status update XXVIII

I’m Wilsaaaaaahn out in the wild sea drifting / slowly turning, rolling, lifting / smeary smile & bloody shanks / finally away from beardy Hanks / just me, the sky & the sea birds, thanks

And that’s me, scrawling in the sand with a stick / bawling when the sea creeps over it / wiping it slick / but at least the whole thing’s over quick / because time and tide wait for no one / from Donald J Trump to Frosty the Snowman / when it’s gone, it’s gone / there’s nothing to be done / the earth still rolling round the sun / Mars – corner pocket – in off the red / let’s put this cosmic dance to bed / this paper chain of teeth n’bones / remote controls & mobile phones / tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow / providence in the fall of a sparrow / Shakespeare had the whole thing sussed / basically life’s a busted flush / in fire we trust / I’ll dance on the beach, you pray if you must

status update XXVII

I’m a five star general in a two star diner / a glutton unbuttoned on a grimy recliner / listening to advisors / advise about the sizes / of the sundry survivors / the medal wearing hardons in the hadron collider / while you listen and glisten / with sweat from the neck because heck you’re out of condition / positioning yourself in line with the bucks / the right wing press and the army trucks / the gourmet butchers in paper tux / the sweet dollar flux / of a life lived in luck / luxury lines at discount rates / but wait / your words flail me / roll me over and assail me / and the best I can manage / is a little brave smile and collateral damage / so what am I missing / I went for a smoke in the intermission / the rowdy crowd wowed into submission / by the sick and sudden collapse / of the erstwhile clown and king of the rats / who dreamed of robots queuing in line / programmed to wait for better times / system code like nursery rhymes / hey diddle diddle / the whole thing’s a fiddle / the cow blew up like a balloon / the little dog unpleasant / on antidepressants / and the dish ran away with the spoon / too soon? / and excuse me for asking but where was the moon / in this dumb ass tune? / wasn’t that supposed to be part of the business? / what IS this? / I want explanations / not twitter evasions / they don’t fitcha / so go shake’ your shit like a polaroid picture / keep things snappy till we come to evict you

let me out here – I think this is my full stop .

status update XXVI

Cruise at the food bank, mission impossible
can’t figure out who he thinks is responsible
worked his whole life and couldn’t work faster
ended up fighting over a bag of pasta

I’m an oil baron with a pocket politician / jeering at the dreary predictions / while stashing profits and stalling transition / crux and caviar and cigars all round / as I scorch the air and torch the ground / till the smoky day inevitably comes / when the air is filled with scary drums / and by the pricking of my thumbs / something furious this way comes / and I blanch and shriek and slam the doors / of the country bunker with ingots underfloor / I mean – sure / I made billions but there’s nowhere to spend it / and a storm is breaking and it’s too late to mend it / so I take out my antique revolver and end it

You broke out the ouija board
scratched the itch
the seance went without a hitch
a blast of cold air and a frozen witch

What’s that you say, Scarlett? / something about the UK market? / tomorrow’s another day? / well o-kay / but c’mon / things have moved on / even you can see enough’s enough / we’re tired of the same old trickle down stuff / the constant beating and retreating / the constant bullshit business meetings / CEOs like melanoma / rooting deep and taking over / but watch out / they won’t go easy no doubt / he who laughs last might well laugh longest / but a police response is always strongest

I’m the sneeze in the shopping mall
the greenie in the lamp
life-sized Lego tanks rolling off the ramp
skies of blue, seas of green
in our Trident submarine

Mary Poppins says come on! spit spot / when I clap my hands, show me what you’ve got / in your carpet bag or eastpak or whatnot / don’t be shy and don’t be clever / no is final but yes is forever / that’s it! let’s see a little more can-do spirit / with a smile and a song I’m sure we can fix it / there’s just enough sugar on the spoon to go round / to help the fluoxetine go down

status update XXV

I’m a punk, cosplay rule Britannia / sugar water hair and saltwater manner / rusty penny farthing with a broken wicker pannier / waving a dustbin lid and spanner / exhausted from fronting / all the laws the government’s corrupting / till I’m dragged from the saddle and tied up with bunting / to a stake at the heart of the midsummer fete / by mad morris dancers who just can’t wait / raging and chanting and dancing round the square / shaking their bells and bladders in the air / as the faggots snap and the straw bales flare / and I wave to the public up in the stands / shouting Come on in, the bonfire’s grand!

A tisket, a Tasket / question? don’t ask it / it puts the lotion in the basket / while we sit with our popcorn and gobble up the shocks / Brad’s gun shaking saying what’s in the box / Gwyneth and her Goopy locks / who kissed a frog and got monkeypox / a bunch of daffs and a box of chocs / this stuff rocks / so just breathe and allow it / maybe like me you can’t live without it / and if not – shrug – it’s finished, over / no credits, refunds, definitely no closure / guilty of underperforming and overexposure / good – that’ll show him / that’s what you get for writing a poem

But hey! Donald J Trump is back on the scene! / introducing a beauty queen / with a message of peace and an AR15 / but he goes off cue / straightens his wig and speaks directly to you / what the fuck does he want us to do? / go home, we love you, you’re very special / but first take your clothes off, I wanna see ya wrestle / shrug – it’s just another monster we made / from recycled films and gatorade / we’re a sucker for stunts and a big parade / it’s a simple question of economics / a firm handshake and flag semiotics / media optics / liberal neurotics / shut up and finish the antibiotics

Relax! / I saw on Twitter Jesus is back / delayed off the plane by an attack of the snacks / picking up socks and a script for Xanax / but once he’s got his sandals straight / and finally made it through the gate / he’ll jump in a taxi and I can’t wait / to see him give his sermon on the mount / on TikTok or wherever the fuck this shit comes out / ‘cos the cattle are lowing, the baby awakes / and they’re about to storm the stable with whatever it takes

I’m buffering on the edge of disaster / a glass of warm water and a sticking plaster / fearing the end but wanting it faster / while Dorothy smiles and sings Somewhere Over the Rainbow / which is sweet and all but I just don’t know / as fantasy destinations go / there aren’t many deals out of Gatwick or Heathrow / meanwhile / I’m slumped in the chair a prisoner of freestyle / spiritually flat, poetically senile / pen as in penile / drooling while the mice are playing / and whilst I love the optimism they’re displaying / all I’m saying / is just supposing / the exits aren’t opening but slowly closing / and the cat’s not sleeping but only dozing

status update XXIV

My heart is heavy and my head is busting / watching these Tories out on the husting / banging on about faith & trusting / all the lies they’re busily thrusting / down the nation’s gagging throat / in a beauty pageant to win the vote / of 200,000 true blue members / especially those that still remember / with a dreamy kinda rinsed blue rapture / the sacred figure of Margaret Thatcher / patron saint of benefit snatchers / who rode a cock horse to Banbury Cross / and slayed the dragon of the union boss / and was never a lady much for turning / not even when the cities were burning / but sank a goodly number of ships / and used her handbag hard on the whips / and where there was discord, brought forth harmony / and where there was Irish, brought forth army / and where there was discord, brought a little hope / especially if it came with a rope / a trident missile and a periscope / a riot shield and a baton charge / oh tell me where thou resteth, Marge? / for verily we need thee back in charge / your blood may have been bitter as the xenomorph from Alien / your hairdo hard, your compassion subterranean / but at least there was a certain rusty heft / to the way you set about gutting the left / and though my loathing transcended this earth / you make this current bunch look like the smurfs

status update XX

I’m Mr Old Testament / adjusting my robes, questioning the experiment / out of touch, out of my element / high in the sky in my hipster beard and shit / finally admitting it / this is one unholy mess and I’m quitting it / having a messy, messianic fit / that’s me in the corner, losing my religion / the Cook’s gone crazy in the heavenly kitchen / losing His purpose / losing His focus / wondering what’s left to serve – plagues or locusts

I’m a butcher in Gucci, a gangster in spats / I’m Mikhail Mouse in Armani combats / fancy that? / no – not really / I mean that most sincerely / I’m tired of these unsolicited dictator pics / why are people still such gluttons / for autocrats posing with fingers on buttons? / bad boys in the media / political toxaemia / Putin the boot in to Wikipedia / rebranding Russian social media / Instagrim, TikCop, Erasebook, Twister / putting the bad in vlad and the misery in mister / the winters hard and cruel and slow / while Putin jigs like old Gepetto / flattening countries and torching ghettos / carving out his malign portfolio / Boris Johnson as Political Pinocchio / I’m a reeeeaalll boy / but who gets annoyed / when his nose grows so big he can’t avoid / everyone laughing when he waffles and rambles / his hair in a shambles / his Russian strings in such terrible tangles / he strangles / anyone so dim / to think of standing close to him

I’m an influencer pirate / swinging in for selfies at the latest riot / fifteen cops on a dead man’s chest / yo ho ho and a kevlar vest / access all areas with a pass marked press / in a skull & crossbones party dress / pouting in amazement / setting things up on the flaming pavement / for some molotov cocktail product placement

I’m the creature from the black lagoon / who believed the hype and rose too soon / now I’m lying like a love-lorn loon / in a witness-protection motel room / staring at the parking lot. howling at the moon / missing the swamp, the buzz of mosquitos / living on Love is Blind and microwave burritos

Because everything always comes with a price / don’t read the small print, don’t think twice / from hammers and sickles to stars and stripes / lighting up the sleepless city nights / with heavy duty explosive delights / Lucy in the sky with cluster bombs / medals of gold, silver and bronze / provisioned bunkers for neo cons / but in the end what’ll we have to show for it? / the collapse of civilisation as we know it / some tragic, patriotic pageant queen / taking one last selfie in a submarine / somewhere off the Philippines / as the ice cap melts / the statue of liberty tilts / and everyone runs around screaming on stilts / and there’s nothing left to say / except Oyeh! Oyeh! / welcome to the last great segue / humanity’s ultimate passing-out parade / where one day / it’s headlines and military displays / the next it’s wastelands and tardigrades

status update XVIII

I’m Sunak in sliders sucking a popsicle / Truss on a bus and Boris in hospital / nicely stage managed but getting uncomfortable / crowd scenes biblical / placards & principles / typical / I thought we made this woke shit criminal? / we can tell from here they know it’s over / so we run for cover / out of the shit and into clover / ride in the back of a bullet-proof motor / with a crux of champers and a special branch chauffeur / on a rollercoaster road trip to Greece / live tweeted except for the Russian meets / lying as we lie on our loungers on the beach / paying off the police / working on gags for the after dinner speech

I’m ET with his ship on the meter / sticking my neck out saying take me to your leader / but cops will be cops and follow procedure / they brutalise, ziptie the crying creature / think I’m Iranian / possibly Canadian / deport me home as an illegal alien

I’m Scooby Doo / five o’clock shadow and Velma tattoo / snarling at the screws / in the state calaboose / desperate for news / struggling to get through / on the attorney line to the Cartoon Zoo

I’m Jesus on Kimmel / hair by Ferretti eyes by Rimmel / talking about his new book Sacrificial / initially charming / but progressively more alarming / till the producers / worried about revenues and viewers / pull the plug on the studio computers / and Jimmy says shit / that wasn’t in the script / I didn’t anticipate that one little bit / I can only apologise most sincerely for it / and Jesus lifts his eyes to camera 3 / says My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? / can’t you let something go right for me occasionally?

I’m Puff the Homeless Dragon / flaggin’ down a wagon / outta breath and outta luck / fuck / they took the cave when I couldn’t pay / now I’m headin’ for the capital / with all the other fictional radicals / to see what’s cooking and find something flammable

I’m Putin / smiling and putting the route in / to Google maps / scratching my scrote through my John Wayne chaps / while Surge the Purge Lavrov snaps / his antique Red Army braces / photoshopping our faces / onto famous people in famous places / saying Vladdy? / everybody’s favourite, Bond-style baddy? / are you ready? / C’mon! Let’s send tanks to spit some gravel / in a kick-ass convoy down the road less travelled

I’m running a temperature, taking stock / shivering quietly in the dock / I wouldn’t normally call but you’ve always been my rock / and it’s fast approaching midnight on my Elvis clock

status update XIII

I’m a titanic ten tonne crab / tin can opening a JCB cab / with one fine and furious dab / of its bastard, barnacled claws / whilst the driver dives headfirst through the buckled digger doors / and sprawls / calling and bawling on the pebbly shore / desperately imploring / the abominable crustacean to ignore him / it wasn’t his idea / to start excavations for a new pier / but the crab doesn’t appear / to hear / tosses him down with a monstrous sneer

I’m a southern, soothing, suburban dominatrix / equally lovely in leather or latex / dishing out red pills to show them my matrix / I’ve got off-street parking, free wifi and rope tricks / professionally edited video and dope pics / ignore the reviews – I hate those pricks / my shit is fit, it tastes like weetabix

I’m Galileo / on an interplanetary go slow / dreaming about giving the pope the old heave-ho / chuckling through the wrong end of a bargain bin telescope

I’m sad Sir Lancelot / finally barred from Camelot / off my visor in the parking lot / asking Arthur if the Lady of the Lake is hot / using the Holy Grail as a chamber pot / throwing my tin can legs on my horse but it’s shot / won’t even trot / and I’m sure I’ve got / another one somewhere but I forgot / and I call for my squire because the last time I looked I was still a knight but unfortunately the squire says because of my embarrassing behaviour apparently I’m not

I’m a snoozy Yakuza in the jacuzzi / idly nibbling sashimi with my sushi / one eye on my iphone, one on my Uzi

I’m a reliably pliable MP / conscience and rent free / hear-hearing endlessly / perpetuating the rich white hegemony / just another well-dressed tick / gorging on the body politic / saying there here are more things in heaven and earth Horatio / like off-shore havens and autofellatio