I’m Davy Crocket / out of powder and out of pocket / trading my beaver for an Easter bonnet / D for Davy or maybe Dunce on it / but hey – at least I’m honest / I don’t give a moose shit whose musket’s longest / you can find your own way out of the forest

I’m poor Mrs Rochester raving in the attic / a flare for fire and the melodramatic / energetic & enigmatic / two parts FOMO, one part Panic / a risk to everyone but especially asthmatics

I’m Ulysses, stripteased, tied to the mast / having furiously asked / my greased and snake-hipped crew to bind me fast / which they reluctantly agreed to do at last / then retreated to watch and gossip from the aft / and wiki my wicked BDSM past

I’m Jiminy Cricket wishing on a star / sprawled on the bonnet of a Karmann Ghia / wondering where all the real boys are

I’m Maximus Decimus Meridius / loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius / father to a murdered son, Minimus / husband to a murdered wife, Mousimus / and I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next – did that sound imperious? / good – I want them to know I’m serious

I’m sweaty Jack / goose and harp safely in the sack / singing while I’m swinging at the beanstalk with my axe / giving the ogre a heart attack / cos he’s halfway down and can’t go back