I got tired of waiting / so I posted some pics for online dating / me in this cute / astronaut suit / I hired complete / for the week / from a fancy dress place / short leg, 36 waist / for a selfie on the patio / in flagratio / sprawled on a lounger with my helmet flipped / tubes unplugged & respirator ripped / scenes of innocent, Star Whores depravity / timing the shutter to fake the gravity /

because hey – I’d been through all the usual trials / the ingenues & crocodiles / the sushi bars & supermarket aisles / the drunken dials / through tear-stained piles / of ex-files / (the truth is IN there) / racking up failure like so many airmiles / I’d spent a lifetime accruing / I mean – what was I DOING? / it felt like I’d sat for a million years / nursing bottles of overpriced beer / like Greg Kinnear / or some other sad-eyed silver fox / in a seamy, steamy sweat box / in Vauxhall / Wild Cat / Canal Street or Nollendorfplatz / or wherever the hell I woz / and looking back / as far as I was concerned / that was a lesson a long time learned / I mean – the music’s always way too loud / I feel lonely in a crowd / alcohol makes me hazy / pills make me crazy / sleepy / half the men too perfect; half too perfectly creepy /
unassailably unavailable
incredible
inedible

so anyway / unfortunately / the responses were far from complimentary / the usual deadbeats & derelicts / fake profiles and dick pics / but just when I was feeling sexually & spiritually bereft / RSI from swiping left / I got a like I liked the look of / I particularly liked the pics he took of / his black, clacking beak like a hook / I mean – the guy was hysterical! / chimerical! / so fly he was flip / as lean as a whip / I mean cracking / as a cosplay Kraken he wasn’t lacking / he’d taken such trouble / with his ray gun and shimmering nitro bubble / those rows of stark white teeth / a proboscis tossing around underneath / emitting (how fitting!) a weird & warbling song / that went on and on / and then changed into English / by a fiendish / bit of kit / a cross between a fitbit / and a Britney / strapped to his back like an external kidney / reconstituting the lines as he said ‘em / like everyone did back in Armageddon / (he said / slapping his head / with a tentacle / and in an effort to appear more conventional / produced a map and tapped a star / ‘if you go past Betelgeuse you’ve gone too far’

all in all I was very impressed / we chatted by text / arranging to meet the week after next

I knew straight away he was something special / his silver ship shaped like a giant pretzel / wobbling down onto Hampstead Heath / scattering the screaming people beneath / except a local priest / who sadly was flattened / from hat to hosiery / saying his prayers and fumbling his rosary / a PCSO / screamed in her radio / for the military / and really / they should’ve been more conciliatory / the tanks and planes / all crashing in flames / & after desperate, transatlantic talks / they flew in fleets of tomahawks / but honestly / you might as well throw trays of forks / because when the dust cloud cleared / the crowds all cheered / then stopped / totally shocked / because the ship was still parked / completely unmarked / as sweetly as before / the alien waving from behind the door

I stepped out alone / showed the generals my phone / which they huddled around / astounded / confounded / impounded it / for GCHQ / to take a security long-view / and meanwhile, in lieu / of anything better to do / & no doubt to save face / on behalf of the entire human race / asked if I’d negotiate / which was great / I mean – it was my date / and after all the shenanigans I was running late / so yeah – I went forward unattended / up the ramp the alien extended / the door shushed aside / & I tiptoed inside

a chill ran through me / the ship wasn’t roomy / it was all a bit clustery, dark and doomy / echoing and boomy / banks of fancy dials and levers / frantic assistants that looked like beavers / only with helmets and gloves / up and down ladders that descended from above / to be honest – it wasn’t that fantastic / not what you might call high-end galactic

the alien lurched into view / wearing a kaftan of shimmering blue / draped a tentacle over my shoulder / so finally we meet he smouldered / come sit on the bridge and talk with me / the space beavers scuttling frantically / to make the place ready / I thought it’d be / just you and me / he said coquettishly / but your friends are behaving quite aggressively / sorry I said / they just misread / your intentions / they’ve never seen a craft of such dimensions / and anyway, it’s a bit of a sci-fi convention / to greet an alien visitation / with outright suspicion / and half-arsed military interventions / hmmm he said / shaking his head / they’re really are impossibly thick / I mean – how do they think I got here so quick? / look at all this technology! / I think they own me a big apology / I could I could put on quite a show / with all these levers and other things you know / but there you go / come, sit with me awhile / and let’s talk about your darling little profile / it gave me such a chuckle / a little near the knuckle / but it certainly got my attention the other day / sashaying / along the milky way / a hundred thousand light years away

I’ll draw a veil over what happened next / (basically interspecies chemsex / passionate, complex) / and afterwards, fanned by a couple of beavers / we talked about all the unbelievers / the naysayers, game players and betrayers / the dreamers and schemers / the moralistic, opportunistic, institutional inbetweeners / I just wish I wasn’t the gosh darned captain / he sighed, pulling on his kaftan / but there’s a place I’ve really got to be / and the wormhole closes early at three / look – promise we’ll meet again soon / your place or the moon / I don’t care / I’m pretty much easy anywhere… / and he gave me his fitbit and britney / and after the beavers made sure it fit me / he showed me to the door / where the armies and generals were lined up as before / and the gesture he made to them was sharp and severe / his disaffection perfectly clear / so I hurried down the ramp & waved goodbye / just as the spaceship leapt into the sky

I was taken to a secret location / twenty four hour examinations / unethical sedations / guarded by alsatians / kept in isolation / for fear of contamination / really – it was beyond imagination / but at night I’d lie there staring through the bars / up at the glittering planets & stars / and wish by the light of the waning moon / my alien knight would rescue me soon

he never did. typical alien / never saw hide nor tentacle again

eventually / the military / afraid of exposure / released me on condition of non-disclosure / confiscated my phone & tablets / advised me to cultivate less risky habits

* * *

so that’s my story and every word is true
but enough about me – what about YOU?