You wanna know / what’d make a great animated TV show? / a bunch of lovable characters that grow / and sprout / and rootlessly run about / in a spooky, kooky kinda Victorian hothouse / on the balmy banks of the Thames / I mean – okay – it’s basically MPs and their shady business friends / but this time as HERBS! / with nothing much to disturb / their cute little cummings & goings / apart from the odd village showings / where the local duchess / who is actually a horseradish / turns up to award a certificate and cup / to the herb with the seeds to back them up

So anyway – here’s a back-of-the-envelope cast of characters / excluding all the walk-on CEOs and barristers / (there’s plenty of room for vegetables and fruit / but I’m sticking with herbs for the pilot shoot) / and one other thing / to make this even more deliciously tempting / I think there’s plenty of scope for merchandising / I mean – I’ve already had preliminary talks with Schleich / who want clarity on the parody but the herbs they like

Boris Basil – thinks work’s a hassle, babbles and baffles
Pritti Parsley – looks quite sweet but her character’s ghastly
Matt Dill – hung out to dry on the windowsill
Dominic Shrub – hides behind the water tub
Grant Shapweed – sappy, ratty, gone to seed
Jacob Rees-Mint – droopy & snooty, always putting his roots in it
Gavin Tarragon – a toothless, hapless, utterly hopeless kinda dragon
Liz Cress – okay with cheese, otherwise clueless
Robert Chervil – cheerful but awful
Mr Michael Gove – a wise and loyal ol’ gardener, by jove (as he heats his knives in the potting shed stove)
Brandon Onion – a good, all-round companion (some might say / in a very specific and limited way)
Thérèse Daisy – old school Tory, totally crazy
Sagey Sunak – the smartest leaf in the pack, struggling to keep the garden on track

Working title: In the Herb Garden
(open your wallet – I’ll drop my card in)