in space, no one can hear you sneeze

I’m sick, sick, sick, SICK
my lungs are raw and my head is thick
my eyes splashing unstoppably
like two salty waterfall wannabes
tumbling over the pale cliffs of my cheeks
onto Kleenex boulders scattered in heaps

and when I sneeze?
I could power a wind turbine with these
a few useful megawatts
to offset the megasnots

let me tell you EXACTLY how badly it’s going
my nose is dangerously, radioactively glowing
from all the blowing
standing out from my face
so big and badly you can see it from space
I only know this information
because the International Space Station
happened to send me a text
when they passed directly overhead:
‘We’re picking up a structure
on our satellite camera
I’m pretty certain it’s a nose
but the Captain thinks it’s one of those
undiscovered active volcanoes’
(I texted back:
Yeah – thanks for that.
you’re right – it’s a schnozz
but I wouldn’t hang around because
any second now I’m gonna blow it
and you’ll be halfway to Mars before you know it)

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