I saw a UFO today

I saw a UFO today
they were auditing the Milky Way
probed me with a questionnaire
(I didn’t care
I wasn’t in the mood
but I didn’t want to seem rude
if they used their superior weaponry on me I’d be screwed).
it took ages
endless pages
jesus christ
I gritted my teeth and acted nice
eventually – finally – it was over
the door slid open on their interstellar rover
just before they left they thanked me for my time
covered me head to foot in slime
(something they said was a ritual amongst their folk
but one of them sniggered so I’m guessing it was a joke)
they flew away
thank god
but not
before handing me a gift that glowed in the light
‘a magic stone’ they said (oh really? yeah, right)