this traffic app’s crap
whoever’s the developer needs a slap
you may as well give up and use a map
a dusty one from the middle ages
that runs to fifty crusty pages
marked in places here be dragons
take a right for plague and flagons
following the sun south by southwest
the roads are for horses so do your best

I must’ve been crazy
but I used one called Waze
and I don’t want to trouble you
but if you flip the W
you get Maze
which pretty much covers the tricks it plays

I mean come on
all I wanted was the M1
that’s not a hard one
the traffic spine of the country
that furred up artery
of anaemic carpuscles on endless car journeys
road rage, end stage, exhaust pipe particulates
driving it the equivalent
of de-threading a prawn
with Leeds the tail and the head good ol’ Londawn
basically the country’s alimentary tract
full of shit and that’s a fact

I asked Maze to take me there
Maze said what … THE M1…? you SURE?
I said yeah
I was prepared
antideps: check
bottle o’water: yep
I’d signed the waiver
accepting all blame for my crazy behaviour
ready to join at junction 10
vanish and never be seen again

happy daze
so anywaze
off I went
next thing I knew I was lost in Ghent
apparently
a port city
in north west Belgium
I said hmm
Maze?
you’re crazy
you couldn’t be further off the track
turn us around and take me back

five minutes later I’m at the Colosseum, Rome
80 CE the date that’s shown
the crowd are furious
but not a little curious
to see a guy in a Skoda Yeti
tooting his horn at a gladiator with a machete

I screamed Maze? this is incredible!
your orientation’s TERRIBLE
take me back to where we started

so suddenly it’s 360 million years ago
and I’m flippering my way out of a swamp, so you know

I’m texting you now to say I’ll be late
and if you could give the dog his tea that’d be great