I. And the lord did sayeth / Alright, alright, okayeth / You can go forth and playeth / Gavin / But ask one more time & it ain’t going to happin’

II. So Gavin did / as the Good Lord bid / and off he sped / freefalling to Earth with a helmet on his head / goggles on tight / cheeks wobbling crazily left and right

III. And though his descent / was a little faster and nastier than he meant / still he landed feet first in the government / as Secretary of State for Education / which causeth a mighty consternation / amongst the teaching population.

IV. Yet another divine aberration! / Gavin quipped / I fancied Minister of Spiders & Whips!

V. And lo! The sky did darken & rumble / which was the Good Lord having a good old grumble / and for certain would have pitched a lightning fork / hearing such sacrilegious talk / but instead texteth St Peter on security / GAVIN NOW BARRED IN PERPETUITY

VI. Meanwhile, back on Earth / Gavin set to work / with a guilty smirk / like a hapless, cross-eyed clerk / or a landed shark / dressed up in a suit / from a high street tailor of disrepute / for a ludicrous Twitter photoshoot

VII. And Gavin didst shrug when told of The Pandemic / by Teachers, Parents & Academics / Yeah – verily amst I sympathetic / To thy arguments most energetic / he sayeth / whilst his restless, spidery fingers did playeth / with the handle of the whip / he had hung at his hip / obsessed with its brutal craftsmanship / People! Read the Papyrus! / It’s just a virus! / he smiled through pointy teeth / Kids don’t get it so what’s the beef? / Why dost thou give me perpetual grief?

VIII. And great was the tumult thereof / and great the swearing & tearing of hair of / because Gavin wouldst repeatedly NOT take care of / his rightful share of / the parlous situation / afflicting the general population

IX. And the Teachers & Parents did fall to their knees / and waileth to heaven Oh God Wilt Thou PLEASE / Take Gavin back into thine loving embrace / or kick him safely away into space / on some other madcap mission / maybe riding an asteroid to collision / sometime back in the Ordovician / (your decision)

X. And verily was God sore vexed / and cried What Next? / and did conjure a mighty plague of texts / to all the Gods in the Celestial Vicinity / asking if anyone knew of a vacancy / because He was desperate, basically

XI. And so it was that Gavin’s earthly tenure ended / and he abruptly ascended / through the ministry roof on a beam of light unbended / just as the grateful crowd intended / and Gavin his goggles did adjust / as through the troposphere he bust / headlong up to the Pearly Gates / where St Peter was waiting with all his mates

XII. But as Gavin lowered his legs to land / St Peter made a gesture with his Heavenly Right hand / that even Gavin could understand

XIII. So now he roams through the deeps of space / dreaming of the perfect place / where men can be angels and MPs providers / (and no-one laughs at his whips and spiders)