I’m a mint-in-the-box failure / a rusty chain choking a derailleur / a futures trader with no future / a surgeon with no suture / a hacker with no computer / a soup maker who totally forgot why they came in the kitchen / I’m the claims department of Braggin & Bitchin / a rabbit side-eyeing a magician / a well with a sign that says strictly no wishin’ / I’m a city-sized monster / giving the army the middle finger / even though I’ve only got flippers / I’m smoke with no kippers / a crab with no nippers / a dad with no slippers / tweezers with no splinters / a sprinter who ambled / Sleeping Beauty comprehensively brambled / a gambler who gambled / and lost / and tossed / his cards / and got thrown in the yard / by a sensitive but serious-minded security guard / who long ago learned a stern disregard / for any bullshit badinage

I’m fine / no really

I’m a corporate come and go man / a yo bro whaddya know man / I’m the snowman / slowly disappearing on a witness protection programme / for busting Santa’s slush fund in Greenland / I’m a fisherman in a phishing scam / a sorry my dear I don’t give a damn / a sad Uncle Sam / pouting & posing on the cam / with a nuclear pacifier and a pram / star-spangled sandals / entangled / in blankets, bitcoins, bald-headed eagle themed bangles / everything shot at provocative angles / while Biden smiles and rocks the handles

I’m the latest and greatest of a long line of lemons / a loving look from Jesse Plemons / I’m salmon sans croute / mammon sans loot / Maytals sans Toots / I’m all like go bid the soldiers shoot / I want your crown, your kingdom and your boots / whose idea was it to see this play anyway? / it lasts about ALL DAY / Shakespeare was some windy ass psycho / about a million characters come and go / say a lot but I don’t know / some hippy chick chucks herself in the river / a guy wants revenge but can’t deliver / it’s not exactly Taken, is it? / and don’t get me started on the price of a ticket