Death comes to call (via mail merge)

Dear {first name} {last name}

Please excuse this communication
but we’re going through a rationalisation
and as you may have seen in social media
we’re modernising the whole procedure

Where formally you’d expect San La Muerte in a cloak
or a Banshee keening in a swirl of smoke
or Thanatos carrying your shade to a boat
– I’m sorry, but these were early adoptions
and currently no longer available as options

Not to mention Ankou in his corpse laden cart
collecting you when you were ready to depart
with his long white hair and cold, black heart
– well, we’ve withdrawn this model from circulation
(subject to the usual confirmation)

There was Azrail, beautiful or monstrous depending
on the quality of life the client was ending
Giltinė in her black cloak, Śmierć in white
Jogging round the boneyard in the middle of the night.
– picturesque but hardly cost-efficient choices
rarely leading to timely invoices

We had Pesta with her broom, Maaijeman with his rake
Yama on a buffalo with a lasso like a snake
Charon on the Styx for a couple of danake
– all very well but a bit out of date
Now we have fibre optic cables
clean data sets in Excel tables

So if you’d kindly fill in the attached receipt
and I’ll be back to upload you early next week

Yours facelessly,




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