I’m a clown in a library / a circus in a cemetery / a mosh pit in a monastery / I’m Mr Tumbles played by Sean Connery

I’m a flighty ITU nurse / under rehearsed / wrestling with the drips / fixing the respirator with paper clips

I’m a dreary, teary TV drama / about a melancholic melon farmer / who drags in two of his finest favourites / puts ‘em in T-shirts but leaves ‘em faceless

I’m tokin’ n’jokin’ with J R R Tolkein / in an orc den in Hoboken / till the joint gets broken / by eleven Elven cops in slow motion

I’m a glitchy witch with a troublesome itch / dragging her broom under the bridge / vengeful and vexed / cursing her exes / cliche-cackling about what comes next / firing off a bunch of hexes by DMs and textses

I’m Meanderful man, Homosloppiens / body of a pup seal, head of a Pomeranian

I’m the Marks & Spencers mannequin / stuffed in the coffin when the undertakers were panicking

I’m a rooster on the roster, a chimp on the glam / I’m ‘Tell us a story Tory Jackanory’ on a pay-per-view cam

I’m backroom backups, tea with the Queen / I’m outside rinsing with gasoline

I’m corporate distension, business requirement / I’m fifteen years in solitary alignment

I’m great with a gusset but floundering in straps / I’m the bastard war child of Jonhson and Shapps

I’m a spider on a spinning top, a whale in the shower / a giraffe in a scarf who pays by the hour

I’m Rumpelstiltskin / phoning it in / jumping up, singing / Don’t Stop Believin’ / at the Kurly Kicker Karaoke club while the King & Queen are grievin’

I’m a flag on a fender, a shadowless moon
and I’m hoping those UFOs park up soon