star wars: the retirement

Yoda parks his Skoda
badly
sadly affected
by scoliosis
COPD with a poor prognosis
wheezes into his local
where he ends up getting vocal
with some stormtroopers on the pool table
waggling their cues a lot
so they miss their shot
till the owner gets called
and he’s hauled
back out on the street
(which happens most weeks)
he gets back in his Skoda
licence plate YODA
and a sign on the back of the car:
If Read This You Can Too Close You Are
and heads back to his cave
half watches Dave
whilst he knocks out a series of gnomic tweets
to Kylo Ren and the Imperial Fleet

Admiral Ackbar
runs a shitty little snackbar
somewhere out on Kessel
serving doughnuts and slime
to the guys from the mine
and random passing vessels
days when it’s slack
he loiters out back
playing cards with Fett and Finn
rolling his eyes
when the generator dies
and a Jedi wanders in

Princess Leia
works as a quantity surveyor
(she wanted something more regular)

Jabba the Hut
is a fitness nut
owns a number of successful franchises
aimed at customers of equivalent sizes

C-3PO and R2D2
disappeared after #metoo

Obi-Wan Kenobi
shaved head and goatee
works in security
standing all night on the door
‘this is not the club you’re looking for’

Darth Maul
doesn’t do much at all
just sits all day in his study
cantankerous and moody
watching reruns of Judge Judy

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