If you park the car
near a newly-made crater
that a meteor
made on the common,
and the crowds start coming
in great number to see
who on earth the visitor could be
and the army set up a perimeter
and you see a shiny cylinder
unscrewing slow and sinister
– well, then, it absolutely has to be SALT & VINEGAR

If you set sail
on a mission to find the whale
that took the captain’s leg
so he has to wear something else instead
a whale’s jawbone, which is niche
but Queequeg says say nothing capiche
so you just write your journal
about how the voyage is educational but infernal
and you have to wear all your thermals
and the captain’s paranoid and paranormal
and finds the whale
but the whale prevails
and the captain kicks the proverbial pail
and you’re the only survivor of the whole whale detail
and you cling to a coffin and drift off course
– it’s either CHEESE & ONION or WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE

if you’re orphaned by typhus
and your aunt doesn’t like us
and sends you to Lowood
which is basically no good
and you meet Helen Burns
who has a few philosophical turns
and then dies
and time slowly flies
and you go round to call
for a teaching job at Thornfield Hall
where Mr Rochester sits
rude but fit
moody as shit
because his wife lives in the attic
and the restrictions are patchy
and the wife pretty scratchy
ghostly and matchy
and the place goes up in flames
and blind Mr Rochester says ‘Jane’
in your dreams
because he needs you back it seems
his marriage to the unfortunate Jamaican
annulled by death if you’re not mistaken
– and the chip for this shall be BBQ BACON