Our Father

[ definitely NOT Mother
or any other
hippy moniker
this is a strictly Christian melodrama
with a god who looks like a grouchy farmer ]

Who art in Heaven

[ somewhere north of Carlisle
on the A7 ]

Hallowed be thy name

[ ‘hallowed’ : a portmanteau word
meaning you’re allowed
to say hello
but personal appearances are pretty much a no-go ]

Thy kingdom come

[ a difficult one:
technically the kingdom had ALREADY come;
all HE had to do was put the lights on ]

Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven

[ a LOT of theological ground to cover
when you consider
that another
person with will
is the devil
BUT GOD MADE THE DEVIL TOO
so … erm… okaaaay… over to you… ]

Give us this day our daily bread

[ for those of you in the congregation
worried about transubstantiation
and pray for
a gluten free wafer
because you’re celiac
I’m sorry but there’s no way back
the books say Jesus was ten percent wheat
so that’s what the Vatican says you’re to eat ]

And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us

[ ‘trespass’ doesn’t mean the kind of sign
you see on security gates all the time
‘Trespassers will be prosecuted’
‘Fences Are Electrocuted’
‘Armed Response’
NOT the welcome anyone wants
when you’re going from door to door
collecting alms (not arms) for the poor;
so for ‘trespass’
read ‘press pass’
as in ‘access all areas’
a bit more relaxed and a lot less nefarious ]

And lead us not into temptation

[ if He’s supposed to lead us into GOOD
why build such a tempting neighbourhood? ]

but deliver us from evil

[ ‘evil’ not in the sense
of Milla Jovovich in Residents
one through five
where CGI creatures from the Umbrella Hive
use zombifying rain to drive
a plot progressively shakier
than the box office takings
NO – I mean evil
as in The DEVIL
who
as a little clue
has Evil
RIGHT THERE, in his name
and the D stands for Duncan, or maybe Duane ]

For thine is the kingdom

[ a clubby, bougie-beardy kinda place
where saints drift around with weary faces
in a heavenly kind of homeostasis
emphasis
on homie
and if they see the devil they’re like blow me ]

the power and the glory

[ same ol’ story ]

for ever and ever

[ which as these things go is somewhat better
than simply forever
but it’s subject to metaphysical pressure
and there’s no such thing as never ever ever ]

Amen

[ originally ‘All the Men’
then ‘A Man’
VERY briefly Ian
but eventually settling on ‘Amen’
and zero prospect of changing back again ]