Iranian / possibly Canadian / deport me home as an illegal alien

I’m Scooby Doo / five o’clock shadow and Velma tattoo / snarling at the screws / in the state calaboose / desperate for news / struggling to get through / on the attorney line to the Cartoon Zoo

I’m Jesus on Kimmel / hair by Ferretti eyes by Rimmel / talking about his new book Sacrificial / initially charming / but progressively more alarming / till the producers / worried about revenues and viewers / pull the plug on the studio computers / and Jimmy says shit / that wasn’t in the script / I didn’t anticipate that one little bit / I can only apologise most sincerely for it / and Jesus lifts his eyes to camera 3 / says My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? / can’t you let something go right for me occasionally?

I’m Puff the Homeless Dragon / flaggin’ down a wagon / outta breath and outta luck / fuck / they took the cave when I couldn’t pay / now I’m headin’ for the capital / with all the other fictional radicals / to see what’s cooking and find something flammable

I’m Putin / smiling and putting the route in / to Google maps / scratching my scrote through my John Wayne chaps / while Surge the Purge Lavrov snaps / his antique Red Army braces / photoshopping our faces / onto famous people in famous places / saying Vladdy? / everybody’s favourite, Bond-style baddy? / are you ready? / C’mon! Let’s send tanks to spit some gravel / in a kick-ass convoy down the road less travelled

I’m running a temperature, taking stock / shivering quietly in the dock / I wouldn’t normally call but you’ve always been my rock / and it’s fast approaching midnight on my Elvis clock

status update XIII

I’m a titanic ten tonne crab / tin can opening a JCB cab / with one fine and furious dab / of its bastard, barnacled claws / whilst the driver dives headfirst through the buckled digger doors / and sprawls / calling and bawling on the pebbly shore / desperately imploring / the abominable crustacean to ignore him / it wasn’t his idea / to start excavations for a new pier / but the crab doesn’t appear / to hear / tosses him down with a monstrous sneer

I’m a southern, soothing, suburban dominatrix / equally lovely in leather or latex / dishing out red pills to show them my matrix / I’ve got off-street parking, free wifi and rope tricks / professionally edited video and dope pics / ignore the reviews – I hate those pricks / my shit is fit, it tastes like weetabix

I’m Galileo / on an interplanetary go slow / dreaming about giving the pope the old heave-ho / chuckling through the wrong end of a bargain bin telescope

I’m sad Sir Lancelot / finally barred from Camelot / off my visor in the parking lot / asking Arthur if the Lady of the Lake is hot / using the Holy Grail as a chamber pot / throwing my tin can legs on my horse but it’s shot / won’t even trot / and I’m sure I’ve got / another one somewhere but I forgot / and I call for my squire because the last time I looked I was still a knight but unfortunately the squire says because of my embarrassing behaviour apparently I’m not

I’m a snoozy Yakuza in the jacuzzi / idly nibbling sashimi with my sushi / one eye on my iphone, one on my Uzi

I’m a reliably pliable MP / conscience and rent free / hear-hearing endlessly / perpetuating the rich white hegemony / just another well-dressed tick / gorging on the body politic / saying there here are more things in heaven and earth Horatio / like off-shore havens and autofellatio