L? / what the HELL? / (Latin for fifty) thanks for the intel / but – sorry to disabuse ya / it might as well be L for loser / L for laborious word producer / L for lightweight literary manoeuvre / L for lame attempts at humour / hilarious as a doctor confirming the rumour by miming the word for metastasizing tumour / L for lairy media consumer / (it’s taken me YEARS to reach this letter / you’d think I’d have rhymes that suited it better)

so

anyway

I’m a bichon frise pulling a heist / I’m Briggs’ Snowman getting iced / I’m Wile E Coyote vs Jesus Christ / bulging head in an Acme vice / I’m a certified wreck in big fat glasses / no idea where his head or his arse is / thus qualifying for government passes / as the ikebana beast of a thousand vases / I’m a doll in a diner / a dozy climber / a comedy puppet on a white star liner / dancing while the stern rears higher / the Captain snoring on a bougie recliner / I’m fast approaching absolute zero / a feckless fake and surrogate hero / I’m Florence Pugh as Robert de Niro / I’m a Dignitas drive-by in a retail park / I’m Indy giving in and looking at the Ark / ending up like the Nazi crew / who melt pretty quick into fascist goo / cos God is love but what the fuck / if you mess around with His shit, good luck

I’m a perp with a harp, a snail with a halo / the writing equivalent of poetry drano / I’m a flaming text / an awkward flex / a nervous witch with a first-time hex / King Kong putting on giant specs / I’m monkeypox, zoonotic bats / the end of the world with falafel wraps / close to something, close to collapse / a narcoleptic addicted to naps / a politician nodding and saying perhaps / none of this working / all of it hurting / working the ropes on the L-themed curtain…

in summary, then:

I’m Cary Grant and the Fondant Fancies

I’m Paul Newman and the Sauce Captains

I’m Selena Gomez and the Fountains of Grace

Isiah: And the wolf and the lamb shall feed together / the wolf won’t enjoy it whatsoever / while the lamb she owns her shit she’s clever / reads the runes, reads the weather / sees the set-up / doesn’t get het-up / the wolf goes home and trolls no let-up / but the lamb’s in control / posts a poll / glory hallelujah or glory hole / all goes to plan / the wolf cops a ban / while she makes a killing on OnlyLambs

Braverman, Braverman / abracadaver fan / out of the crypt to creep up the ladder man / warm as a body bag, sharp as a cramp / aura of chloroform, top note of damp / shoes of a psycho, suits of a vamp / humanity cavity / lightweight no gravity / viciousness vented / deeply demented / id not hid but ego dented / rancid ambassador / poisonous parameters / medusa’s a loser snakes are for amateurs / waving her flag, raging at boats / would transport her mother for ten more votes

So…erm…whatever you’re thinking there’s a law against it / I’m sorry but they sold it off and fenced it / marches charged and rules upended / courts defriended / giving it all the government’s got / a cross between Clarkson and Oakenshott / dive down the ranking / country’s tanking / you’re only safe if you work in banking / lighting cigars with a bill of rights / doesn’t the army look beautiful tonight?

Dream sequence: May I? says Jesus, my A.I. butler / a cross between He-Man and Ivor Cutler / ever-present, hyper-aware / says rude things but I don’t care / blushing at his language, laughing at his gripes / as he fucks me breathless with chromium pipes / cleaning me up with hygienic wipes / a floozy in the jacuzzi / a diamond doozy / occasionally crazy but I’m not choosy

M’lud – I hardly think the jury needs reminding / not a word of this rap is legally binding

A figure of fun whenever I flex / a wayward witch with a dodgy hex / sex on legs but the legs are wonky / hairy as a goddamn donkey / shabby n’shonky / itchy n’glitchy / singing a song but sounding pitchy / flapping like a flunky / back on Monday / diary to shit and the chocolate chunky / bagga nerves, sick of it / next in line and fine with it

But what’s that clunk? / a fault you thunk? / the hatch just cracked and the submarine sunk / you’re flat on your bunk / in a flop sweat funk / your eyes pop out and you lose your junk / how cheerfully you seem to grin / and welcome little fishes in

Macbeth’s back on the ChatGPT / about Act 5 apparently / Lear on the street / rats on his feet / says they’re his slippers and ain’t that sweet / Prospero and Caliban / camping in a caravan / going to Comic Con, both as Batman / Ariel swoops in late as Robin / does some magically tragic hobnobbing / but not as bad as pixie Puck / who doesn’t give a flying you-hoo

I’m a country boy who knows his onions / restraining orders, court injunctions / veterinary tests, farmyard functions / following all the text instructions / causing ructions / Spiderman without the suction / whacked not woke / sparingly spoke / asks for a rise, they think it’s a joke

Give us this day our daily litre / lines for Paul and shots for Peter / demon cops with tape and tarps / to shut down heaven and haul off harps

Woke up early, unexpectedly me / thought I was human but found I’m a tree / tried to walk and shake the dream / but my boots were roots so I stood and screamed

Pinocchio farts and jumps the table / Gepetto starts and chokes on his bagel / it’s almost fatal / but the fairy knows Heimlich and for that we’re grateful / puppets can be a nice surprise / but it’s good to know your limits, guys

sitting comfortably? / then we’ll begin / watch as I fly us closer in…

to a frog in a suit with a fine cigar / waiting on the forecourt for his fancy car / a beetle-chauffeured bentley / wealthy evidently / looking sharp n’flippered / muscle massage, colon lavage, sauna kippered / wallet zipped / bitcoin dipped / faux political / hyper-critical / chthonic, masonic, anti-woke / not the kinda pond-life bloke / who gives two shits or a flying croak / about climate change and the so-called crisis / knows about shares and pushing up prices

watch as I soar away over town / to see what else is going down…

a puppet laughing as he cuts his strings / bored with the bug and everything / Gepetto staggering in with an axe / scared of fairies, scared of facts / out of control, can’t relax / what you might call a little reactionary / the word transitioning missing from his vocabulary / so the whole adventure unrolls inevitably / painfully slowly / lost and lonely / swinging in a cage with a mean Stromboli / pleasure island donkeys, a whale-sized ship / lampwick, screwball, corner pocket / somebody stop it! / hooves for the salt mine, father! father! / trawling the oceans his bug in a lather / but they all get saved / by the gracious wave / of the blond with the wand in the puppet arcade

stay as we brave the city lights / swoop down low from the glitzy heights…

to the Met Gala carpet, everyone arriving / paparazzi climbing / shouting and fighting / a chorus of smiles for the camera lightning / Gosling in a gimp suit, Timothy in a tux / Kardashian in a mashup of Costa coffee cups / and here comes gorgeous Kendall Jenner / in super slacks by Marks n’Spencer / a monkey and a husky / waistcoats by Swarovski / Stormzy performing in a cellophane onesie / and suddenly I’m done / and I’m flying the drone high over everyone

back to reality, back to the pad / the Holy Grail to Sir Galahad / open the window, let it in / set the drone down and plug it in / download the pics – you get the gist / tomorrow it’s yours to do as you wish / get the shots of the shit that I missed / no no I insist / now fuck this flying, let’s get pissed