I’m so ugly

I’m so ugly
The King & Queen of Dreadful sent me an official letter
requesting the pleasure of my company to make them look better
I’m so ugly
The Royal College of Aberration threatened to eject my sorry ass
unless I agreed to sign a formal declaration and wear a mask
I’m so ugly
I had a potato named after me
(quickly renamed after an outcry from the PMB
who said I was dragging spuds
through the muds)
I’m so ugly
a hideous dragon sobbed when it saw me advance
snorting ‘Sheesh! I wondered why you weren’t carrying a lance…’
I’m so ugly
When I look in the mirror it flips
& when I sit down to draw my face the paper rips
bawls, hurls itself into the bin
rather than bear the agony of that vile profile again
I’m so ugly
I teach Ungainliness & Abhorrence
At the Royal Academy for Awfulness & Aesthetic Sinning in Florence
I’m so ugly
I get handsomely paid to sit on the front rows
of all the best squawk, talk and funny walk shows
where the producers prize
my floundery eyes
my sense of funk
my squalid junk
my scabrous trunk
my sick sense
my leathery vents
I’m so ugly
YOU hurt
I’m so ugly
you curtsy
because as far as you can see
anyone touched by such monstrosity
must surely be some kind of royalty
I like my hands thoughugly

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