UK plc? It’s a wrap!

everything’s fractured
so here comes Thatcher
back from the dead in the Tory Rapture
handbag strokin’
hairdo smokin’
the shade’s not for turning, man – I’m not joking
the faithful falling at her feet
ten commandments on loud repeat
where there is discord flood the streets
with baton rounds & riot police

sing it

utilities – sell ‘em
protests – quell ‘em
if people wanna starve, go ahead let ‘em
get with the programme or go without
and if you don’t wanna look we can turn the lights out

we wanna attract ya
so let me despatch ya
a nice little contract to manufacture
some scratch for the itch
to make friends rich
drive the economy into a ditch
we make the rules
people are fools
we strip the hospitals, break the schools
close the libraries and the swimming pools

wring it

utilities – sell ‘em
protests – quell ‘em
if people wanna starve, go ahead let ‘em
get with the programme or go without
and if you don’t wanna look we can turn the lights out

like lambs to the slaughter
we poison the water
sacrifice the planet for a fiscal quarter
oil is best
greases the nest
funds the party so fuck the protest
but what the heck
it’s legal we checked
and anyway I say with the greatest respect
we can buy another planet we can go and infect

bring it

utilities – sell ‘em
protests – quell ‘em
if people wanna starve, go ahead let ‘em
get with the programme or go without
and if you don’t wanna look we can turn the lights out

we slash n’burn it
stamp the permit
save the cake and give you turnip
voters are hopeless
weak n’ boneless
make a fuss and we’ll make you homeless
so carpe diem
pay the PM
dogs of war? yeah? happy to free ‘em
we hold all the cards, man – shame you can’t see ‘em

sling it

utilities – sell ‘em
protests – quell ‘em
if people wanna starve, go ahead let ‘em
get with the programme or go without
and if you can’t bear to look we can turn the lights out

nadhim zahawi

(sung to the tune of Eleanor Rigby, with sincere apologies to Lennon & McCartney)

aah look at all the tory cronies
aah look at all the tory cronies

nadhim zahawi
picks up his tax with a lurch when the audit has been
big income streams
waits at the window
wearing the smile that he keeps in a jar by the door
for TV and more

all the tory cronies
where do they all come from
all the belusconis
where do they all belong

rich rishi sunak
practising gestures for questions that no one will hear
no one comes near
look at him working
wearing his sliders inside when there’s nobody there
selling his shares

all the tory cronies
where do they all come from
all the belusconis
where do they all belong

nadhim zahawi
lied to the house and was feted for playing the game
no sense of shame
rich rishi sunak
wiping the sleaze from his hands as he walks from the box
dreaming of stocks

all the tory cronies
where do they all come from
all the belusconis
where do they all belong

it’s all just [insert words here]

billionaires basking in gated squares / feeding fortunes, shuffling shares / phoning lawyers, tending heirs / tipping off Tories at Sunday prayers / kicking their servants down the stairs

taking cake with marie antoinette / who laughs and says she often forgets / exactly who’s who in the oubliettes

Captain James T. Musk saying wassup / boldly going and pricing it up / Doctor Zuckerberg’s sorry to interrupt / but the environmentalists are screaming earth destruct / do we blast their asses or beam them up

a deal, a drag, a tag, a tussle / off to the gym for a flex of muscle / iso drinks and the kiss of a knuckle / snap of a towel and a cheery-ass chuckle / feeling okay but your legs start to buckle

dogs of the world, unite / you’ve nothing to lose but your collars, alright? / or have you forgotten how to bite

the screams of the audience, the roar of the clown / that memorable night the top burned down

travelling, unravelling / grovelling, gravelling / border guards frowns and judges’ gavelling

deficit, surplus, transfer payments / dog eat dog and other defrayments

a jellyfish queuing at the city aquarium / likes the displays cos they often vary ‘em

CAPITALISM’S BAD FOR YOU? THAT’S what your message is? / There needs no ghost, come from the grave, To tell me this.

status update XXIX

ding dong bell / truss is in the well / who put her in / where do I begin? / some southern white voters / hedgefund bloaters / who assemble in Henley in blazers and boaters / and who pulled her out? / someone who needs paying a considerable amount

then Lear staggers in saying howl howl howl / how’ll I pay these utility bills? / cordelia? regan? goneril? / trust me he’s lost it / he had a working kingdom but he tossed it / drew a red line and crossed it / and now all he’s got is a freezing heath / some Primark sacking with nothing underneath / a stack of debt and rack of bad teeth / if he rages on much longer we’ll call the police

even though it’s such a hassle / we organise to storm the castle / so we hire a knight / who seems alright / his lance is chancey but his steed’s got fight / and he snaps down his visor and salutes the crowd / then clanks through the arch to do us all proud / and finds the dragon / out in the garden / guarding its hoard / with a sulphurous grin and a bunch o’claws / and the knight says right! and straightaway charges / and the dragon amply demonstrates what large is / and it’s over before it began / the knight stamped flat as a baked bean can / he had no chance / as the dragon burps and picks its teeth with his lance / and pretty soon the whole sky is filled with wings / all manner of dreadful, predatory things / but that’s what you get when you vote for brexit / now form a queue and head for the exit

if anyone knows of any lawful impediment / why we shouldn’t dump the poor in some offshore sediment / let them speak now or forever hold their peace / and make a donation of a million at least

status update XXI

I’m the snores not applause / at the end of the Blackpool Tory chorus / shaken awake and stampeding for the doors / too little Capricorn, too much Taurus / the clean up bill enormous / corporate fraud & tax avoidance / cockiness next to godliness / now – it’s all been rather nice / but I see you’re missing the old school tie / so here’s some advice / run for the gates and don’t think twice / I’ll count to five…

I’m checking the CCTV from time to time / counting all the robots waiting in line / system code like nursery rhymes / programmed to believe in better times / circuit soup, nuts & bolts pie

Eat less, do more – is THAT what your message is? / There needs no ghost, come from the grave, To tell me this / anyway – for your information? / I’ve already had that conversation / relax, max / I got the app / every last crumb of that cake is mapped

Words flail me / assail & nail me / totally top n’tail me / my pen impales me / Vlad the Impaler’s smiling – that twisted ol’ cat / but he misses the point and I turn him down flat / I’d do anything for love (but I won’t do that)

I’m the snail of failure slowly going crazy / dreaming of home but my memory’s hazy / draggin’ my slimy ass to the line / the world on my back the whole goddamn time

I’m Donald Trump / slumped / waving top of the garbage dump / Make America Great Again! / yeah? – well it’s been grating constantly since way back when

I’m Dishy Rishy in fiscal drag / dipping for lippy in a Gucci bag / leaning back, lighting a fag / saying l’m shagged / I’m like – totally done with your poverty / your endless talk of economic robbery / inequality / but you see? / what really bothers me? / your hair’s a mess and your shoes a monstrosity / now get the hell off my adorable property

Give us this day our daily bread / a car for the drive and a gun for the bed / you wished on a star and got this shit instead

La Lista Cabinista

Pasta boris putinesca:
corrupted with unsavoury sauce
served supine with
bunga bunga rolls & hand-pressed oligarchs

Cannelloni rishi sunacci
half baked in a mega rich ragu
served sincerely with
a faux, instaready salad

Gnocchi di mogg
deathly dumplings in a cruel victorian gravy
served drab in
a grudge of brexity grits

Ravioli di raab
pillows of pointlessness
served blank in
a thick, regretful roux

Rigatoni con la patel
cold tubes of bureaucracy
served harsh with
a terrine of lifejackets & channel water

Fettuccine dorries
wretched strands of confusion
served wild in
a stagger of embarrassing relish

Lasagna alla truss
layers of contact sheets marinaded in self-regard
served pert
with a selection of hats

Spaghetti alla shapps
a tangle of bland
served P&O
on a plate