horror movie


Jack, Josh and Maurice
are three old friends who get lost in the forest
Jack is a combat fanatic
Josh is a touch asthmatic
Maurice is wistful & charismatic

it starts to rain
which is a royal pain
especially over such tangled terrain
although Maurice seems to like it
whistling mournfully while they hike it

next thing you know, they find a cabin
overgrown with brambles & bracken
Josh has started to slacken
so they make the best of it and back in


in a cut that’s carefully scripted
crawling out of a cave no-one knew existed
a monster so terrible it’s positively gifted
sniffs the air with its hooked beak lifted

back at the cabin the boys are panicking
can’t believe this shit is happening
I mean – they like forests and/or travelling
but everything seems to be tragically unravelling

Josh is particularly uneasy
the fire they lit is making him wheezy
so he steps outside for a bit of fresh air
which is why he’s the first to disappear

What the fuck was that? snarls Jack
pulling a knife from his army pack
I’m not entirely sure says Maurice
It looked a little like the old god Horus

Jack stripes his face with a piece of charcoal
does an impressive forward roll
straight out the door but the monster gets him
which Maurice sees and it thoroughly upsets him

‘No beast so fierce but knows some touch of pity’
sighs Maurice, who used to be on the Shakespeare committee
of his alma mater fraternity
and so consequently
has a quote for any eventuality

the monster stops mid-crunch
of his extemporary femur-themed lunch
wipes his beak on his feathers
then runs helter-skelter back through the heather
(quite why this is, the script isn’t clear
so I’m guessing the monster just REALLY hates Shakespeare)

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